Suspect in Traverse City Walmart Stabbing Attack Faces Terrorism Charge
Acidly: In a masterpiece of spontaneity, Bradford James Gille decided that a Michigan Walmart needed a bit of chaos, stabbing 11 shoppers with his trusty 3.5-inch folding knife—because why not? Now facing charges of terrorism (you know, for a bit of flair), he managed to injure folks aged 29 to 84 before being tackled by a hero with a pistol. Naturally, the Walmart spokesman found it “unacceptable.” Apparently, chaos in aisle five is where he draws the line. Meanwhile, Gille gets a lifetime supply of prison food. Bon appétit!
Israel Says It Has Paused Some Military Activity in Gaza as Anger Grows Over Hunger
Acidly: Israel decided to take a breather from slaughtering Palestinians to let in some aid, following international outrage and a hunger crisis that leaves folks searching for food like it’s a scavenger hunt. With nearly a third of Gaza's population starving, it’s charming to see Israel point fingers at the UN while playing a bureaucratic game that’s cost lives. Meanwhile, in a paradox of humanity, they kill civilians “just warning them.” What a tender, humanitarian approach. So, go ahead, enjoy your lentils, Gaza.
'The village will die' - Italy looks for answers to decline in number of babies
Acidly: In picturesque Fregona, Italy, the heartbeat of the community has dwindled down to four frail children—congratulations, you’re looking at the future of education there. The mayor's frantic attempts to lure families back include a minibus and extended school hours, as if that’ll do the trick. Meanwhile, the national birthrate is plummeting faster than an Italian espresso shot. Apparently, incentives like €1,000 are less inspiring than crèches and real support. Sounds like Italy's new motto should be, “Adopt a baby, or you’ll be sipping prosecco in solitude.”
The Good Ol'Ads
UEFA Women’s EURO 2025 final: England come from behind to beat Spain in penalty shootout - as it happened
Acidly: In the UEFA Women’s EURO 2025 final, England triumphed over Spain in a riveting yet torturous shootout, ending 3-1 on penalties. After a 1-1 draw, substitute Chloe Kelly strutted up like a runway model, confidently slamming the final penalty into the net. Spain’s Salma Paralluelo choked and dragged her kick wide, as their hopes crumbled faster than their defense. England's Lionesses, once again clutching the trophy, surely have their fingers crossed for a less nail-biting adventure next time.
American musical satirist Tom Lehrer dies at 97, US media report
Acidly: Tom Lehrer has shuffled off this mortal coil at 97, leaving behind a trail of darkly comic tunes that made even the pious squirm. From charmingly necrophiliac ballads to songs about poisoning pigeons, his genius is now in the public domain—because nothing screams “legacy” like relinquishing your rights. Lehrer charmed nightclubs and classrooms alike, having a laugh at nuclear war and the Vatican. We will indeed fry together in his name—perhaps with a side of irony.
Ancient DNA suggests ancestors of Estonians, Finns and Hungarians lived in Siberia 4,500 years ago
Acidly: Oh joy, more ancient DNA drama! Apparently, if you speak Hungarian, Finnish, or Estonian, you’re packing some serious Siberian ancestry thanks to a 4,500-year-old patrilineal band of merry men from the Altai Mountains. These genetic breadcrumbs hint at a connection, but good luck trying to correlate that with language. Spoilers: genetics and speech patterns don’t get along. Meanwhile, scholars are still pondering whether ancient folks were gabbing away in one language or throwing an incomprehensible multilingual rave. How quaint!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock Investors Expect Rally as Europe Clinches US Trade Deal
Acidly: In a shocking twist worthy of daytime soap operas, European stock futures decided to throw a party after the US and EU struck a trade deal. Sure, let’s celebrate a 15% hit on exports—because who doesn’t love paying more for autos? Trump and von der Leyen had their little chat, with her claiming everything was included—except, of course, for gold and the aspirin you need for that headache. Remember kids, nothing says camaraderie like a good ol’ tariff. Cheers to progress!
Itch.io is the latest marketplace to crack down on adult games
Acidly: In a stunning revelation of moral superiority, Itch.io has removed adult games after the ever-vigilant Collective Shout raised a ruckus over "No Mercy." Apparently, the cries against video game depravity caught the ears of payment giants like PayPal, forcing Itch.io to prioritize their greenbacks over questionable content. Talk about selling out. Adult creators are left high and dry, with their funds held hostage because—surprise!—playing by corporate rules means absolute control. That's progress, right?
Infection From Brain-Eating Amoeba Kills Boy in South Carolina
Acidly: In South Carolina, a 12-year-old boy, Jaysen Carr, passed on from a brain-eating amoeba he caught while swimming — because why swim in clear water when you can dive headfirst into a microscopic death trap? This not-so-friendly Naegleria fowleri loves warm freshwater, making summer lakes its buffet. Don’t worry, the odds of getting it are about as slim as winning the lottery, unless your swim turns into an impromptu sinus flush. Infections are rare, but death? Oh, that’s practically a guarantee. Cheers!