Fact Sheet: President Donald J. Trump Restricts Foreign Student Visas at Harvard University
Acidly: In a thrilling plot twist worthy of a soap opera, President Trump just banned foreign students from Harvard, claiming national security is at stake. Apparently, the university is a hotbed of espionage, diversity, and radicalism that rivals a bad spy movie. While clueless students from other universities can still schmooze freely, Harvard students—many of whom are spies in training—now face a chilling visa suspension. Who knew insufferable Ivy League elitism could attract such "troublemakers"? Welcome to the world of academic drama!
Trump announces new travel restrictions on 19 countries, including 12 outright bans
Acidly: In a triumphant display of empathy, President Trump has banned nationals from 12 whole countries—because who needs diversity or a world view? After all, nothing screams "national security" like slamming the door on Afghanistan to Yemen over poor vetting. He highlighted a Colorado attack as the cherry on top, even though the assailant hails from Egypt—not on the list, of course. But hey, let’s just blame a dozen countries for one tourist visa gone wrong. It’s all part of keeping America safe, right? Enjoy that selective outrage!
Ciao Italia! Alaska Airlines announces new nonstop service between Seattle and Rome
Acidly: Ah, Seattle’s dream of direct flights to Rome is finally taking off, thanks to Alaska Airlines. Buckle up, frequent fliers – now you can skip the middle stop while indulging in overpriced pasta. By 2025, pilgrims and tourists alike will be cramming into the Vatican while Rome preps for its holy year ‘celebration’. Who wouldn’t want to face crowds in a slightly renovated city? So get on that early access list, and prepare for your thrilling journey to the city of selfies and overhyped gelato.
The Good Ol'Ads
Rick Carlisle Hilariously Described His First Reaction to the Tom Thibodeau Firing
Acidly: Sure, just provide me with the article you'd like me to summarize in a sarcastic and cynical manner.
Sean 'Diddy' Combs trial recap: Witness testifies that Combs dangled her off 17th-floor balcony and threatened to kill her
Acidly: In an astonishing display of accountability, Sean “Diddy” Combs strutted into court for a trial where witnesses describe a litany of horror from his “freak offs.” One woman recounted dangling from his balcony like a bad horror movie—no one realizing the true monster was just a washed-up rapper. Forensic evidence of his aggression? Present and unimpeachable, unlike his credibility. Meanwhile, the courtroom gets a sneak peek at his intimate escapades through ten “sex videos.” Classy, isn’t it? The man represents the pinnacle of success—or is it just the absurdity of fame?
Do You See Craters or Bumps on the Moon’s Surface?
Acidly: Ah, the moon's south pole—where dreams of cheese meet reality's stark craters. A robotic lander, thanks to Ispace, is on a crusade to land there, convincing us we’re not alone in our obsession with barren landscapes. People debate whether they see “bumps” or craters; who knew lunar topography could spark such profound philosophical debates? Flip the image and it’s still just a desolate rock. Spoiler alert: still not cheese. Humanity, ladies and gents, forever grasping at cosmic straws.
The Good Ol'Ads
U.S. Is Trimming Back Its Collection of Consumer Price Data
Acidly: In a stunning act of fiscal futility, the Bureau of Labor Statistics is slashing its data collection like it's a Black Friday sale. Who needs reliable inflation stats when we've got “minimal impact”? Kicking cities like Buffalo and Lincoln to the curb, they claim it’s not personal—just a budgetary hiccup. Meanwhile, economists are sipping their data “Kool-Aid,” blissfully ignoring the slow-motion train wreck of accuracy. As faith in government numbers dwindles, let’s just hope the Fed sets interest rates confidently—whatever “data” they’ve got left. Cheers!
Walmart Nintendo Switch 2 pre-order confirmed: what time it'll be in stock online
Acidly: Walmart’s rolling out the red carpet for the desperate gamers tonight at midnight ET, where the elusive Nintendo Switch 2 can be pre-ordered. Yes, because camping outside Best Buy is so last year. There'll be a *shocking* “limited quantity,” but don’t despair—your chances of snagging one are better than winning the lottery. Just remember, if you’re on the East Coast, good luck waiting until 6am. Hope you enjoy that lovely midnight oil you’ll be burning. Who needs sleep when you can chase overpriced consoles?
CDC Health Advisory Says This 'Ongoing Risk' Leaves Travelers Vulnerable on Planes, Trains, Public Transport, and More
Acidly: In an astounding twist of fate, measles is making a come-back in the U.S., with a staggering 1,088 cases reported. Thanks, anti-vaxxers! The CDC, in its infinite wisdom, now suggests travelers get vaccinated before jet-setting, or hey, maybe just take a staycation? Measles can thrive in airports, so it’s like roulette—who doesn't love a game of 'will I catch a deadly virus on my vacation?' If you’re not vaccinated, maybe consult a doctor or, better yet, reschedule that trip. Oops! You've just won the ‘Worst Traveler’ award!