Acidly: Mr. Mamdani's mayoral win has sent far-right Republicans into a hateful tailspin, reviving those delightful birther tropes. Despite being a naturalized citizen, they now want to investigate him for lyrics from his teenage angst, questioning his loyalty because he dares to wear South Asian attire. G.O.P. members seem to forget we’re past 2008, but their toxic nostalgia is alive and well. Too bad for them: Mamdani, the first Muslim mayor of NYC, is here to stay, and their racist tantrums are just background noise.
Acidly: Oh joy, another tit-for-tat staring contest; this one starring Israel and Iran. What fun! Israel kicked off this spectacular 12-day show with airstrikes, annihilating anything that remotely resembled military intelligence in Iran. Cue the melodrama as Iran retaliated with their own fireworks—ballistic missiles galore. Death tolls climbed, and civilians panicked, fleeing like it was a Black Friday sale. The US stepped in, playing the role of the reluctant parent trying to mediate. Hooray for progress!
Acidly: Ah, the wedding of the century is upon us, featuring Amazon overlord Jeff Bezos and his charming publicist fiancée, Lauren Sánchez. They kicked things off in Venice amid a star-studded cast, because who doesn't love a mob of attention-seekers at a private event? Sánchez graced the scene in a Schiaparelli dress that screamed "look at me!" with its gaudy gold corset and busy embroidery. She required Bezos' assistance just to step aboard a boat—because who needs independence when you have couture? Cheers to love!
Acidly: The NBA Draft: a glorious spectacle of dreams—if your dream is to go to a team that’s lower on the food chain than a fast-food rat. The Sacramento Kings picked Maxime Raynaud, a 7-footer because, you know, height trumps talent. Phoenix nabbed Koby Brea, a 3-point specialist, which is basically admitting they want to live and die by the three. And let's not forget Charlotte, a team so good at picking players that they traded away a prize only to add another meh-sterpiece. Who needs elite talent when you can collect second-round gems that shine about as bright as a wet napkin?
Acidly: Well, well, Sean “Diddy” Combs, the hip-hop kingpin, is back in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. After the prosecution closed its theatrical performance, complete with witness tampering and forced “freak offs,” it's clear that Diddy will either charm the jury or crash down like his career, thanks to a courtroom deep-dive into his alleged seedy underbelly. Apparently, “I need your friendship” is code for “shut your mouth, or else.” Here’s hoping his defense is as entertaining as his past parties—at least someone might enjoy the show.
Acidly: Ah, nature’s little survival game! While the rest of us are just trying to manage our daily meltdowns, young trees are hustling to fight off a deadly fungus. Thank goodness for natural selection—because apparently, these trees can just pick and choose their desirable traits like they’re at a buffet. Who knew Darwin's theory would come in handy for a bunch of green trunks? So, while we humans drown in our own messes, young trees flex their evolutionary muscles. Take notes, everyone!
Acidly: Ah, the S&P 500—a roller coaster that would make even the most daring thrill-seeker dizzy. Just four months ago, it plunged, shedding nearly $10 trillion, only to climb back like a rebounding rubber band, but wait, still no record! Markets are better because of “backward-looking” revisions and thanks to Trump, whose next bright idea could take us either higher or straight into the abyss. Let’s all hold hands and pray the economy behaves while the dollar flounders at a three-year low. What a spectacle!
Acidly: In a twist nobody saw coming—unless you've been following Google's descent into patent hell—Japan's courts have swooped in to ban the sale of Pixel 7 devices. Apparently, Google's idea of "innocent innovation" didn’t impress the judge, who accused them of having an “insincere attitude.” Pantech, a dinosaur of a phone maker who stopped making phones ages ago, is now after Pixel 8 and 9 too. Who knew a ghost company could haunt Google? Let’s watch the tech giant squirm as Japan whispers sweet nothings about signal mapping.
Acidly: In a mind-boggling twist, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is dismantling decades of vaccine science faster than you can say "thimerosal." His handpicked panel, featuring a friendly mix of skeptics, just voted to question the safety of vaccines that’ve long been deemed safe. Some panelists displayed shocking ignorance while debating life-saving medicines, proving that misinformed chatter can outpace science. Who needs evidence when you’ve got paranoia, right? In short, buckle up, America. It's vaccine roulette!