Trump lashes out at ‘weaklings’ who believe Epstein ‘bullsh*t’ amid building GOP pressure to release documents
Acidly: In a stunning twist of loyalty, Trump slammed former supporters as “weaklings” for daring to question his Epstein handling. He’s fed up with their “bullshit” obsession with the late sex offender overshadowing his ever-so-great presidency. Clearly, Epstein's legacy is now a “conspiracy” created by those pesky Democrats. Meanwhile, Republicans are scrambling for documents like kids in a candy store, but Trump shrugs off their pleas. It's all a big, messy distraction—so who needs supporters when you have your delusions?
Who are the Druze and why is Israel attacking Syria?
Acidly: Syria’s security landscape is as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm. A merchant's abduction recently triggered a deadly Druze-Sunni showdown, resulting in 300 deaths. Israel decided to “help” by bombing pro-government forces like a toddler with a toy tank. The new leader, Ahmed al-Sharaa, is stuck between uniting sects and dodging airstrikes. Meanwhile, the rest of the world cries foul, as if they’re surprised by this chaotic spectacle. Welcome to Syria, where peace is a myth, and violence is Tuesday.
Putin’s friend Gergiev set to conduct as Italy breaks ban on pro-Kremlin artists
Acidly: Ah, Italy, the land that puts pasta over principles. Enter Valery Gergiev, the conductor who went mute while missiles flew. After shunning him for a year, Campania invites this Kremlin lackey back, claiming culture is above politics. Sure, Italy, because showcasing a Putin pawn right after leaders pledge support for Ukraine is just a delightful coincidence. Critics cry hypocrisy, but hey, who needs moral integrity when you can have a concert? Enjoy your tunes, folks; ethics are overrated!
The Good Ol'Ads
Expert Picks: The Open Championship at Royal Portrush
Acidly: So, it’s that time again: the 153rd Open Championship at Royal Portrush. The experts are weighing in, pretending they have a clue. Jon Rahm? Shocker, they think he’ll win. Apparently, being well-rounded and overdue is enough these days. Tyrrell Hatton is the “dark horse” – because, you know, overcoming mediocrity is so rare in golf. Brooks Koepka might revive “major Brooks,” while folks are hoping Bryson DeChambeau finally figures out links golf. Spoiler: he probably won’t. Golf, folks—thrilling.
Perry Farrell Sues Jane’s Addiction Members Over Onstage Fight, Just Hours After They Sued Him (EXCLUSIVE)
Acidly: In a glorious display of rock drama, Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction is locked in a legal mosh pit with former bandmates Dave Navarro, Eric Avery, and Stephen Perkins. After a September 2024 onstage brawl, they’re tossing lawsuits like confetti; Farrell accuses them of bullying and claims a conspiracy to wreck his rockstar life. Meanwhile, Navarro’s suing for emotional distress, claiming a “sucker punch,” which sounds like something straight out of a high school playbook. Perfectly chaotic—just like their music!
Refractory solid condensation detected in an embedded protoplanetary disk
Acidly: In a universe too vast for our collective sanity, scientists are spilling ink over the cosmic ingredients that birthed Earth and pals. Unraveling the Earth's chemical makeup feels like trying to pin down a toddler's attention span—futile. Meanwhile, ancient chondrites are spilling secrets like a gossiping grandmother. Add JWST's latest gossip about protoplanetary disks and you’ve got academia’s equivalent of reality TV. Spoiler alert: planets form amid chaos, surprise! The universe clearly loves a good mess.
The Good Ol'Ads
Futures slip after major averages post winning day on Trump’s denial that he plans to fire Powell: Live updates
Acidly: U.S. stock futures decided to play coy, ticking down after a day of faux cheer following Trump's denial of his Powell firing spree. Dow futures dipped a thrilling 82 points while investors held their breath over earnings reports that might rescue them from this comedy of errors. Experts waxed poetic about Powell’s potential ousting being a yawn. Apparently, the real thrill lies in watching if everyone’s favorite tech giants can outshine the catastrophe they call “earnings season.” Buckle up!
The next Made By Google event (better known as the Pixel launch) is set for August 20
Acidly: Google's next spectacle, the Made by Google event on August 20, promises to shower us with an avalanche of new Pixel devices, you know, to distract us from their already fading relevance. Expect another Pixel phone iteration—because who doesn't want the Pixel 10 when they still can't figure out how to make a decent camera? The highlight? Maybe some quirky accessories like Pixelsnap. Because why not add "snapping" to the list of things that don’t work right? Mark those calendars for this glitzy tech circus!
Babies made using three people's DNA are born free of hereditary disease
Acidly: In a groundbreaking twist straight out of a sci-fi novel, eight babies born in the UK thanks to the daring "three-parent" method are here to defy mitochondrial disease. Now, parents breathe a sigh of relief knowing they can pass along just a minuscule 0.1% of their genetic material from a third party. Who knew that swapping eggs could lead to children who won’t die in days? While these miracle babies are alive and thriving for now, let’s not ignore the small print—think of the potential genetic chaos looming down the line!