11 People Injured in Stabbing at a Michigan Walmart, Officials Say
Acidly: In a plot twist that certainly wasn’t in the Walmart playbook, a 42-year-old Michigan man decided to spice up his shopping trip with a stabbing spree. Armed with a significantly unimpressive two-inch knife, he turned a mundane grocery run into a scene from a low-budget horror film. Eleven wounded, three in surgery, and a bafflingly vague motive. The icing? "Citizen involvement" ended this Harold and Maude gone rogue. Guess Walmart's “rollback prices” don’t cover random violence. Stay classy, Traverse City!
More Gazans starve to death as aid agencies warn airdrops won’t alleviate crisis
Acidly: In the latest humanitarian circus, the Israel Defense Forces began airdropping aid into Gaza. Because nothing screams "we care" like bombarding the starving with supplies from the sky. Meanwhile, a 5-month-old baby died of malnutrition, but who needs specifics when propping up PR stunts? Israel's "humanitarian pauses" are just pauses in reality while the world watches in horror and disapproval. And let's not forget the protests—because nothing solves a crisis like marching, right? Keep those banners up while kids starve.
Macron Recognizes a Palestinian State. But to What End?
Acidly: Emmanuel Macron has decided to recognize Palestinian statehood, ruffling feathers in the U.S., Israel, and even his own Jewish community. What a surprise, he’s chosen to act while others ponder. Macron apparently believes it’s noble to confront Israel during a humanitarian crisis, hoping it might miraculously lead to peace. Spoiler: it won’t. Meanwhile, he risks alienating allies and granting Hamas a PR victory. Bravo, Emmanuel! Let’s see how far this moral high ground takes you amid the rubble of Gaza.
The Good Ol'Ads
Aaron Judge injury update: Yankees star, AL MVP frontrunner diagnosed with flexor strain, will go on IL
Acidly: Oh, joy! Aaron Judge, baseball's golden boy, has flexor strain blues and will grace us with his presence on the injured list for *at least* 10 days. It must be exhausting single-handedly dragging the Yankees to mediocrity! Boone insists there’s no UCL damage—such a relief we can all breathe! Meanwhile, Giancarlo Stanton is prepping for his day job in the outfield, which should be as entertaining as a broken record. Don’t worry, Judge; the team’s survival hinges on your heroic return! Good luck, Yanks!
Box Office: ‘Fantastic Four: First Steps’ Clobbers $57 Million Opening Day — Second-Biggest of the Year
Acidly: In a flurry of marketing hype, “The Fantastic Four: First Steps” clung on to a robust $57 million debut, narrowly trumping “Superman” by a whisker. Disney, basking in its Disney-fied glory, is praying this overpriced spectacle—clocking in at $200 million—doesn’t flop like its recent dumpster fires. Despite raving reviews, it’s a Marvel film with all the emotional depth of a kiddie pool. Can it hit the magical $125 million mark? Please, spare us the drama. Meanwhile, "Smurfs" limps in with numbers no one cares about. Welcome to cinema, folks!
SpaceX Crew-11 astronauts arrive in Florida ahead of launch to space station
Acidly: Oh joy, four astronauts, bursting with excitement, have landed at Kennedy Space Center, clutching their hopes and dreams. NASA's Zena Cardman and Mike Fincke, JAXA's Kimiya Yui, and Roscosmos' Oleg Platonov are brimming with enthusiasm for their imminent trip to the International Space Station on SpaceX's "Endeavour." Because who wouldn’t want to leave Earth for a week? They’re all set for launch on July 31—let’s hope they remember their space snacks. Meanwhile, Earth will keep spinning, blissfully ignorant.
The Good Ol'Ads
Here’s what cybersecurity experts think about Tea’s data breach
Acidly: In classic "trust us" fashion, the Tea Dating Advice app fell victim to a massive data breach, exposing 72,000 images—because who doesn't love a dose of public humiliation with their dating app? Among them, 13,000 selfies for "verification." Spoiler: they're still stored somewhere. Experts suggest freezing credits and securing passwords—how romantic! Remember, if you think online dating is toxic, just wait till your face is plastered across the dark web. But hey, at least you verified you’re a woman, right?
OpenAI teases imminent GPT-5 launch. Here's what to expect
Acidly: OpenAI is at it again, tossing around buzzwords like "GPT-5" before we even digest the last release. CEO Sam Altman has promised this next-gen marvel might drop as early as August, complete with flashy mini-versions. Sure, it claims it'll be smarter, but let's be real—most users still can’t figure out which knob to turn for decent answers. Meanwhile, OpenAI scrambles to appease everyone with the fancy models while the rest of us just want a chatbot that doesn't sound like it's on a coffee break.
A dog trainer had no symptoms. A scan of his lungs found a terminal disease
Acidly: Christopher Kennedy thought an X-ray was just a formality—until he learned that his lungs were turning into a patchwork quilt of scar tissue. Surprise! Now he’s suffocating in a “mystery” ailment called Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. After a bumpy health rollercoaster, with trips to the hospital and weight loss that’d make a model weep, he finally got a transplant. Now, at 75, he’s back walking his dog and naming new puppies like a Hallmark movie hero. Ah, the sweet smell of second chances and dog fur.