Updates: Colorado Attack That Injured 12 Was Planned for a Year, Officials Say
Acidly: Meet Mohamed Sabry Soliman: a tourist visa overstayer turned arsonist. Arrived in the U.S. in 2022, dragged his feet on asylum, and snagged a job permit while waiting (how charming!). Now, he's facing federal hate crimes because he wished for a bit of Zionist extermination. Still, he’s in a “gray area” of immigration law—essentially a VIP invite to stay until a decision is made. Who knew that being lost in bureaucratic purgatory could lead to arson? A real American dream, eh?
Ukraine’s Drone Attack Deep Inside Russia: What to Know
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping display of drone warfare, Ukraine somehow smuggled 117 tiny flying machines into Russia, launching them from five regions in a surprise attack that set Russian aircraft ablaze. Presumably, Ukraine’s spies were watching too many heist movies. The Kremlin, caught slack-jawed, insists they repelled the disaster, while Ukrainian sources crow about a third of Russia's cruise missile power being damaged. Irony shines as the 'aggressor' falls victim to a drone swarm while contemplating peace talks.
Italy's Mount Etna is erupting again. Stunning photos show the volcano sending ash into the sky and turning into a 'lava fountain.'
Acidly: Ah, the charm of Mount Etna, Sicily's hothead. Just when you thought a guided tour of bubbling magma was relaxing, the volcano decided to blow its top—again. Tourists fled like it's a modern-day Pompeii as ash clouds darkened the skies. The National Institute of Geophysics and Volcanology, in a bout of understatement, informed us that the situation escalated from a mild hiss to a spectacular lava fountain. Who needs Disneyland when you can have nature's fiery version of a rollercoaster? What's next—an explosive lava-themed gift shop?
The Good Ol'Ads
Royals promote top prospect Jac Caglianone to MLB, will debut less than a year after being drafted No. 6
Acidly: Hold onto your hats, Kansas City! The Royals have decided to toss their hopes into the ring with Jac Caglianone, their shiny new prospect. Promoted straight from the minors, he’ll grace the field possibly Tuesday. With a batting line that screams "I might save this sinking ship," the 22-year-old touts 15 home runs while the Royals' outfielders are more useless than a wet paper towel. Let’s see if this swing-happy kid can actually turn mediocrity into something resembling competence. Good luck, kid. You’ll need it.
Jonathan Joss, ’King of the Hill’ Voice Actor, Dies at 59 After Shooting
Acidly: In a twist of tragic irony, Jonathan Joss, the voice behind John Redcorn in "King of the Hill," was tragically cut down by gunfire at 59, while checking mail at his burnt-down childhood home. The irony? He’d survived a house fire that claimed his dogs but not the rage of a homophobic gunman. His husband details the horror, that love brought a bullet instead of comfort. So much for happily ever after—turns out, all it takes is one man’s hate to ruin a life filled with love. Thanks, universe.
Popular theory about our galaxy’s fate might be wrong, astronomers say
Acidly: In another exciting saga of cosmic ineptitude, scientists reveal our beloved Milky Way might dodge a cataclysmic collision with Andromeda in the next 4-5 billion years. Surprise! It’s now just a 2% chance, thanks to some pesky smaller galaxies pulling the strings. Meanwhile, the Local Group joins the cosmic chess match. But not to worry — Earth’s real threat is our sun swelling into a fiery deathball in 5 billion years. So, cheer up! It’s either a slow galactic demise or a fiery incineration, pick your poison!
The Good Ol'Ads
Disney Laying Off Hundreds In TV & Film Entertainment, Corporate Finance
Acidly: Ah, Disney: where dreams come true—unless you work there. A fresh batch of layoffs hit, with several hundred employees joining the ever-expanding Disney unemployment line. Marketing, casting, and finance are all feeling the heat, no surprise for a company that can't decide whether it's a movie studio or a glorified streaming service. Four rounds in ten months? Talk about a magic trick. Bob Iger’s cost-cutting magnum opus continues, while they hype new jobs at theme parks. How charming.
Apple Shares New 'Sleek Peek' Teaser Ahead of WWDC 2025 Next Week
Acidly: Oh, joy! WWDC 2025 is upon us, promising yet another parade of shiny glassware—oops, I mean software. Apple’s “Sleek peek” tagline is a dazzling cover for the inevitable update of iOS, iPadOS, macOS, tvOS, and watchOS, all sporting the same glass look. Groundbreaking, right? Tune in to watch Greg Joswiak animate his way through a mountain of jargon and vague promises. Spoiler alert: it’ll be “available for on-demand replay” afterward, because one viewing isn’t enough to numb the pain of reality.
Colon cancer recurrence and deaths cut 28% by simple exercise, trial finds
Acidly: Well, hold onto your running shoes: exercise might just kick cancer's butt harder than chemo! A Canadian study revealed that post-surgery, those who briskly walked, jogged, or otherwise moved more slashed their colon cancer recurrence by 28%—not that you needed another reason to hit the gym. With an 80.3% survival rate for the sweat-sesh enthusiasts versus 73.9% for the couch potatoes, who knew your treadmill could be a life-saver? So, ditch the couch; it’s time to outrun your cancer!