Live updates: Minnesota suspect Vance Boelter captured after manhunt in lawmaker killing
Acidly: Ah, a real-life horror movie unfolds in Minnesota. Vance Boelter, a wannabe rogue cop, apparently thought impersonating law enforcement while donning a "hyper-realistic" mask was a swell idea. His Saturday night special? A killing spree targeting lawmakers. Lucky for state Sen. Ann Rest—who narrowly escaped when officers figured out Boelter was just a delusional wannabe assassin. Hoffman and Hortman were less fortunate, as Boelter decided their homes were the perfect targets. Gravy train: zero, humanity: negative one.
Trump Will Not Sign G7 Statement on Iran and Israel, Official Says
Acidly: In a breathtaking display of diplomatic finesse, President Trump has opted out of a G7 statement advocating for peace between Iran and Israel. Apparently, avoiding conflict is so overrated, right? The draft calls for both nations to chill, but why would Trump join his pals when he can play the tough guy instead? As missiles fly and casualties rise, the president thinks Putin’s a great mediator—because what could go wrong? Meanwhile, the world moves on, waiting for Trump’s next “brilliant” move. Spoiler alert: it won’t be peaceful.
Anti-Tourism Protests in Italy, Portugal and Spain Draw Attention to Quality of Life Issues
Acidly: Barcelona's streets became water parks as throngs protested tourism, brandishing squirt guns against the bourgeoisie ruining their city. In a comedic twist, they soaked tourists outside a Louis Vuitton store—ironic, given most protesters couldn’t afford its cheap knock-offs. Meanwhile, Genoans rollicked suitcases, believing they were making a point, and Majorcans halted buses like seasoned activists. Who knew tourism could unite the oppressed? Catchy slogans like “Sustainable tourism is a myth” added flair to their futile rebellion. Cue the fireworks!
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NBA Finals Game 5: Four things to watch in Pacers vs. Thunder
Acidly: Oklahoma City’s NBA Finals chaos hits a high note as the Pacers face a mental endurance test. Sure, they’re resilient—if you squint hard enough. Pascal Siakam’s moment of existential dread is its own mini-drama, as he forgets he exists for crucial fourth quarters. Meanwhile, the three-point shooting circus continues; the Pacers flop worse than winning lottery tickets. Perfect timing for Alex Caruso’s cameo, desperately trying to bail out the Thunder while Myles Turner delivers a lackluster performance—illness or not. Can anyone actually care? Tune in for Game 5!
Jurors see clips of 'freak-off' sex marathons central to Sean 'Diddy' Combs' sex trafficking charges
Acidly: In a courtroom drama fit for reality TV, Sean “Diddy” Combs' sex trafficking trial took a turn for the filthy as jurors endured explicit video clips from his “freak-off” sessions. Apparently, drug-fueled orgies in Trump hotels are just a day at the office for a hip-hop mogul. With text messages from ex-girlfriend Cassie submitting to 3 a.m. rendezvous and other sordid details, one wonders: how many beats can one man drop while dropping his pants? All of this while the judge dismisses a juror over "credibility" issues. Welcome to the circus.
James Webb telescope ups the odds that 'city-killer' asteroid 2024 YR4 will hit the moon in 2032
Acidly: The James Webb Space Telescope just delivered some thrilling news: the building-sized asteroid 2024 YR4 isn’t crashing into Earth anytime soon. Yay, us! But hold your applause; the Moon might want to cover its craters. With a 4.3% chance of a lunar smackdown in 2032 (up from a measly 3.8%), it’s clear our celestial neighbor is in for a rough ride. And NASA? They’re “excited” for the forthcoming predictions. Because who doesn't love a good cosmic game of Russian roulette?
The Good Ol'Ads
Wall Street recovers from Friday’s shock as US stocks rise and oil prices ease
Acidly: Wall Street enjoyed a rare moment of tranquility Monday, as stocks rose following last week's spicy back-and-forth between Israel and Iran. The S&P 500 clawed back some losses, and oil prices settled back, proving once again that geopolitical madness is just a minor blip on the financial radar. Iran's foreign minister is angling for a friendly call to the U.S., perhaps hoping a chat can end hostilities—always worth a shot, right? Meanwhile, the Fed is stuck in neutral, still pretending to care about the economy instead of making bold moves.
Instagram users complain of mass bans, pointing finger at AI
Acidly: Instagram users are up in arms as accounts vanish like socks in a dryer, thanks to what many suspect is an AI ban-happy spree. Meta's public silence is deafening, leaving hapless users shouting into the void, clutching their IDs like life preservers. Appeals? Yeah, good luck getting a response; it’s like entering a black hole. Some users have turned to legal threats, while the rest cling to their dwindling hope. Welcome to Instagram, where your livelihood can be wiped out faster than you can say "algorithm mishap."
US measles total approaches 1,200 mark
Acidly: Measles is making a triumphant comeback in the U.S. with 1,197 cases reported so far this year. Congrats, CDC! Just 77 shy of 2019's glory days, when measles was still almost a memory. At least 35 states are onboard the outbreak express. Dallas just got its first case since 2019—a fully vaccinated woman in her 20s. Talk about a plot twist! Meanwhile, Alabama's suspected case turned out to be a big yawn. Keep up the good work, folks. Really. We're all rooting for measles to take over!