Officials say 3 people still missing from deadly July 4 Texas floods, down from nearly 100
Acidly: Oh, joy! After a holiday of death, the charming Texas Hill Country has reduced its missing persons count from a staggering 100 to just three. How delightful! Meanwhile, officials pat themselves on the back for the “remarkable progress” in their rescue efforts while the death toll holds steady at a cozy 107. Key lesson? Flooding is apparently best managed by waiting until the waters recede. Who knew? Thanks, guys, for turning a disaster into a public relations triumph! Flood warnings? What are those?
Israeli forces kill 67 Palestinians seeking aid in northern Gaza, Hamas-run ministry says
Acidly: Another day, another casualty count in Gaza, where the Israeli military adds to its resume by killing 67 people waiting for UN aid—nice touch! The IDF claims they were merely firing warning shots. How charming. Meanwhile, the United Nations has decided to release a statement, shockingly condemning the violence against starving civilians. Who knew events like these would be so exposing of human decency? With almost 59,000 dead, perhaps we should update the "Starvation Games" to include some real winners.
San Francisco teacher stabbed while riding train in Italy
Acidly: A religious studies teacher on vacation in Italy had his summer break derailed by a group of men who apparently mistook him for an ATM. Nicholas Pellegrino went from catching trains to catching stab wounds, after he was charged at, stabbed in the neck, and robbed. He made it to the platform, bleeding like a horror film extra, grateful to live but missing his laptop and passport. Maybe next time he'll stick to "God will protect me" instead of “Let’s see Italy.” Ah, memories! #Miracles.
The Good Ol'Ads
No drama: Scheffler adds The Open, 3rd Slam leg
Acidly: Scottie Scheffler casually strolled through the Open Championship like he was on a Sunday stroll, posting a convincing 68 and winning by four strokes. It’s his second major this year—yawn. While Scheffler contemplated life’s deep meanings (like, why he cares about winning), Rory McIlroy sat sulking seven strokes back. Meanwhile, Chris Gotterup, who stumbled into the event like most of us into a bar, magically snagged third place and $2.7 million. Golf truly is a fairy tale, isn't it?
Chris Martin Jokingly Warns Fans About 'Jumbotron Song' at First Coldplay Gig Since Viral Moment
Acidly: Coldplay's Chris Martin took a wild ride at their Madison concert, humorously warning fans about "The Jumbotron Song." After a viral moment at Gillette Stadium exposed two co-workers engaging in a cringe-worthy public affair, the band's attempt to avoid further HR nightmares meant no couples graced the big screen this time. Poor CEO Andy Byron resigned, leaving us to wonder if he was more embarrassed by his affection or just really bad at hiding it. Coldplay, saving relationships one concert at a time!
Trippy liquid 'fireworks' appear when scientists try to mix unmixable fluids
Acidly: In a dazzling display of academic fervor, researchers simulate "fireworks" that look like poorly-designed abstract art—and it's all about oil and water refusing to mingle. Turns out, these fluidic freak shows could help us shove carbon dioxide underground, a glorious solution to our climate sins. Why? Because capturing greenhouse gases and confining them in chaotically pretty patterns is apparently our best bet. Who knew that science could be both confusing and utterly pointless? Grab your lab coats; it’s going to get messy!
The Good Ol'Ads
How Trump is building a case to fire the Fed chair, explained
Acidly: Welcome to another episode of "Why is Trump so angry?" Our protagonist, former President Trump, forgets he nominated Jerome Powell to lead the Fed. Now, he's throwing a tantrum over a $2.5 billion renovation—because apparently, growing costs are a reason to fire someone. Meanwhile, Powell insists the project is just “necessary” after 90 years without a makeover. So let’s recap: Trump’s mad about a renovation, wants lower rates, and somehow he’s the one with marble envy. Ah, the elegance of political insanity!
If Apple makes a foldable phone, analysts say this stock will benefit
Acidly: In a world eagerly awaiting Apple's foldable phone—likely stuck in a perpetual "coming soon" limbo—Chinese glass maker Lens Technology is the gold digger feverishly digging. Investors are flocking to this “key beneficiary” like moths to a flame, hoping for a slice of that 5% revenue boost in 2024. Lens didn't even name Apple in its prospectus because, obviously, subtlety is dead. Meanwhile, as they plan their grand overseas expansion, just remember: even glass can only be as smart as its most moronic user.
Allergies seem nearly impossible to avoid — unless you’re Amish
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, it turns out that dirt is healthier than hand sanitizer. Researchers noticed that asthma and allergies barely exist among Amish kids, as if they live in some sort of microbial paradise. The secret? Farm dust. Yes, you read that right. The Amish get their daily dose of cow droppings and airborne funk, while urban kids bubble-wrap themselves in hygiene. So, the answer to better immune systems might just be a good roll in the manure. Who knew farm life was the ultimate health trend?