Netanyahu to urge ‘full conquest’ of Gaza as ceasefire talks reach an impasse

With Democrats Gone, a Texas Gerrymander Is Stymied for Now

Acidly: In a chaotic display of political theater, Texas Democrats fled to avoid Abbott's redistricting scheme, unwittingly turning a state meeting into a farce. While Gov. Hochul cheered them on from New York, the Texas House convened for a measly nine minutes, with Abbott promising legal warfare and arrest warrants. Meanwhile, the MIA Democrats camped in Illinois, feasting while claiming they were fighting for democracy. It's the ultimate political getaway—who knew legislative duties included extended vacations?

Netanyahu to urge ‘full conquest’ of Gaza as ceasefire talks reach an impasse

Acidly: In the never-ending circus of Gaza, Netanyahu is gearing up to play the "full conquest" card while Hamas insists on some humanitarian concerns before resuming talks. Meanwhile, hostages are being used as pawns, making their already grim situation worse. Mothers of soldiers are crying foul, claiming the proposed military ramp-up could be fatal. Trump’s envoy dreams of a “less war, more hostages” strategy but, surprise surprise, it's still all chaos. Who knew fixing a humanitarian crisis could be this complicated?

Fed-up Italian farmers set up mountain turnstiles to charge access to Instagram hot spots

Acidly: Ah, the Dolomites—the Instagram playground gone rogue. Carlo Zanella, head of the Alto Adige Alpine Club, suggests kicking travel influencers off the mountains to save us from the masses trampling on private land for that coveted selfie. Farmers now charge a €5 entrance fee to deal with the influx of tourists who consider flip-flops mountain attire. Meanwhile, local authorities shake their heads, claiming the litter issue isn't as bad as you think. Welcome to Italy, where you can now be fined for looking too good in a swimsuit—or just existing.

The Good Ol'Ads

The Micah Parsons Mess Is Jerry Jones’s Latest Act of Self-Sabotage

Acidly: Welcome to Jerry Jones’s circus, where every August, he revives the aging tradition of contract disasters. This year’s headliner? Micah Parsons, a Pro Bowl defensive end stuck in limbo while Jones flirts with self-sabotage. Parsons wants out, but the Cowboys have mastered the art of negotiation-by-avoiding-it. He’s at training camp, back injury and all, while Jones rambles about “leadership” as if he’s planning a family vacation. Meanwhile, $40 million contracts float by, and the Cowboys continue their decades-long game of “Who Can We Alienate Next?” Bravo, Jerry!

American Eagle Stock Jumps 23% After Trump Praises Controversial Sydney Sweeney Ad

Acidly: American Eagle's stock “soared” thanks to former President Trump drooling over Sydney Sweeney's ad, which hints at eugenics, or as some conservatives call it, a bold stand against being “woke.” Sweeney mused about “jeans” and “genes” while flaunting her blonde locks and blue eyes, igniting outrage. Critics saw white supremacy lurking; supporters from the GOP cheered her on. Meanwhile, the company insists it’s all about the jeans, not Sweeney’s story. Right, because who doesn’t love a little controversy for profit?

Culprit behind mass sea star deaths along Pacific coast revealed, scientists say

Acidly: In some shocking news, scientists finally cracked the code to why over 5 billion sea stars decided to drop dead on the Pacific coast. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t a midlife crisis, but a band of bacteria crashing their party. After a decade of chasing wild goose chases, researchers stumbled upon a villain hiding in coelomic fluid—sounds fancy, huh? Now, they’re scrambling to save the few remaining sea stars, hoping to not just salvage them but also revive kelp forests. Talk about a messy ocean relationship!

The Good Ol'Ads

Palantir tops $1 billion in revenue for the first time, boosts guidance

Acidly: Palantir just flexed on Wall Street, smashing the $1 billion quarterly revenue milestone—way ahead of schedule. Shares enjoyed a 3% bump for this "miracle." CEO Karp boasts about boosting revenue while slashing jobs—because who doesn't love a good paradox? A 68% revenue spike from U.S. sales makes one wonder how many good people will be tossed aside in the name of "efficiency." With a $10 billion Army contract in tow, it seems Palantir's drive for profits knows no bounds—or decency. Cheers to capitalism!

Google Pixel 10 ‘Soon’ teaser goes hard on iPhone’s AI Siri delays [Video]

Acidly: In a desperate bid to dethrone Apple, Google unleashes a "Soon" ad for the Pixel 10, set to Dr. Dre's beats—because nothing screams innovation like a borrowed soundtrack. At least Google can ship their phones while Apple’s Siri upgrades twiddle their thumbs in 2026. The ad mocks Apple’s delays, suggesting if "soon" is more than a year, just switch devices. With a tagline like “Ask more of your phone,” it’s clear: You’ll need it, because your current one is stuck in the stone age. Welcome to the future!

More early stage colon cancers found in people aged 45-49 due to more screenings, research shows

Acidly: Great news, folks! More adults aged 45-49 are opting for colon cancer screenings, likely because they finally realized their digestive woes need attention. Thanks to lowered guidelines in 2018 and 2021, we're seeing a dazzling 62% increase in screenings from 2019 to 2023. Elizabeth Schafer is thrilled, claiming this is "promising." Meanwhile, others warn that access remains a royal mess. And let’s not forget HHS Secretary Kennedy may axe the advisory panel, potentially making America the sickest nation on Earth. How inspiring!