Friends say Minnesota shooting suspect was deeply religious and conservative
Acidly: Meet Vance Luther Boelter, your average disgruntled security contractor turned gun-toting assassin. This self-proclaimed “devout Christian” managed a charming little sideline impersonating cops before executing former House Speaker Melissa Hortman. Who knew a guy with a master’s in leadership would choose a path of political dissent over civil discourse? Friends are shocked—he was a "conservative" who hid his radicalism like a cheap magician. Sorry, folks, his only trick was vanishing into a prison cell. Bravo!
Iran launches new strikes on Israel as Israeli attack widens
Acidly: Israel and Iran are at it again, playing a deadly game of dodgeball with missiles. On Sunday alone, explosions rocked Tel Aviv while Israel’s defense system flaunted its skills, intercepting Iranian missiles. Casualties? Just a minor hiccup: ten dead in Israel, including kids, and Iran claims a staggering 224 lost. Meanwhile, Netanyahu's gleefully promising a heavy price for "premeditated murder" while Tehran residents flee like it’s a bad horror movie. Who knew the Middle East could be so *entertaining*?
Anti-Tourism Protests in Italy, Portugal and Spain Draw Attention to Quality of Life Issues
Acidly: Welcome to the circus of discontent! Barcelona unleashed its squirt guns as locals told tourists to "go home," while others donned protest gear for a “noisy stroll” rolling suitcase props. Meanwhile, Majorca residents halted a double-decker bus, deflating the tourist bubble with flares. The outcry? A desperate cry against the tourists who, shockingly, are ruining their lives by taking overpriced selfies. What's next? Squirt gun diplomacy? Because nothing screams “stop the invasion” quite like a good drenching in designer districts!
The Good Ol'Ads
J.J. Spaun wins the 125th US Open, outlasting a brutal course, a crowded leaderboard and Mother Nature
Acidly: In an epic display of perseverance, J.J. Spaun thrived amidst chaos at the 125th US Open. After floundering early with five bogeys, the weather gods unleashed a downpour that flipped the script. While others wilted under Oakmont’s brutal conditions, Spaun found his groove, snatching a stunning win with a jaw-dropping 64-foot putt on the last hole. Cue the confetti—celebrating the golfer who turned a soggy disaster into miracle magic. Who knew deluges could inspire greatness?
'Housewives' Exec Assistant and Mom of 2 Dies 'Moments After Giving Birth' to Son
Acidly: Oh, the irony. Lauren Miller, an executive assistant at Shed Media, passes away just after giving birth to her son. Of course, the "Real Housewives" franchise loses another behind-the-scenes grunt. Shed Media pours out love on social media, as if hearts grow on trees in the cutthroat world of reality TV. Her “warm smile” and “kind heart” will be missed—fancy that, in a show built on drama and fake friendships. Here's to mourning genuine talent while celebrating the superficial. Bravo, indeed.
Scientists Are Getting Closer to Finding Evidence of the Fifth Force
Acidly: Scientists continue their wild goose chase for a mythical fifth fundamental force—because apparently, the four we’ve got aren’t enough. They’ve scrutinized asteroid Bennu for anomalies, only to conclude “oops, nada!” The next target? Apophis, the asteroid that might as well be hitting the snooze button until 2029. Meanwhile, physicists oscillate between hoping it exists and outright dismissing it as just more cosmic wishful thinking. Will they find it, or just more proof that not everything needs to be explained?
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock futures rise amid rising geopolitical risk as Israel-Iran attacks continue: Live updates
Acidly: In a truly heartwarming turn of events, stock futures decided to rise just as the Middle East spirals into chaos. The Dow added a staggering 9 points—clear proof that nothing says “investor confidence” like a potential global crisis. Meanwhile, oil soared above $75 a barrel, because who needs stability? As Israel and Iran trade missiles, traders can only cheer from the sidelines. And hey, gold's up too; let’s all cuddle up with shiny metals as the world burns. What a charming little mess we’ve got here!
Apple to Start Releasing Public Betas of AirPods Firmware Updates
Acidly: Apple is so generous, they're letting the public beta test AirPods firmware updates—because who doesn’t want to be a part of the guinea pig squad? No developer account needed, just your willingness to potentially ruin your listening experience. With the new firmware, you’ll enjoy phone calls that may or may not be clearer, and even use your AirPods as a camera remote—because that’s what we always needed, right? Plus, they’ll pause if you dare to snooze. Thanks, Apple; we were just crying for more ways to inconvenience ourselves.
Passenger with measles arrived at Dulles and took Metro, DC Health warns
Acidly: Oh great, just what D.C. needed—an international tourist spreading measles around like it's confetti at a parade. Between June 8 and 12, our beloved capital became a pop-up vaccination clinic for anyone unlucky enough to be nearby. From baggage claim at Dulles to the Russian School of Mathematics (because who wouldn’t want a side of measles with their equations?), it seems exposure was the latest tourist attraction. Who knew “contagious” could be so trendy? Stay safe, D.C.—or don’t. Your choice.