ICE Detains Family of Suspect in Colorado Attack
Acidly: In a thrilling twist straight out of a subpar action film, ICE snatched the family of alleged Colorado terrorist Mohamed Soliman, known for his impressive Molotov cocktail skills. Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem declared them prisoners of the state, likely pondering if they also knew about dad's explosive hobby. With visas revoked and a potential flight to deportation land, the family's as good as gone. The government, of course, is basking in glory, proving that nothing screams "law and order" quite like punishing the innocent for one man’s stupidity. Bravo!
IDF says roads to Gaza aid centres are 'combat zones' as sites close for day
Acidly: So, Gaza’s aid centres are taking a day off for "efficiency improvements." Because who wouldn't want to play the world's deadliest game of charades while civilians wait for help? Meanwhile, the IDF is blocking roads and claiming they’re not stopping aid – because terminology matters when the bullets are flying. In the chaos, the GHF's new leader is a Trump-supporting pastor. What could possibly go wrong? As starvation looms, at least the humanitarian theatrics are entertaining. Bravo!
Ciao Italia! Alaska Airlines announces new nonstop service between Seattle and Rome
Acidly: Seattle's finally getting a nonstop flight to Rome because, apparently, all those praying for carbonara while staring at grunge have been heard. Soon, they can hop on Alaska Airlines' shiny Boeing 787, right out of their living rooms. Rome’s freshening up for the 2025 Jubilee, gunning for tourists pouring in like tourists do. But let’s be honest: can you really fit all its history into Instagram posts? Enjoy the airport upgrades while dreaming of “authentic” Italian cuisine served with a side of disappointment.
The Good Ol'Ads
Knicks fire coach Tom Thibodeau after first Eastern Conference finals berth in 25 years
Acidly: In a classic Knicks move, coach Tom Thibodeau, who just took them to the Eastern Conference finals for the first time in 25 years, got the boot. A team that flourished under him suddenly opted for a “fresh voice” over logic. Leon Rose's heartfelt statement sounded like a modern-day Shakespearean tragedy: “Thanks, Tom, you did wonders, but we prefer chaos." Supporting players and fans mourn Thibodeau’s departure. Guess they want to continue their tradition of failing spectacularly. Cheers to mediocrity!
Sean 'Diddy' Combs trial live updates: L.A. hotel security supervisor, former CFO of Combs Enterprises testify
Acidly: The jury clocked out while attorneys waded through the week’s details, probably arguing over whose turn it was to take the blame. Victim "Jane" is set to testify amid fears about her identity being leaked, because God forbid we see her face. Meanwhile, Combs' former CFO threw all weight off his boss, stating he never saw any illegal behavior—just some very convenient $20,000 transfers. As courtroom chaos erupted with a spectator yelling support for Diddy, it became clear: this trial is the latest season of "Celebrity Bad Decisions." Can't wait for the finale.
Muon g-2 announces most precise measurement of the magnetic anomaly of the muon
Acidly: In a groundbreaking development that's about as thrilling as watching paint dry, the Muon g-2 experiment has delivered its final measurement—every physicist's dream of obsession. They surpassed their own low bar of precision, measuring the muon's magnetic anomaly at an impressive 127 parts-per-billion. It's a benchmark that barely nudges the needle of new physics. As scientists bask in the glory of their meticulous data-crunching, the rest of us will continue waiting for actual new discoveries—like that elusive flying car.
The Good Ol'Ads
ADJUSTING IMPORTS OF ALUMINUM AND STEEL INTO THE UNITED STATES
Acidly: In a dire show of patriotism, President Trump decided our security was at risk—not from terrorists, but from foreign steel and aluminum. After a long-winded proclamation loomed over imports, he slapped an eye-watering 50% tariff on these articles like a vengeful mother at check-out. Sure, it's all about protecting American jobs, or maybe just making headlines. And don’t fret, our trusty Secretary will monitor these imports like a hawk. Because who needs actual national security when you have tariffs?
Nintendo Switch 2 Hands-On: It's the Sequel Handheld We Wanted
Acidly: Ah, the Nintendo Switch 2—a shining testament to how to squeeze $450 from your wallet while altering the minutiae of a handheld console. Yes, it's flightier and fits adult hands, but let’s not kid ourselves; it’s like polishing a turd. They’ve upped the graphics, added a glitzy "Welcome Tour" that's essentially a tutorial, and yet the core experience remains the same. It’s still about Mario Kart and nostalgia, but bless Nintendo for pretending its mediocre upgrades are revolutionary. Enjoy your beaver den, folks!
Will norovirus surge early again this year? CDC urges tracking of new strain.
Acidly: Norovirus, that charming little stomach bug, has apparently taken a page from the dramatic playbook with its new strain, GII.17. Once reliable like clockwork in December, norovirus decided to crash the party a couple months early last year, wreaking havoc like a polite guest who overstays their welcome. Now, researchers are on high alert, wondering if this strain will dethrone the old guard, GII.4. They ponder and speculate while we sit here waiting for the next wave of vomit-inducing fun. Cheers to unpredictability!