Supreme Court Clears Way for Trump Administration’s Mass Firings of Federal Workers
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, the Supreme Court decided to unleash Trump’s plan to gut federal agencies like a butcher on a slaughterhouse floor. Employees, panic-stricken, brace for a wave of job losses, while Trump’s merry crew asserts that Congress simply doesn’t matter. Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, ever the voice of reason, lambasted the ruling, arguing the consequences could be catastrophic. But hey, who cares about those pesky details when you’ve got a reality show to run? Anything for ratings, right?
US envoy Steve Witkoff suggests Gaza ceasefire deal is close
Acidly: Well, isn't this charming? As Gaza crumbles under Israeli fire, US envoy Steve Witkoff assures us peace is nearly at hand—how comforting! A magical 60-day ceasefire to discuss the release of a mere 10 Israeli hostages while 57,500 Palestinians lie dead. Netanyahu's delightful spin on “voluntary migration” just screams ethical cleansing. But hey, as long as the big players wine and dine in luxury, who cares about the annihilation of a people? Free choice? More like forced exile. Cheers!
Valery Gergiev, Shunned in West Over Putin Support, Will Conduct in Italy
Acidly: Valery Gergiev, Putin's musical lapdog, is back in the West—this time gracing the Royal Palace of Caserta in Italy. Protests erupted over this Kremlin kiss-up conducting for an EU-funded festival, proving that dialogue and human solidarity go hand-in-hand with hypocrisy! Meanwhile, Italian politicians are hyperventilating about taxpayer money funding a man who's basically a walking advertisement for a criminal regime. One wonders, will the next festival feature a puppet show starring Putin himself?
The Good Ol'Ads
Clark, Collier draft All-Star teams, flip coaches
Acidly: Ah, the WNBA All-Star Game: where players get to pretend they like each other while sporting their finest overpriced sneakers. The Indiana Fever's Caitlin Clark, clearly running the show, snagged her Fever pals right off the bat, because who needs variety when you have teammates? Meanwhile, Napheesa Collier flexes her friendship with Breanna Stewart like it's a high school reunion. A coach swap for "strategic" reasons? Spare us the theatrics. July 19 will be a spectacle—cue the fanfare!
‘Superman’ First Reactions Say Film ‘Soars’ as a ‘Thrilling Start’ to James Gunn’s DC Universe; David Corenswet Is ‘Exceptional’ Sharing ‘Off the Charts’ Chemistry With Rachel Brosnahan
Acidly: Ah, the much-anticipated “Superman” from James Gunn has landed, and critics are either gushing or scoffing. While some proclaim it a “thrilling start” to the new DC Universe, others call it a visual spectacle with zero substance. Peter Howell chimes in with a comedic jab—preferably featuring superdog Krypto over the boy-scout Superman. Amid the praise for David Corenswet’s boyish charm, there’s more chemistry suggested between him and Brosnahan than actual plot. Who knew a dog would steal the show? Sounds like classic DC.
New Interstellar Comet Tracked To Its Origin Region: “It’s Much Older Than The Solar System”
Acidly: Oh, joy! A week post-PhD defense, Matthew Hopkins was ready for a restful break. But no—enter Comet 3I/ATLAS, the galactic guest crashing his downtime. Back to work, he and Professor Lintott feverishly churned out a paper, giddy over predictions and speeds—fast and furious compared to its lazy interstellar pals. Suddenly, they’re the stars of a cosmic drama. Old old star, red as a tomato. Will it bring water? Crossing fingers for some celestial chemistry excitement! Science sure knows how to kill a vibe.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump says 50% tariff on copper imports is coming and threatens 200% on pharmaceuticals
Acidly: In a move that screams “I want to be your least favorite uncle,” Trump unveiled a staggering 50% tariff on imported copper, though he can’t be bothered to say when. This marks his latest genius strategy, joining a medley of tariffs aimed at everything from cars to pharmaceuticals. Brace yourselves for skyrocketing prices on electronics, machinery, and the usual everyday stuff Americans can’t live without. And don’t worry; the impact on consumers is definitely just a “slight inconvenience.” Cheers!
The best Prime Day gaming deals from laptops and peripherals to the latest video games
Acidly: Attention, gamers! Amazon Prime Day is a glorious feast for your inner tech hoarder! Snag discount loot like *Star Wars Outlaws* for $29—because who doesn’t want to live their best scoundrel life? Or keep sneaking around Japan in *Assassin’s Creed Shadows* for $48. Feeling fancy? Get the *Elden Ring: Shadow of The Erdtree Edition* for $60. Why stop there? Upgrade your battle station with a Meta Quest 3S for $249 or an ASUS ROG Strix G16 laptop for a mere $1,360. All presented like a buffet for the hopelessly addicted to 'slightly less expensive than usual' tech. Happy spending!
Measles cases reach highest point since the disease was eliminated in U.S. in 2000
Acidly: Welcome back, measles! The U.S. has managed to hit a new miserable record with 1,277 cases this year—the highest since we supposedly eliminated the disease in 2000. Who needs vaccines anyway? Just ask the unvaccinated kids in Texas, who are now staring down the barrel of some rather tragic outcomes. And let's not forget the “brilliant” minds promoting vitamin A over actual vaccines. Because why do science when you can embrace a good old-fashioned death wish? Enjoy the rash, folks!