Judge Sentences Ex-Officer in Breonna Taylor Raid to Nearly 3 Years in Prison
Acidly: In a stunning twist of irony, a former Louisville cop, Brett Hankison, gets nearly three years for blowing away Breonna Taylor's civil rights. Mind you, he didn’t even hit her—kudos for that. The Trump administration, in its infinite wisdom, suggested a slap on the wrist: one day. Yes, just one day, but Judge Jennings must’ve thought that was a tad too lenient. So, we get 33 months—a whole lot of nothing for a “civil rights violation.” Meanwhile, protests erupt outside, proving that outrage, unlike justice, is still alive and kicking. Bravo, America!
25 countries sign statement calling for end of war in Gaza
Acidly: In a shocking twist, 25 countries decided to collectively clutch their pearls over the Gaza war, wagging fingers at Israel for "insufficient" aid – who knew moral outrage was still a thing? Apparently, sending aid while dodging bullets is just not cutting it. Israeli officials, meanwhile, are busy playing the blame game, claiming Hamas is the root of all evil. Who needs to focus on humanitarian crises when you can just assert denial? Spoiler alert: actions speak louder than diplomatic statements. Classic.
Concert by Putin ally Valery Gergiev cancelled in Italy
Acidly: Ah yes, another day, another cancellation of the Kremlin's pet conductor. Valery Gergiev, with his stunning ability to turn a blind eye to atrocities, has been unceremoniously barred from basking in Italy's musical glory. The Un'Estate da RE festival pulled the plug on his concert near Naples. Italian Culture Minister Alessandro Giuli dubbed it "common sense." Meanwhile, Moscow's ambassador is throwing a tantrum over "cancelling Russian culture." Because how dare we avoid a dictator’s lapdog, right?
The Good Ol'Ads
Chris Paul agrees to 1-year deal with Clippers for his 21st NBA season: Source - The Athletic
Acidly: In a move that screams “desperate nostalgia,” the LA Clippers have welcomed back 40-year-old Chris Paul on a veteran’s minimum, because who doesn’t want to relive past glories, right? After years of mediocrity post-Clippers, he’s here to prop up James Harden, who, let’s face it, needs all the help he can get. With both players in "twilight years,” they aim to juice one last shot at a title. Spoiler: it’s going to take more than a couple of old heads to save this sinking ship. Enjoy the final act, folks!
Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Theo Huxtable on ‘The Cosby Show,’ Dead at 54 After Drowning
Acidly: Malcolm-Jamal Warner, forever trapped in the shadow of Theo Huxtable, drowned at 54, proving the ocean has a cruel sense of humor. While folks tried to save him, the waves politely ignored the drama, much like viewers did when his later work fell flat. Sure, he dabbled in music and poetry, but let’s be real—he’ll always be “the guy from that one show.” As his podcast wrapped discussions on the Black experience, it became painfully ironic that he faced a very real ending at a beach no one expected him to leave from.
Astronomers crack 1,000-year-old Betelgeuse mystery with 1st-ever sighting of secret companion (photo, video)
Acidly: Astronomers finally spotted Betelgeuse’s companion star, apparently squished in a tight orbit, addressing a centuries-old mystery. Betelgeuse, the celestial diva, will happily devour this poor star in about 10,000 years. Talk about a toxic relationship! After years of playful dimming, scientists cracked the code: an obscuring cloud, not some impending supernova. So, buckle up for Betelgeuse's final act of gluttony, while we wait to see this cozy couple break up in a fiery disaster. Survival of the fittest, right?
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock futures are little changed after S&P 500 posts another record close: Live updates
Acidly: In an astonishing turn of events, the S&P 500 and Nasdaq are “breaking records” while the Dow limps along like an unwanted puppy. Futures are mildly optimistic—0.1% here, 0.05% there. Wow, riveting stuff. Investors, ever so hopeful, are on edge about earnings reports that signal optimism, despite a possible economic apocalypse looming with tariffs and AI buzzwords. As for valuations? Brace yourselves—Gene Goldman suggests we've hit a peak faster than a cheetah on Red Bull. Enjoy the rollercoaster.
Google gets ahead of the leaks and reveals the Pixel 10 early
Acidly: Oh joy, Google is about to bless us with the Pixel 10 series – basically the Pixel 9 with extra steps. Spoiler alert: leaks already revealed the design, making the August 20 event a thrilling showcase of déjà vu. The 13-second video features a bland blue-gray that screams originality. And don’t get your hopes up; a shiny new telephoto lens comes with the thrill of weaker sensors. Mark your calendars, folks! Get ready for the same phone experience with a sprinkle of hype. Can't wait. Or maybe I can.
COVID-19 cases are rising in these states amid summer wave
Acidly: Ah, summer! Time for beach trips, BBQs, and—wait for it—another COVID-19 surge. The CDC reveals cases are climbing in 26 states and kids are using ERs like they're amusement parks. Fabulous, right? Just when you thought you could ditch the mask in the sun. Variants Nimbus and Stratus are here, and they’re slightly less deadly, which is comforting in the way a lukewarm soda is. Remember: it’s just a “shared decision” to get vaccinated now. So, grab your sunscreen and a booster, folks!