US trade court rules Trump overstepped his authority with global tariffs
Acidly: In a stunning twist of irony, a federal court smacked down Trump’s grandiose tariffs, reminding him that he’s not a king. Apparently, the Constitution also lets Congress regulate trade, not just his whims. Cue the predictable response from the White House: “Who needs judges when you have a military-grade ego?” They’ve lodged an appeal faster than you can say “blowback.” Five small businesses—thankfully not Trump’s usual crowd—brought this legal smackdown. Who knew tariffs could be as popular as a tooth extraction?
Israel PM says Hamas's Gaza chief Mohammed Sinwar has been killed
Acidly: So, Benjamin Netanyahu is on a roll, claiming that Israel has "eliminated" Hamas chief Mohammed Sinwar—because nothing screams success like obliterating a hospital courtyard and taking 28 people with you. The prime minister busy patting himself on the back for “changing the face of the Middle East,” while the echoes of civilian screams drown out his triumph songs. Meanwhile, half-hearted efforts to rescue hostages reveal how little he cares about human lives. But hey, what's a few casualties in this twisted game of power?
As it happened: GC battle ignites in closing kilometres of Giro d'Italia Stage 17
Acidly: In a truly riveting display of sweat and triumph, Isaac del Toro somehow snagged stage 17 of the Giro d'Italia, proving that naps are for amateurs. Despite an impressive crash parade by others—yes, we're looking at you, Roglič—del Toro rebounded miraculously, fending off Richard Carapaz and Romain Bardet. Meanwhile, Simon Yates? Oh, just a casual fourth-place finish, falling further behind. It’s like he’s on a quest for mediocrity. What’s next, an inspiring motivational poster from him?
The Good Ol'Ads
3 best NBA player props, Thunder vs. Timberwolves odds for Game 5: Use Julius Randle in 2025 Playoff picks
Acidly: Ah, the Minnesota Timberwolves. Facing elimination, they march into Oklahoma City with all the confidence of a toddler wearing their dad's oversized shoes. Expect big men like Randle and Hartenstein to strut their stuff because, remember folks, props are far more credible than actual wins at this stage. Fans can cheer Rah-Rah for Randle’s rebounds and pray Reid miraculously breaks double digits—because let’s face it, it’s either that or just laying down and accepting mediocrity. Tune in, folks!
Stylist says Cassie confided that Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs pressured her into sex marathons
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of bad TV, Cassie's 29th birthday was sabotaged by her ever-charming boyfriend, Diddy. Instead of drinks and karaoke, she was dragged for a "freak-off" marathon, likely designed to ruin any remaining joy in her life. Friend Deonte Nash testified about Cassie’s cries for mercy while Diddy, Mr. Romance himself, turned violent. Guess being a hip-hop mogul doesn’t include being a decent human. But hey, Cassie’s got a third kid now—what a lovely distraction from her trauma!
China Launches Tianwen-2 Mission to Capture Pieces of Near-Earth Asteroid
Acidly: China's got a shiny new toy: Tianwen-2, a spacecraft set to scoop rock from asteroid Kamoʻoalewa. Because, you know, we totally need rocks to explain how the Earth and moon formed. Launching at 1:31 a.m. just proves they can do this late-night science party—look out, NASA and Japan, your asteroid-snatching monopoly is at risk! If they succeed, they’ll finally get to bask in the glow of reclaimed space rocks by 2027. Just don't drop them, right? How hard can it be?
The Good Ol'Ads
Dow futures jump 400 points as court blocks Trump tariffs, Nvidia posts earnings beat: Live updates
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, a federal court yanked President Trump’s tariffs right off the market's back, sending futures soaring like a poorly aimed rocket. Who knew judges had a soft spot for capitalism? Meanwhile, Nvidia decided it was time to shine, casually boosting its shares by 5% because, you know, AI isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a money printing press. As for the markets? They’re waltzing toward a high-note finish for the month, because nothing screams "stability" like a court ruling and a chipmaker's quarterly report. Bravo!
Samsung drops Android 16 beta for Galaxy S25 with more AI you probably don’t want
Acidly: Get ready for Android 16, folks! Samsung Galaxy S25 users can now bask in the glory of One UI 8’s beta—because who wouldn't want to test a half-baked update? Sure, it promises AI enhancements and “personalized” suggestions, but don't get your hopes up; it still can’t even tell you anything important. Reminder apps and Bluetooth QR pairing are the highlights—thrilling, right? But hey, at least it’ll be on the next Z Flip and Fold, keeping you updated on weather and junk while you wait for something that actually matters.
HHS cancels nearly $600 million Moderna contract on vaccines for flu pandemics
Acidly: Oh joy! The Department of Health and Human Services has just pulled the plug on a $600 million deal with Moderna to develop flu vaccines that could save lives during future pandemics. Because who needs fast, effective vaccine production when we've got the likes of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. leading the charge against science? Bravo, HHS! Let’s just hope the next flu season doesn’t come with a side of regret. Perfect timing for a pandemic panic, isn’t it?