Aidan Heartfield body recovered after week-long search following Texas Hill Country flood
Acidly: Please provide the article you'd like me to condense, and I'll get right to it.
President Announces 30% Tariffs on E.U. and Mexico
Acidly: In a classic Trump move, tariff threats are flying like it's a game show, leaving Mexico and the EU reeling. Just when they thought they were negotiating with a real dealmaker, Trump slapped down a flat 30% tariff, because why not? Mexico's officials, up to their necks in talks, might as well have been speaking to a brick wall. And the EU? They’re pondering retaliation, but let’s be honest—they're no match for the wild card that is Trump, who treats trade like poker night. Great for world economies, isn't it?
Putin’s friend Gergiev set to conduct as Italy breaks ban on pro-Kremlin artists
Acidly: In a stunning display of cultural myopia, Italy's Campania region is rolling out the red carpet for Valery Gergiev, a maestro more loyal to Putin than to music. Critics call it madness while local politicians champion art over politics, blissfully ignoring Gergiev’s history of warmongering support. Amid Ukraine’s agony, their applause for a puppet of the Kremlin is pure hypocrisy. Bravo, Italy! Why not add a fireworks show while you're at it? Just pretend the bombs falling on Ukraine are music notes, right?
The Good Ol'Ads
Amanda Anisimova’s Wimbledon final, and the agony and ecstasy of tennis
Acidly: Wimbledon: where dreams go to die in the most absurdly public ways. Amanda Anisimova's debut final turned into a farce as Iga Świątek obliterated her with a 6-0, 6-0 shellacking in under an hour. A performance so pitiful it rivals the darkest moments of tennis history. Anisimova’s sobs on-center stage were both relatable and cringe-worthy. Sure, she’s “proud” of her journey—who wouldn’t want to be the poster child for facing embarrassment on worldwide TV? Here’s hoping that “stronger” mantra doesn’t hurt too much.
Box Office: ‘Superman’ Lifts Off With $56.5 Million Opening Day — Second-Biggest of 2025
Acidly: Warner Bros. must be popping champagne in a half-hearted celebration as “Superman” soars with a measly $56.5 million debut, just behind a “Minecraft Movie.” But hey, premium ticket prices count, right? With a $225 million budget, this reboot aims to be the cornerstone of a new DC universe—no pressure, David Corenswet! Meanwhile, “Jurassic World Rebirth” continues its decline, and “F1” struggles to justify its outrageous budget. Forget originality; the box office is just one big superhero circus now. Cheers!
Denver Museum Finds a Dinosaur Fossil Under Its Parking Lot
Acidly: In a plot twist that could only happen to the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, a 70 million-year-old dinosaur bone was rediscovered deep beneath its parking lot. After a geological drilling project designed to stop heating bills spiraled into a dramatic fossil hunt, staff members dove into chaos over a tiny cylindrical piece of bone. Apparently, this little guy, possibly an ornithopod, was too shy to reveal his identity—much like the museum’s attempts to attract visitors. Fossil emergencies? More like a paleontological pizza party.
The Good Ol'Ads
Hartford Bakery, Inc. voluntarily recalls hundreds of loaves of artisanal bread sold in 12 states
Acidly: Oh, the irony! Just when you thought you were safe munching on your "healthy" half loaf from Lewis Bake Shop, you discover it may be packed with hazelnuts, the one thing you were dodging faster than a bad date. Sure, there are no major injuries, just a lucky customer who got a tummy upset—a real horror story. And let’s not forget the astute shoppers who noticed the nuts staring back at them. It’s a nutty world, folks; reading is apparently not a thing. Return your loaf to claim your “I can’t believe it’s not deadly” refund.
Samsung launches three new foldable smartphones as it fends off Chinese rivals
Acidly: Samsung launched its new folding phones: the Galaxy Z Fold 7 and Z Flip 7, because who doesn’t want a device that plays hide and seek with their pocket? The Fold 7 boasts impressive specs, except for its mediocre battery. But hey, it’s thinner and prettier! Meanwhile, the Flip 7 can flip and brag about its AI features—because nothing says innovation like asking a robot for fashion advice. Good luck, Samsung; your opponents are sharpening their knives in this competitive circus.
Arizona resident dies from pneumonic plague, health officials say
Acidly: A resident of Arizona decided to embrace the joys of history by becoming the first plague casualty in Coconino County since 2007. Health officials confirmed the death, likely caused by an intimate encounter with a dead animal—because who doesn’t love sharing life with infectious bacteria? Plague rages on in the modern world, though we must commend the health department for keeping public anxiety at bay with a reassuring "low risk" of exposure. Bravo, Coconino County! Let’s not forget to avoid dead pets and symptomatic individuals. Good luck!