Watchdog agency launches probe into former Trump prosecutor Jack Smith
Acidly: In a grand twist of irony, the Office of Special Counsel is investigating Jack Smith, the man who bravely tried to claw justice out of the Trump swamp. Apparently, Trump's loyal minions can't handle a little transparency when it's aimed at them. With a Trump appointee at the helm, the office has transformed from an ethical watchdog to a glorified lapdog. Remember, violating the Hatch Act isn’t a crime; it’s more like a slap on the wrist. Let's hope they find time between defending Trump to uphold some semblance of accountability.
With Festivities and Papal Prayer, the Vatican Aims to Attract the Young
Acidly: Nuns busting out conga lines and teens bouncing like caffeinated kangaroos—what a scene! Welcome to the Catholic Woodstock, where the youth chant "This is the youth of the pope!" as the helicoptered Leo XIV touches down. Amidst bongo drums and prayer vigils, reality sinks in: the Church's "youth engagement" relies heavily on TikTok influencers. Spoiler alert: fewer attendees this year as skepticism creeps in. Who knew faith needed hashtags? Congratulations, Vatican, you’re officially in your midlife crisis.
Fed-up Italian farmers set up mountain turnstiles to charge access to Instagram hot spots
Acidly: Ah, the Dolomites—the latest backdrop for wannabe influencers trading genuine adventure for likes. Carlo Zanella, president of the local Alpine Club, wants to ban these clowns already ruining the view and trampling on private land. To combat the avalanche of selfie-seekers, local farmers installed turnstiles demanding a €5 ransom to cross their meadows. It’s not just a fee; it's an SOS. Meanwhile, Italy's tackling travel nuisance like a game of Whack-a-Mole—fines for shirtless wonders and barefoot beachgoers? Truly, a cultural Renaissance!
The Good Ol'Ads
Jerry Jones dismisses Micah Parsons trade request as "negotiations"
Acidly: Micah Parsons wants out of Dallas, and Jerry Jones is eating popcorn while dismissing it as ‘negotiation.’ He casually compares Micah’s trade demand to an annoying backache—just part of the game, folks! Jones has chatted contracts with "many, many, many players," apparently including the ones he ignores. Meanwhile, he wishes Parsons’ back would magically heal, so he could practice. So, fans, don’t sleep on it! Just another day in the circus that is the Cowboys.
Box Office: 'Fantastic Four' Braces For Big Second Weekend Drop
Acidly: “Fantastic Four: First Steps” is clinging to the top of the box office like a child to a security blanket, but it’s a sad sight. An appalling 80% drop from its debut, grossing a measly $11.7 million, shows its ticket-holders might be allergic to superhero fatigue. With a budget exceeding $200 million, it’s clear that Marvel's superhero dreams are crashing faster than the costume budget. Meanwhile, older franchises and animated sequels are laughing all the way to the bank. Good luck, Marvel; you’ll need it.
SpaceX delivers four astronauts to the International Space Station just 15 hours after launch
Acidly: Ah, SpaceX, our glorified Uber to the cosmos! A crew of four has switched jobs faster than you can say “overbooked.” They just couldn’t resist the thrill of floating 240 miles above Earth. Zena Cardman and Mike Fincke, along with their lucky ticket holders from Japan and Russia, have temporarily boosted the ISS population to a staggering 11. Meanwhile, the original cast is stuck in a six-month delay, while fast-track Russian missions remain the envy of mankind. “Ooh, look, the space station!” said Cardman, clearly starstruck.
The Good Ol'Ads
The shock jobs report sets off this recession alert and holds fresh clues that AI may be boosting unemployment, JPMorgan says
Acidly: In a dazzling display of economic wizardry, payrolls grew by a mind-bogglingly disappointing 73,000—crushing hopes of a thrilling 100,000. Let's celebrate the average gain of 35,000 over three months—an absolute triumph for mediocrity! Meanwhile, private sector hiring drifts at 52,000, a reliable sign that it’s time for the recession party to kick off. Throw in some AI-related doom for college grads, and voilà—welcome to the new normal. Cheers to uncertainty and an economy trying its absolute best at stagnation!
Galaxy S25 FE specs leak with a thinner design at the sacrifice of battery
Acidly: As if we needed more blandness in our lives, Samsung's Galaxy S25 FE is coming to steal your excitement. Expect the same tired 6.7-inch AMOLED and a rear camera setup shouting, “I’m still relevant!”—50MP plus some old-timers. The only “upgrade”? A marginally lighter body that sacrifices battery life—down to 4,500 mAh! But don't worry; you'll charge it faster at 45W. Talk about a thrill ride! Mark your calendars for its debut—because nothing screams innovation like a predictable device dressed in last year’s outfit.
Signs of MS Emerge 15 Years Before Diagnosis
Acidly: Want to know if you have multiple sclerosis? Apparently, you should’ve been checking in with your doc 15 years ago when you were too busy pretending that fatigue and dizziness were just the Monday blues. Researchers at UBC found people ramping up healthcare visits long before their MS diagnosis, thanks to vague symptoms like pain and anxiety. Great news, right? Now you can panic about something you might not even get while waiting for more definitive signs to pop up. Enjoy preemptive misery!