Trump warns Iran to agree to a deal ‘before there is nothing left’
Acidly: In the latest round of Middle Eastern melodrama, Israel decided to ruin Iran's party, striking nuclear sites like a bad reality show host. Trump chimed in, boasting about his "support" for Israel while peddling what can only be described as an apology for diplomacy. Meanwhile, Rubio claimed 'not our circus, not our monkeys,' distancing the US from any fallout. As talks sputter on like an old car, Trump warns Iran: "Make a deal, or else!"—an ever-so-subtle ultimatum. Ah, nothing like a little saber-rattling to spice up diplomacy!
Live updates: Iran hits Israel with a second wave of missiles
Acidly: In a riveting display of diplomacy—if you can call it that—McCoy Pitt solemnly proclaimed dire consequences for Iran amidst a volley of missiles that turned the night skies over Jerusalem into a fireworks show. Apparently, asking Iran nicely to put down their toys is still on the table. Meanwhile, casualties mount, sirens wail, and crude oil prices spike. It’s all fun and games until someone gets seriously hurt—or until prices at the pump soar. Remember, folks: de-escalation is just a suggestion in this circus.
Italy citizenship referendum: 'I was born here - but feel rejected'
Acidly: Sonny Olumati, a 39-year-old dancer born in Rome, has lived his entire life as an unwelcome guest. Despite his birth certificate, Italy treats him like a tourist, thanks to his lack of citizenship. As he and others campaign for a referendum to shorten the citizenship wait from 10 to 5 years, Prime Minister Meloni encourages Italians to hit the beach instead of the polls. With prospects looking grim, Sonny quips, "Even if they vote 'No', we'll still be here." Ah, the optimism of the overlooked.
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 U.S. Open leaderboard live coverage: Scoreboard updates, golf scores, tee times for Round 2 at Oakmont
Acidly: Welcome to the 2025 U.S. Open, where Oakmont Country Club plays the role of merciless executioner. Only three brave souls—Sam Burns, J.J. Spaun, and Viktor Hovland—survived this treacherous trek under par. Despite Burns flaunting a remarkable 65, the rest of the field drowned in a sea of bogeys, with stars like Koepka and Rahm over par, crying into their clubs. Meanwhile, defending champ DeChambeau packed his bags early at 7 over. Buckle up; the weekend promises more carnage than clarity.
Live updates: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ trial coverage
Acidly: In a courtroom soap opera worthy of daytime TV, Judge Arun Subramanian contemplates dismissing a juror for being the poster child of inconsistency. This juror, confused about his living arrangements, apparently thinks Bronx and New Jersey are interchangeable. The defense screams about diversity as if that makes a difference when your juror can’t keep his story straight. Meanwhile, Jonathan Perez spills the secrets of Sean “Diddy” Combs’ chaotic life, including drug runs, cash demands, and hosting “king nights.” Grab your popcorn; this trial just turned juicy!
500 Falcon missions! SpaceX sends 26 Starlink satellites to orbit on landmark launch
Acidly: SpaceX just celebrated its 500th Falcon 9 mission like a kid who finally found a quarter under the couch. This time, 26 Starlink satellites were hurled into the void—because who doesn’t want a dozen more ways to get mediocre internet? The first stage booster made its triumphant return, landing on a drone ship named “Of Course I Still Love You,” because clearly, this rocket needs affirmation. Meanwhile, with 7,600 satellites now in orbit, the skies are officially cluttered with Elon’s ambitions. Bravo.
The Good Ol'Ads
Global oil prices soar after Israel attacks Iran
Acidly: So, in a riveting episode of "As the Oil Turns," global oil prices shot up over 10% because Israel decided to play whack-a-mole with Iran. Think of it as a rollercoaster ride where you just might vomit at any moment—certainly, at the gas pump. Brent crude ended the day clinging to a 7% increase at $74.23 a barrel. Meanwhile, stock markets everywhere are in the red, as investors scramble for 'safe havens.' Because nothing screams 'stability' like hiding behind gold while countries rain drones on each other. Good luck filling up your tank!
Meta AI searches made public - but do all its users realise?
Acidly: Oh, joy! Meta AI users are blissfully unaware their darkest internet secrets are splattered across a public feed for all to see. Who wouldn’t want their desperate searches for “how to cheat on tests” or “animated characters in their underwear” to go viral? Meta claims users have control, but let’s be real: “private by default” is the tech equivalent of "I’m not mad, just disappointed." Experts call it a security crisis, but who cares? We’re all just here for the cringe content, right?
Measles case reported in Boulder County resident who used public transportation
Acidly: Sure, I’ll need you to provide the article or the details you'd like me to work with, and I’ll whip up a delightful tale about it. Please don’t make me wait too long; I have ample sarcasm to dispense.