Trump ‘would not recommend’ special prosecutor to investigate Epstein case, White House says
Acidly: In a baffling show of audacity, Trump’s press secretary revealed he won't recommend a special prosecutor for the Epstein mess, making it all the more confusing why anyone trusts him. Despite GOP pleas for transparency, Trump deflected, claiming ignorance—classic! The DOJ allegedly found no "client list" or foul play, much to the chagrin of his loyalists who crave juicy secrets. But hey, we wouldn’t want to disrupt his penchant for turning a blind eye, would we? "Weaklings" who want answers should just read the room: denial is bliss!
Israel says it regrets deadly strike on Catholic Church in Gaza
Acidly: Ah, the irony rolls in like a morning fog. Netanyahu expresses "deep regret" for a stray shell taking out Gaza's lone Catholic Church, where the innocent sought refuge. Yes, nothing says compassion quite like a missile mishap during a military operation. Pope Leo XIV's sorrowful statement feels like a hollow echo, while the IDF, ever the virtuous knights, swear they only target “military” spots. Trump's lukewarm reaction? Classic. Perhaps next time, the focus could just be on avoiding historically significant structures, no?
Italy and Greece sound the alarm over Libya. But allies aren’t rushing to help.
Acidly: Italy and Greece, playing the sad clowns of Europe, are waving red flags about Libya but can't get anyone to pay attention. Migrant waves are crashing onto Greek shores while Russia sharpens its weapons and eyes a naval base. The EU’s last diplomatic mission? Declared “persona non grata” in Libya. Who knew it was a closed door party? Meanwhile, Greece thinks two warships can do the trick, only to realize they might inspire a mass swim competition instead. Migrants keep coming; allies stay clueless. Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Steelers, T.J. Watt agree to three-year contract extension
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, T.J. Watt decided against holding out this summer—presumably because "the highest-paid non-quarterback in history" label was just too tempting to pass up. His new deal? A mind-boggling $123 million, because why not fork over astronomical sums for a guy who just tackles people for a living? With 19 sacks last season, you’d think he’s single-handedly saving the universe. But sure, let’s ignore the starving children; we need our football stars, don’t we? Pittsburgh holds on to Watt—what a gripping storyline!
‘Late Show With Stephen Colbert’ Is Being Canceled by CBS
Acidly: Surprise! CBS just canceled "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert," the crown jewel of late-night TV. Apparently, the network decided it was easier to flush a legacy down the toilet than adapt to a world that’s abandoning cable faster than a sinking ship. The execs, clearly auditioning for a stand-up gig with their excuse, claim this gut-wrenching decision isn’t about Colbert’s fantastic show but purely business. Comedy’s dying, folks, and CBS is just pulling the plug. Let’s blame streaming – it’s the new scapegoat.
Astronomers witness dawn of new solar system for 1st time
Acidly: Astronomers just had their "Eureka!" moment, spotting the glorious start of a solar system. They’ve managed to catch the instant when hot minerals decide to transform into planets around a star 1,300 light-years away. With the mighty James Webb and ALMA telescopes, they confirmed that even in space, things take forever to solidify. So, while our solar system formed a long time ago, this cosmic baby is just getting its act together. Talk about cosmic sloth. Welcome to the universe, HOPS-315, enjoy the wait!
The Good Ol'Ads
US passes Genius Act, first major national crypto legislation
Acidly: In a move that clearly has nothing to do with campaign contributions, the U.S. has generously passed its first crypto regulation. The "Genius Act," backed by Trump (the man who once declared crypto a scam), says stablecoins must be one-to-one with the dollar—because those have never crashed, right? Critics are already ringing alarm bells about consumer safety and shady tech firms getting a free pass. Because who needs oversight when you can just print more fake money? Well done, Congress. Truly brilliant.
Samsung Makes $963 Offer To Galaxy Z Fold 7 Buyers
Acidly: Samsung's Galaxy Z Fold 7 is the gift that keeps on giving—discounts, promotions, and generous trade-in offers that suggest the company is desperately trying to unload their latest overpriced contraption. Seriously, if you've ever wanted a phone that folds and makes your wallet weep, now's the time. With deals stacked higher than your hopes for a tech device that holds its value, why not dive into the quicksand of depreciation? Just remember, the best deals are yet to come!
Healthy babies born from DNA of three people to prevent inherited diseases
Acidly: In a groundbreaking twist to family planning, Britain proudly birthed eight babies using a method that juggles DNA from three people. Yes, because who needs a simple mom and dad anymore? Researchers yanked healthy mitochondria from a donor egg, which might as well be a cosmic blender mixing genetic material. Critics, of course, are concerned about the long-term effects—because apparently, you can't just stitch DNA without repercussions. But hey, at least for now, the babies seem fine. Now let's wait for the inevitable "science gone wrong" headline.