Trump’s new two-week negotiating window sets off scramble to restart stalled Iran talks
Acidly: Trump’s latest brainchild: a two-week gap for negotiations with Iran. As Israel bombards them, he hopes Iran's military woes will soften their stance on uranium enrichment—spoiler: it won’t. European leaders are off to Geneva, likely with more optimism than sense, as Trump casually lets Israel continue its rampage. Meanwhile, his minions fuss over potential military strikes, proving that diplomacy is a game best played with an airstrike on standby. What could possibly go wrong?
Israel’s Military Says Iran Struck Israel With Missile Armed With Cluster Munitions
Acidly: In a dazzling display of military incompetence, Iran reportedly fired a missile filled with those delightful cluster munitions at central Israel—because why not spread chaos, right? Lt. Col. Nadav Shoshani confirmed the missile showered the area like a twisted piñata, yet miraculously no one was killed. Just a few unexploded goodies lying around like tragic lawn decorations. Experts ponder whether Iran's pulling out all the stops or just failing spectacularly at precision strikes. Ah, modern warfare! It's like a poorly directed action movie.
The new American dream? Buying and renting out vacation homes in Italy.
Acidly: Laurie DeRiu’s fantasy of escaping the Connecticut grind for Sardinia took a shiny, rented turn. She sold a rental property, splurging €405K on an apartment in Alghero. Now, she’s living the “dream” while renting it out, and promptly raking in cash. Who knew leaving the U.S. rat race for Italian leisure could be this profitable? Meanwhile, her fellow Americans are also cashing in their overpriced homes for discounted properties abroad. Who needs sanity when you can invest in paradise?
The Good Ol'Ads
Thunder vs. Pacers score: NBA Finals Game 6 live updates as OKC, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander play for title
Acidly: Tyrese Haliburton spent two whole days consulting with Pacers staff about his potential return, because apparently, “just listening to my body” is so last year. After whittling through the exhaustive process of saying “yes” to playing despite not actually hearing there’s no risk of injury (real confidence there), he decided comfort with the decision was enough. Risk? Who needs it when you’ve got a personal cheer squad ensuring everything is hunky-dory. Good luck, Pacers!
Fat Joe Sued for $20 Million by Former Hypeman in Explosive Complaint: Alleges Rapper Engaged in Sex Acts With Minors and Coerced Him Into ‘More Than 4,000 Sexual Acts to Maintain His Standing’
Acidly: Oh, the drama! Fat Joe’s former hypeman, Terrance “T.A.” Dixon, is bringing the heat with a $20 million lawsuit. Apparently, Joe’s definition of "hypeman" included sexual manipulation and “coercive labor exploitation.” Who knew rhymes and crimes were so intertwined? The sordid details come complete with trigger warnings, featuring minors and wild parties! Fat Joe’s attorney calls it a desperate extortion ploy, but with allegations like these, we’re all just waiting for the next episode of “As the Hip-Hop World Turns.”
1930s 'Dragon Man' Finally Gives Elusive Ancient Human Species a Face
Acidly: Meet the 'Dragon Man,' a skull thought to be the enigmatic Homo longi, but whoops, he’s just another member of the Denisovan fan club. Discovered in a well instead of a museum—classic. Paleontologist Qiaomei Fu, using fancy DNA wizardry, revealed he's more of a common ancestor than a unique snowflake. Thirty years under a bridge is apparently good for your dental plaque, which is now the star of this scientific circus. Goodbye, Dragon Man—welcome to the mediocre lineage of Denisovans!
The Good Ol'Ads
Deadly listeria outbreak leads to recall of ready-to-eat fettuccine Alfredo meals
Acidly: Ah, nothing screams "dinner time" like a side of Listeria. FreshRealm's ever-so-reliable chicken fettuccine Alfredo somehow decided to turn into a death trap. With a voluntary recall mendaciously dressed as "caution," three lives have tragically tasted the cruel side of fast food. So, if you’ve got these meals lurking in your fridge, toss them out like yesterday's news. Remember folks, nothing pairs better with creamy Alfredo than a side of FDA caution. Bon appétit—if you dare!
Adobe launches a new ‘computational photography’ camera app for iPhones
Acidly: Adobe's latest brainchild, Project Indigo, is a free app for iPhones - if yours is fancy enough, of course. Created by Marc Levoy, the wizard behind Google’s Pixel magic, it cranks out stellar photos without you needing to fuss over an Adobe account. Just snap a flurry of shots and let the app merge them into "SLR-like" masterpieces. You’ll finally look like a pro without the years of practice. Future features? Sure, just what we need: more ways for average folks to pretend they know photography. Enjoy!
What to know about COVID variant NB.1.8.1 causing 'razor blade throat'
Acidly: Meet NB.1.8.1, the latest COVID variant that's turning throats into butcher shop specials—enter the infamous "razor blade throat." Spreading like gossip, it's dancing through states, bringing mild panic, but health experts assure us it’s less dangerous than that last time you karaoke’d. Sure, just keep masking and pretending this is all normal. After all, it might just give you a sore throat instead of a new debilitating condition. Time to celebrate mediocrity in virus evolution! Cheers!