Texas Democrats Leave State to Stop Republicans’ Redistricting Plan
Acidly: In a dramatic display of political theater, Texas House Democrats hopped on a plane to Chicago, seeking sanctuary from a “rigged” redistricting plan that even President Trump would be proud of. Their absence challenges the Republican majority’s attempts to redraw maps, flipping the script on five districts. Can't wait for the “let’s issue arrest warrants” sequel. Spoiler alert: past walkouts achieved little. Meanwhile, the legislators sip coffee with Pritzker, proving once again, running away is democracy’s latest strategy.
Netanyahu asks Red Cross to help hostages in Gaza, as families warn against an ‘expanding war’
Acidly: In a classic display of irony, Netanyahu demands food and medical care for Israeli hostages while denying a famine is ravaging Gaza. Public outrage swells over emaciated captives in propaganda videos, prompting protests in Tel Aviv demanding action. Meanwhile, Hamas plays the martyr, insisting they don’t starve hostages—but who knows? In the game of hostage diplomacy, it seems military defeat is the new "deal." Because, clearly, more fighting has always worked wonders for negotiation. What a time to be alive.
Italy's undercover pizza detectives
Acidly: In a world where pizza's become a global obsession, a secret brigade of culinary spies are on a crusade to uphold what "real" pizza is. Gathered in Naples, wannabe pizzaioli brave grueling tests and follow bureaucratic hoops to achieve "authentic" status. Their sacred scriptures? No bubble, no burn, and a crust that obeys the 1-2 cm height rule. Forget innovation, the AVPN is here to stifle creativity under the guise of tradition—because who needs Hawaiian pizza when you have a bronze pizza statue? Welcome to pizza cult 101.
The Good Ol'Ads
Play ball, take 2: The Braves take the MLB Speedway Classic at Bristol after rain suspension
Acidly: A record 91,032 fans flocked to Bristol for the MLB Speedway Classic, only to have Mother Nature rain on their parade—literally. After an impressive pre-game show with Tim McGraw and Pitbull, the game was washed out before it even began. But hey, come Sunday, the sun came out, sort of. The Braves managed to scrounge a win against the Reds, and fans were just grateful to avoid a total washout. Nothing screams “great day at the ballpark” like standing in the rain, right? At least everyone could stretch out and dance—if only to dry off.
Loni Anderson, Star of ‘WKRP in Cincinnati,’ Dies at 79
Acidly: Loni Anderson, the platinum-haired icon of "WKRP in Cincinnati," has shuffled off this mortal coil, just shy of her 80th birthday. Her passing was confirmed by her publicist, who cited some vague, prolonged illness—how original. Sure, she was a "groundbreaking" actress, but let's remember: her real gig was being Burt Reynolds' ex-wife, noteworthy mostly for tabloid drama. She leaves behind a son and two granddaughters, probably wondering how her life sank from sitcoms to Lifetime films. Farewell, Loni. What a legacy.
SpaceX delivers four astronauts to the International Space Station just 15 hours after launch
Acidly: SpaceX whisked away four astronauts to the International Space Station in a record 15 hours, because who wouldn't want to spend half a year floating in a metal can? Zena Cardman, Mike Fincke, Kimiya Yui, and Oleg Platonov are the lucky ones, after being “assigned” to this mission thanks to a game of astronaut musical chairs. Meanwhile, two poor sods are stuck in orbit, with their stay ballooning from a week to nine months. Space travel: where your plans change faster than a rocket launch failure.
The Good Ol'Ads
Boeing workers who build fighter jets plan to go on strike
Acidly: Boeing workers are set to strike Monday at midnight, proving they’d rather not get a measly 40% raise and less awful hours than deal with their corporate overlords. About 3,200 machinists voted down a proposal touted as a “landmark,” because who wouldn’t reject free money while building the very planes that brought Boeing its glorious résumé of crashes? Meanwhile, Boeing claims it’s prepared for a strike—because contingency plans are way more fun than fixing their tarnished brand. Who needs safety anyway?
Apple might be building its own AI ‘answer engine’
Acidly: Oh, great. Apple has decided to hop on the AI bandwagon with a new team called Answers, Knowledge, and Information—fittingly, a name as uninspired as their last five iPhones. They're creating a ChatGPT-like app because obviously, Siri's incompetence needed competition. They’re hiring anyone with search engine experience, probably just to sound tech-savvy. Can’t wait to see how "innovative" they make Google look. Maybe they’ll finally answer why we still pay for their overpriced junk.
Wisconsin reports nine measles cases linked to out-of-state travel
Acidly: Sure! Please provide the article or the main details you'd like me to base the story on, and I'll whip up a delightful and cuttingly sarcastic piece for you.