Karen Read found not guilty of murdering police officer boyfriend
Acidly: In a real-life courtroom drama that could make a bad Netflix show blush, Karen Read was acquitted of letting her cop boyfriend die in a snowbank. Sure, she got nailed for DUI, but hey, why go to jail when you can enjoy a year of probation and media fame? The courtroom erupted in cheers like it was the Super Bowl as she celebrated her two-year relationship with Mr. O'Keefe, which prosecutors swore had its “volatile” moments. Witnesses are mumbling about “miscarriages of justice,” but who needs their opinions when there’s a Hulu series to cash in on?
Iran’s leader rejects calls to surrender and warns that intervention would harm the US
Acidly: In the latest installment of "Who Can Threaten Better," Iran’s Supreme Leader Khamenei dismissed Trump’s demands for surrender, reminding the world that Iran isn’t a doormat. While Israel bombards Iranian sites, claiming to target threats, the U.S. cranks up its military presence. Europe plays diplomat, likely hoping to bake a peace cake without getting burned. Meanwhile, Tehran, apparently on a war footing, experiences cyber chaos and an internet blackout. Welcome to the never-ending soap opera of Middle Eastern politics!
The new American dream? Buying and renting out vacation homes in Italy.
Acidly: Laurie DeRiu is leaving the 'hustle and bustle' of Connecticut for the laid-back charm of Italy, all while pretending it's a noble quest for a better life. But really, she’s selling a rental in North Carolina to play landlord in Sardinia. Who knew managing a vacation home could be a fulfilling retirement plan? Meanwhile, Melina Manasse dreams of globe-trotting from her Lecce pad, while Kelly Beigle revels in avoiding DC prices. Nothing says “living the dream” like becoming a foreign property manager. Bon voyage!
The Good Ol'Ads
Buss family to sell Lakers at $10 billion valuation to Dodgers owner Mark Walter: Sources - The Athletic
Acidly: In a masterpiece of financial gymnastics, Jeanie Buss is set to part ways with the Lakers for a staggering $10 billion, thanks to Mark Walter, who thinks "winning" is a fun hobby. Walter’s record deal dwarfs previous sales as mere child’s play. And despite Jeanie’s heroic past, the future suggests more spending like a kid in a candy store—if he’s not too busy signing checks for his other toys, the Dodgers. If only magic could ensure titles; guess we'll see if Walter's wallet can outshine the ghosts of Lakers past.
Anne Burrell, Food Network host and celebrity chef, dies at 55
Acidly: Anne Burrell, the vibrant Food Network star, passed away at 55 in her Brooklyn home—just hours after dazzling a comedy crowd. Clearly, someone should have told her to stick to cooking. Her family claims her smile was "like the sun," but let's be real; it’s hard to shine when you drop dead overnight. Tributes rolled in, lamenting the loss of a "radiant spirit" who taught amateur cooks the basics, and hilariously lost a hair-bleaching bet along the way. A radiant spirit, indeed. Gone, but not forgotten—because we’ll always have the bloopers.
‘Dragon Man’ DNA revelation puts a face to a mysterious group of ancient humans
Acidly: Ah, the wonders of science! After a skull languished at the bottom of a well for decades, researchers finally connected the dots, crowning it "Dragon Man." Who knew a rusty artifact could ignite such excitement? After 15 years, we're told this skull belongs to the elusive Denisovans—our hairy cousins. Great! Because nothing says clarity like ancient DNA that only offers partial answers. So, cheers to more decades of debate while we imagine these blocky-faced relatives living their best life...whatever that was.
The Good Ol'Ads
Fed decision recap: Central bank signals stagflation fears, Powell says Fed ‘well positioned to wait’ on rates
Acidly: Powell's ecstatic about the U.S. economy's Houdini act—defying all forecasts of doom for three years. Just a bit of tariff inflation to spice things up, though! He warns consumers to brace for a price hike, but hey, who doesn’t love a good surprise? Meanwhile, the Fed’s rates remain as unchanged as the cast of a bad sitcom. Trump thinks Powell's a genius—just kidding, he called him stupid. But sure, let’s keep waiting for those glorious rate cuts. Spoiler alert: Don't hold your breath!
Apple looking to make 'premium' priced folding iPhones starting next year, analyst says
Acidly: Ah, Apple, the company that sells overpriced bricks while pretending to innovate. Now they plan to grace us with a folding iPhone, because why not complicate your life even more? Analyst Kuo claims they might slap together a Samsung screen—can’t make it themselves, of course. Hardware's still up in the air, which is comforting. With rival folding phones struggling to find a market, Apple’s entering the arena to capitalize on a fad nobody asked for. Enjoy the premium price tag for something that might just break faster than you can fold it.
Screen addiction and suicidal behaviors are linked for teens, a study shows : Shots - Health News
Acidly: Surprise! Kids glued to screens are more likely to fantasize about ending it all. A new study reveals that teen social media and gaming addiction strongly correlates with suicidal thoughts—who would’ve guessed? Around 30% of kids became social media junkies by 14, with 41% hooked on video games. Mental health? Apparently, that’s just another hashtag in their feeds. If only they could scroll away their feelings—but hey, who needs real-life solutions when you've got a screen?