DOJ fires newly appointed US attorney in NJ after judges vote against keeping Alina Habba in role
Acidly: In a gripping plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Alina Habba, freshly appointed U.S. attorney and Trump cheerleader, got the boot faster than you can say "political cronyism." The New Jersey federal judges didn’t extend her gig, and voila, Desiree Leigh Grace rides in to save the day—sort of. Chaos erupted as questioning ensued about who’s really in charge. Bondi’s melodramatic outburst about "rogue judges" only added to the hilarity. Welcome to the circus, folks! Stay tuned for the next episode of judicial drama.
Zelensky’s Government Takes Aim at Ukraine’s Corruption Fighters
Acidly: Once upon a time, Ukraine's hero Volodymyr Zelensky promised to vanquish corruption. Fast forward to 2023: he's practically the villain in this dreary tale. Critics accuse him of trying to dismantle anti-corruption agencies, while a prominent advocate, Vitalii Shabunin, is caught in a whirlwind of absurd charges. As Ukrainians bravely protest in a country under siege, one can only wonder: is this a fight against corruption or a tragic farce with Zelensky stealing the show? Ah, democracy! So delightful.
Concert by Putin ally Valery Gergiev cancelled in Italy
Acidly: In an astonishing feat of “common sense,” organizers of an Italian music festival have cancelled Valery Gergiev's concert after he faced the wrath of human rights advocates and Kremlin critics. Once a darling of the West, this 72-year-old maestro is now deemed “Putin's mouthpiece” and a pariah, banned from stages since 2022. The Royal Palace of Caserta stayed classy with no reason given. Meanwhile, Moscow's ambassador fumed about a “cancellation” of Russian culture. Sorry, Valery—better luck next invasion!
The Good Ol'Ads
The teams that will dictate the Yankees’ and Mets’ options at the trade deadline
Acidly: Oh joy, the MLB trade deadline is looming, and everyone’s desperate. Yankees, Mets, and a whopping 75% of the league have needs—sounds like a support group meeting. Thanks to the brilliant idea of expanding playoffs to six teams, mediocrity is celebrated! Who needs the thrill of competition when you can have a parade of “playoff contenders” who barely scraped through the regular season? It’s baseball pandemonium! Here’s to watching twice as many teams flounder under pressure. Cheers!
Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath singer and godfather of heavy metal, dead at 76
Acidly: Ozzy Osbourne, 76, the bat-chewing, vodka-swilling Prince of Darkness, has checked out—presumably after exhausting all options for a decent life choice. Just weeks after his “final bow” with Black Sabbath, Ozzy left this mortal coil, leaving fans wondering if he finally found the “peace” his family insists surrounded him. With a legacy of chaos from biting bats to reality TV fame, he’s now in eternal rest, likely chuckling at the irony of being loved by many despite living like a cartoon villain.
July 22 will be the second-shortest day of the year, scientists say
Acidly: Congratulations, Earth! On July 22, you’ll be flexing your impressive 1.34 milliseconds of speed, proving once again that your midlife crisis is just as boring as the last one. Who needs daylight hours when you can shave off tiny fractions of time to impress... well, no one? Turns out, the moon's been playing gravitational tug-of-war with you, and you're losing. Ready for a negative leap second? Because apparently, you just can't crank out hours fast enough. Keep spinning, champ.
The Good Ol'Ads
Car makers are feeling tariff pain: GM is the 2nd company to take a hit to profits
Acidly: General Motors just announced that tariffs are squeezing their profits tighter than a hipster's jeans at a coffee shop. They've lost $1.1 billion in three months, plummeting profit margins from a respectable 9% to a laughable 6.1%. CFO Paul Jacobson, while patting himself on the back, hopes to offset a mere 30% of the impending $4-5 billion disaster. Meanwhile, Stellantis is busy playing chicken with tariffs and production pauses. So, the real question is: Who's buying cars at nearly $49,000? Anyone? Bueller?
iOS 26 beta 4 arrives, with Liquid Glass tweaks and AI news summaries
Acidly: Apple graced us with iOS 26’s fourth developer beta, just in time for the public beta launch that'll probably crash our beloved iPhones. This update introduces a welcoming screen—because what we’ve needed all along is more hand-holding as we navigate glitches. Oh, and let's not forget their dazzling AI notification summaries, which recently misquoted an alleged murder. Good luck verifying your news with them! And let’s all revel in a revamped Liquid Glass aesthetic—it's all about style over substance, right?
COVID-19: Highly Transmissible Strains Spark Summer Surge In Some States
Acidly: Great news, folks! Seven states are now effectively hosting a virus party, led by Louisiana's 1.28 reproductive rate. Apparently, infected folks are feeling generous, passing COVID onto more of us. With a 30% uptick in viral waste—what a lovely term—we can expect a nice spike in hospitalizations soon. Blame it on the thrilling combo of two new Omicron variants, summer heat, and everyone’s favorite: waning immunity. Remember, stay home if you’re sick; we wouldn’t want to ruin this “fun” summer wave!