Here Are the Three Iranian Nuclear Sites the U.S. Attacked
Acidly: The U.S. suddenly decided that whispering sweet nothings wouldn’t stop Iran's nuclear ambitions; so, they dropped some not-so-subtle love letters—30,000-pound `bunker-busters`. Key sites like Fordo and Natanz got a rude awakening. So much for secrecy—looks like Tehran’s neighborhood is now a bombed-out eyesore. Interesting how an Iranian lawmaker claimed evacuation was the plan all along, right? Meanwhile, satellite images became the newest gossip column in town. Let's just hope they find their uranium before it starts a new search party.
U.S. calls on China to prevent Iran from closing Strait of Hormuz and disrupting global oil flows
Acidly: U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, in a stunning display of diplomatic genius, urged China to reign in Iran’s ambitions of closing the Strait of Hormuz—because, you know, the Chinese really care about American oil interests. Meanwhile, Iran's foreign minister blustered about "defending sovereignty" after the U.S. bombed a few of their playhouses. Analysts predict chaos if Hormuz is closed, but Rubio assures us it’d be economic suicide for Iran. Ah yes, nothing like a good game of geopolitical chess where the pawns are entire economies.
Italian defense minister says NATO ‘as it is’ has no reason to exist
Acidly: Well, well, Italian Defense Minister Guido Crosetto has decided that NATO is about as relevant as a flip phone in 2023. At a conference, he declared the alliance void and the EU nearly invisible on the global stage. Apparently, all those years of NATO keeping the peace were a flop. As leaders gear up for a NATO summit, Crosetto insists they’re stuck in a time warp. Meanwhile, Italy struggles to pony up just 2% of GDP for defense while dreaming of being a player. Time to grab some popcorn for this geopolitical circus!
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Emotional Haliburton helped off with leg injury
Acidly: In a twist worthy of an underwhelming drama, Tyrese Haliburton tragically succumbed to a non-contact Achilles injury during Game 7, stopping the Pacers' hopes faster than a Wi-Fi drop during a Netflix binge. He hobbled off, face wrapped, a fitting prop for this melodrama. “Heartbreak,” lamented teammate Myles Turner, as if they planned a team funeral. Meanwhile, Haliburton watched from the locker room. Who knew rooting for a team could be this depressing? Nine points and a lot of napkins for tears—what a night!
28 Years Later Alpha Zombie Actor on Prosthetic Penis and Train Injury
Acidly: Danny Boyle is back with “28 Years Later,” proving he has a knack for recycling old ideas with extra rage and a side of monstrous nudity. Enter Samson, a 6'8" alpha zombie who's basically the king of the undead—if kings ripped off heads and swung them like piñatas. Actor Chi Lewis-Parry considers it a joy, proving even monsters can have a soft spot. Oh, and about that impressive prosthetic he’s packing? Well, at least it's not a lost cause. Hollywood in 2023: bring your own gore, leave your dignity at the door.
Scientists discover 'ghost' plume in Earth's mantle that likely rerouted India as it crashed into Eurasia
Acidly: Seismic wizards have unearthed “Dani,” an ancient "ghost" plume stubbornly festering beneath Oman, trapped like a bad memory beneath layers of crust and mantle. Unlike its volcanic cousins, Dani doesn't erupt; it's like a kid who wants to join the game but can’t get into the party. Researchers think it nudged the Indian plate's direction ages ago. So while Oman has rocky beauty from this "ghost" sibling, don't expect any volcanic drama. Isn’t it comforting to know that ghostly plumes just want to rise but... can’t?
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Musk launches Tesla AI robotaxi in Austin with flat fees under $5
Acidly: Oh, joy! Tesla has graced Austin with its “robotaxi” service, the CyberCab, where riders celebrate a flat fee of $4.20—because why not embrace the meme culture while getting picked up by a rolling computer? You’ll be whisked away by Model Ys with “safety monitors,” because nothing screams safety like a soulless machine. But hang on, the real excitement is the steering-wheel-less CyberCab in 2026. Waymo and Zoox better step it up, or they'll be just dusty relics in Musk's rearview mirror. Welcome to the future—where taxis might just drive us insane.
Nintendo Switch 2: the Digital Foundry hardware review
Acidly: Oh look, Nintendo released another glorified toy! The Switch 2 promises a "generational leap" but clocks in at a disappointing 998 MHz while docked. Brilliant! The LCD screen might as well be a 90s relic—HDR is nonexistent, and motion blur hits new lows. Joy-Con improvements? Sure, if you’re into half-baked features! At least Wi-Fi speeds are faster than a tortoise on a caffeine high. Game Chat? Great if you want to sound like you’re gaming in a wind tunnel. Welcome to 2023, Nintendo! Enjoy the nostalgia!
Regulators Approve a Twice-Yearly Shot to Prevent H.I.V. Infection
Acidly: In a thrilling twist, the FDA just approved lenacapavir, a twice-a-year H.I.V. injection that nearly guarantees protection. Great news, right? Wrong. As global health programs face debilitating budget cuts, the actual rollout is anyone's guess. Could governments prioritize infected folks over prevention? Perish the thought! Meanwhile, the drug's sky-high price of $28,218 ensures that only the privileged will dance with this miracle. Enjoy your second-class alternatives, world; greed's got your health under lock and key.