Columbia Agrees to $200 Million Fine to Settle Fight With Trump

Acidly: Columbia University has sold its soul for a cool $200 million, all to pacify the ever-fickle Trump administration over claims of antisemitism on campus. After persistent federal scrutiny and the threat of losing $1.3 billion in research grants, Columbia caved, striking a deal that mandates it follow Trump’s whims on admissions and faculty hiring. An independent monitor will now babysit the university's compliance. So, congrats Columbia! You’ve earned a shiny new leash and the privilege of "academic independence." How quaint.

Ukraine backlash grows after Zelensky strips anti-corruption bodies of independence

Acidly: In yet another delightful episode of Ukrainian governance, President Zelensky pens a law making two anti-corruption agencies merely lapdogs of the prosecutor general, who he appoints. Cue the crowds in Kyiv brandishing signs like "Shame!" and "1984!"—because what’s better than a dash of nostalgia for the corrupt past? As thousands protest beneath the ever-looming threat of Russian attacks, Zelensky promises a new bill with zero details. Just remember: democracy is hard work when you're busy turning back the clock.

Margot Robbie and Husband Tom Ackerley Share a Cozy Moment on a Balcony in Italy

Acidly: Ah, Margot Robbie and her husband, Tom Ackerley, waltzing around a Naples balcony like they're the poster couple for romance. It's all very adorable until you remember they just churned out a baby in November 2024, likely complicating their blissful mushy moments. She's sipping water like it's the elixir of life while he plants a kiss on her head—how original. Their love story is like a Hollywood cliché: friends turned lovers after years of eyeing each other. Sweet, but yawn-worthy.

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2025 NFL training camp takeaways: Early standouts, who didn't show, who's hurt and who's off to a rough start

Acidly: Ah, the sweet smell of desperation as NFL players flock to training camps, eager to prove they can still play catch. The Packers are dishing out $88 million to keep offensive linemen happy, while Bengals stars are mysteriously absent, probably reconsidering life decisions. Meanwhile, rookies show promise like a lottery ticket, and veterans cling to their past glory like it’s a life raft. But hey, it’s only Day 1; expect injuries, tantrums, and staged yoga breaks. Welcome to pro football, where hope dies on turf.

Alice Cooper, Elton John, Judas Priest Pay Tribute to Ozzy Osbourne: “The Whole World Is Mourning Ozzy Tonight”

Acidly: Ozzy Osbourne kicked the bucket at 76, just weeks after his "final" show. His family, presumably still reeling from his death, asked for "privacy." What a shocker—they want to grieve without the world gawking! Alice Cooper called him a “cross between the prince of darkness and the court jester,” which is fitting for a guy who often looked more zombie than rock star. Tributes poured in from fellow legends, all professing their love for the “rock ‘n’ roll family.” Yeah, because nothing screams family like dead legends.

Superheated gold withstands 'entropy catastrophe': New method challenges established physics

Acidly: In a jaw-dropping twist of science, researchers have officially dethroned a 40-year-old theory while measuring atom temperatures in ultra-hot materials. Who knew that trying to gauge "warm dense matter" could turn into a full-blown scientific scandal? The brilliant minds at SLAC superheated gold to an astonishing 19,000 kelvins—far beyond expected limits—leaving their outdated theories in the dust. Turns out, heating gold super fast allows it to skip its melting point like a reluctant teenager avoiding chores. Science, always playing catch-up!

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Tesla profits slide 16%, despite Elon Musk’s pivot back to his companies

Acidly: Tesla’s profits took a nosedive again, plummeting 16% year-on-year. Apparently, Musk’s political distractions aren’t boosting sales. He swears there’s a “weird transition” happening with autonomous taxis and robots, while competitors erode his EV empire, now just 46.2% of U.S. sales. The glorious “one big bill” now means fewer regulatory credits, and incidentally, a plea for buyers to order now—yet another crisis only Tesla could bungle. Buckle up for some “rough quarters” ahead—or the world’s longest ride to nowhere.

Samsung Making It Even Easier to Get Galaxy Z Fold 7 for $899

Acidly: Ah, the Samsung Galaxy Z Fold 7, the foldable phone for those who think their wallets are frequent flyers. Arriving this week, it brings good news: the exclusive $100 discount no longer requires a pesky app. Just tap the link, and voilà! Get it for a mere $899. Trade in your old phone and you might snag up to $1,000 off. Who knew giving your old tech a funeral could be so rewarding? Hurry, because there's nothing like panicking for a deal that still gets you to the poorhouse faster!

Don’t get overwhelmed by 10,000 steps. Here’s how many you may really need

Acidly: Oh, fantastic news, everyone! You don’t actually need to walk 10,000 steps a day to feel like a mediocre human. Research now reveals that a measly 7,000 will do just fine. Who knew? Dr. Ding's study shows that even shuffling around can lower your death risk by nearly half compared to couch potatoes. Imagine, a 4,000-step day still gets you some benefits! So, go ahead and begrudgingly take an extra stroll to the fridge. Just remember, sitting is the new smoking, and you’re a full-blown chimney.