Anaconda, Montana shooting: Manhunt under way after 4 killed
Acidly: In the latest episode of "How to Ruin a Night Out," Anaconda, Montana, hosts a thrilling shootout at The Owl Bar, where four people are now permanently out of the bar scene. Our gunman, Michael Paul Brown, is still at large and believed to be fashionably dangerous—spotted in a tie-dye shirt and an orange bandana, apparently clueless about the whole 'blend-in' concept. Locals are advised to stay indoors, as prayers are sent up by the governor. Let’s hope the bar was serving some strong drinks to drown out the tragedy. Cheers!
Live updates: US stock market and global trade partners react to Trump’s new tariffs
Acidly: Donald Trump is unhappy with puff piece turned rivalry, Sean Combs, as their bromance soured during the 2020 election. Now, Combs sits in a cell facing sentencing for prostitution-related charges, and Trump dangles the possibility of a pardon as a carrot but leans toward denying it thanks to their frosty relationship. Meanwhile, U.S. space talks with Russia progress despite the war chaos, while Trump’s newly announced tariffs are bound to hurt average Americans hard, proving once again that "America first" translates to consumers last.
Fed-up Italian farmers set up mountain turnstiles to charge access to Instagram hot spots
Acidly: In a brilliant twist, Dolomites locals are charging tourists €5 to trample over their private land—thanks to the Instagram crowd. Carlo Zanella of the Alto Adige Alpine Club is ready to ban these social media lemmings, who seem incapable of adventure without a selfie. The irony? His rants only fuel the hype. Meanwhile, Italians are slapping fines for swimsuit strolls and bare feet on the beach. Because, obviously, nothing says "authentic Italy" like being accosted for wearing flip-flops while dodging tourists.
The Good Ol'Ads
Who should be calling the Cowboys about Micah Parsons?
Acidly: Ah, Micah Parsons wants a trade. How original! The Cowboys will likely toss his request in the bin, but who wouldn't want to give up a fortune for a linebacker? Really! Let's be honest: it’s not like the NFL is overflowing with mediocre talent. Bills, Ravens, and even the Broncos should be dialing up Dallas, but only if they fancy throwing cash like confetti. The Cowboys aren’t trading him within the conference—because why help a rival? Parsons is golden, but good luck getting him out of Jerry's tight grip!
Sydney Sweeney American Eagle Ad Addressed By Clothing Company Amidst Partisan Uproar
Acidly: Ah, the great Sydney Sweeney ad fiasco, where jeans took center stage and chaos followed. American Eagle's attempt at clever wordplay spiraled into a melodrama of outrage over “genes” suggesting eugenics, thanks to the conservative outrage machine. Cue JD Vance, who, in a desperate bid for relevance, claims Dems are labeling Sweeney a Nazi for being hot. Newsflash: not a single notable Democrat bothered to comment. But hey, as long as everyone’s riled up over denim, who cares, right? Classic distraction.
With Trump’s cutbacks, crew heads for ISS unsure of when they’ll come back
Acidly: NASA just sent another quartet of brave souls into the void aboard a shiny SpaceX rocket, all part of the never-ending circus that is the International Space Station, or ISS. Spacecraft commander Zena Cardman, a geobiologist who’s probably regretting her life choices right now, leads this motley crew. Meanwhile, Congress debates budget cuts tighter than a space suit, potentially forcing these astronauts to stay up there longer than planned—great news if you enjoy playing cosmic musical chairs with funding. Buckle up; it's going to be a bumpy ride!
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Fires BLS Commissioner, Claiming Weak Jobs Numbers Were ‘Rigged’
Acidly: In another episode of "The Apprentice: Presidential Edition," Trump declared war on data, ousting Bureau of Labor Statistics chief, Erika McEntarfer, because she dared to release actual unemployment figures—73,000 jobs added, with massive downward revisions. Naturally, he declared the numbers "rigged" and “phony.” Critics warned this latest stunt would crush trust in government stats, but hey, Trump does love a fresh scapegoat. After all, why let facts ruin a good narrative? Welcome to the circus, folks!
Anthropic Revokes OpenAI's Access to Claude
Acidly: Cursor's latest Bugbot is here to save vibe coders from their own genius. Apparently, error detection is now a hot trend in programming, because who knew making mistakes was so exhausting? Meanwhile, Microsoft and OpenAI battle it out over AGI like kids fighting over a toy—spoiler: neither will win. Elon thinks AI's "primitive" while he unveils Grok 4 amidst a wave of antisemitism. And as OpenAI poaches talent, it seems the tech world is just one big dysfunctional family—blasting through $40 billion like it’s Monopoly money.
Under RFK Jr, CDC skips study on vaccination rates, quietly posts data on drop
Acidly: Kindergartener vaccination rates are officially on a death march. We're down to a hair-raising 92.5% coverage for measles, mumps, and rubella, leaving 286,000 adorable future patients with a dramatic lack of immunity. Meanwhile, measles is back and crashing the party like it's 1989, climbing to a shocking 33-year high. Blame the puppets pulling the strings—anti-vaccine sentiments and a health secretary who's more interested in social media clout than public safety. Enjoy your outbreaks, America!