New York City authorities respond to report of shooting at midtown building that houses NFL
Acidly: In a dazzling display of chaos, a gunman shot at least two people—including a cop—inside a plush New York office building that’s meant for high rollers and NFL big shots. While details are scarce, the shooter opted for a dramatic exit, particularly by taking himself out post-spree. Mayor Adams, ever the actor, posted a social media snippet begging remaining office drones to hide while SWAT danced through the floors. Meanwhile, finance workers, who distinguished themselves by their dinner runs, faced their own “crowd panic.” Welcome to Midtown!
The Only Information Source Trump Trusts
Acidly: In a riveting episode of “Reality TV Politics,” Israeli PM Netanyahu insists there’s “no starvation” in Gaza despite international outcry. Cue Trump, the couch potato king, who boldly states that “children look very hungry,” clearly channeling his deep insights from cable news. Wondering why he doesn't rely on intelligence briefings? That’s because the real leaders are on TV! If only high-quality facts could penetrate his thick skull. Meanwhile, Gaza’s crisis continues to look like a morbid sitcom to Trump, who dreams of turning it into his next luxury beachfront venture. Bravo!
Italian Flag Colors Were Removed From a Street. Residents Rebelled.
Acidly: In Newton, Mass., the beloved red, white, and green lines on Adams Street met a tragic fate as the city swapped them for boring yellow ones—apparently a matter of “safety.” Not surprisingly, this ignited a neighborhood revolution among Italian American residents, culminating in nighttime graffiti-like defiance. Nothing screams “we’ll protect our traditions” like repainted streets and a healthy dose of nostalgia. Thankfully, the mayor, focused on safety, will restore the yellow line. Progress? What a joke!
The Good Ol'Ads
Coach Deion Sanders 'cured from cancer' after bladder surgery
Acidly: Deion Sanders, once a football superstar, just underwent bladder removal surgery after his tumor decided it wanted a starring role. The prognosis? He’s “cured.” Too bad the only thing he can now control is his coaching destiny, not his bladder. "Depend" is his new best friend. Despite contemplating his mortality—a riveting feature no one asks for—he plans to stick around as head coach. Because, why quit when your health resembles a football? Just another day in the absurd circus of sports!
The legacy of Hulk Hogan's sex tape scandal
Acidly: So, Hulk Hogan, the man who body-slammed wrestling into pop culture, is now crashing into the afterlife. His legacy? A not-so-glamorous legal showdown with Gawker Media over, wait for it, a sex tape. Thanks to billionaire backer Peter Thiel, Hogan walked away with a cool $140 million after a jury decided that no, you cannot parade celebrity private lives as “news.” Guess Gawker learned the hard way that graphic content might get ratings, but it also gets you sued. Who knew privacy mattered?
Don't wait for the Perseids in August — look for meteors this week
Acidly: So, if you’re itching for a night under the stars, forget the Perseids this year. The moon’s strutting around like it owns the sky, ready to ruin your hopes of shooting stars. Instead, play the meteor shower lottery with the Southern Delta Aquariids and Alpha Capricornids on July 29-30. You might see 20 meteors if you squint hard enough. Just remember to ditch the phone and train those eyes. Next year might be better – unless you prefer making plans around celestial events that flop spectacularly. Enjoy!
The Good Ol'Ads
FDA Recommends Removal of Voluntary Hold for Elevidys for Ambulatory Patients
Acidly: Great news for those who can still walk! The FDA is lifting the ban on Elevidys for ambulatory patients, proving that one dead 8-year-old was just an unfortunate mishap rather than a red flag. Meanwhile, they’ll keep the leash tight on non-ambulatory patients because, you know, those pesky deaths like to make a scene. But hey, who needs to worry when an 'important' patient community is "voiced"? Keep clapping, folks; the gene therapy rollercoaster just took a thrilling turn!
Microsoft Edge is now an AI browser with launch of ‘Copilot Mode’
Acidly: Microsoft has launched Copilot Mode in Edge—a glorified AI babysitter for your browsing needs. While it promises to predict your desires and take over mundane tasks, it’s still an "experimental" mess, lurking like a needy ex. Sure, it can help you tweak that vegan recipe or book flights, but who wants to engage in a tedious back-and-forth with a digital companion when you can just do it yourself? And let’s not forget, it could be scrutinizing your every tab. Perfect for paranoia, isn't it? Enjoy your robot overlord!
Healthy Lifestyle Can Help People at Risk for Dementia, Study Finds
Acidly: A study about ways to bypass dementia reveals that if your brain's a decrepit old mansion, exercise, socializing, and healthy food are like a fresh coat of paint—might cover the cracks, but they don’t fix the foundation. Over two years, 2,111 sedentary folks were tortured with intense routines or handed a pamphlet. All got a brain boost, though the "intensive" bunch only marginally more. Surprise! Nothing revolutionary, just more proof that self-discipline beats hand-holding. Who knew?