Greg Abbott files lawsuit to remove House Democratic Caucus chair in redistricting standoff
Acidly: Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, clearly bored, took a page from a toddler's playbook, filing a temper tantrum with the Supreme Court to oust state Rep. Gene Wu for fleeing to Illinois. Abbott claims Wu ditched his duties to stop a gerrymandering scheme. Wu, ever the melodramatic hero, countered that he was defending democracy, not sulking. Meanwhile, Trump suggested FBI intervention, because nothing says "democracy" like dragging politicians into a game of hide-and-seek. Welcome to Texas, where governance is one big circus.
NATO to coordinate regular and large-scale arm deliveries to Ukraine. Most will be bought in the US
Acidly: In an impressive display of unity, NATO is playing Santa Claus, loading up Ukraine with a hefty €500M worth of military goodies from the Netherlands. Sweden and its Nordic pals are pitching in another $500M for air defenses and other toys, most courtesy of Uncle Sam. All this firepower comes just in time as Russia continues its urban demolition derby, racking up civilian casualties. Meanwhile, Trump insists he's not sending weapons, just letting Europe "handle its own mess." Fantastic leadership there!
Fed-up Italian farmers set up mountain turnstiles to charge access to Instagram hot spots
Acidly: In a desperate cry for sanity, Carlo Zanella wants to kick travel influencers out of Italy's Dolomites. Thanks to their obsession with the 'perfect' Instagram pic, tourists have overwhelmed pristine landscapes, trampling private land like clueless sheep. Turnstiles now charge a fee to enter these 'Instagrammable' spots, but good luck to those who think a few euros will deter thousands snapping selfies. Meanwhile, locals are left picking up the trash while authorities sit back, sipping espresso and doing absolutely nothing.
The Good Ol'Ads
NFL suspends Jordan Addison for the first three games of the season
Acidly: Vikings wideout Jordan Addison must be thrilled to swap game days for classroom webinars. He secured a three-game suspension for his DUI plea, allowing the NFL to flex its muscle while he enjoys his “wet reckless” conviction. Imagine, a three-week break from the NFL grind after two online courses! Meanwhile, with Justin Jefferson nursing his hamstring, Minnesota’s dream season begins with a receiving corps thinner than their playoff hopes. Can’t wait to see what they’ll come up with—fingers crossed for a miracle!
‘Freakier Friday’ Review: Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis Reunite for a Sequel That Kicks Up the Body-Swap Complications but Not the Comedy
Acidly: "Freakier Friday" attempts to revive the body-swap trope with Lohan and her kiddo facing teenage drama, but what a flop. Lohan's girlish charm clashes with over-precocious Zoomer Butters, which makes their swap utterly uninspiring. As for Lily and Grandma Tess, the British accent surely didn't come with the body—welcome to lazy comedy hell. Despite predictable, touching moments peppered throughout, the humor remains elusive. It’s sweet, but not the magic we wanted; think more Disney mush than laugh-out-loud chaos. Total snooze.
Gorillas seek out old female friends when they move
Acidly: Gorillas: nature’s touchy-feely socialites. New research suggests these mountain giants have a knack for picking female friends over genetic risks. So, when a newcomer lumbers into a group, she hunts down an old pal from years past. While scientists can't quite call it "friendship" (how scandalous!), they found that these old bonds are the backbone of gorilla society, proving that even in the jungle, who you know trumps who you're related to. Imagine if we humans took notes—and ditched our awful family reunions.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump says JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America rejected him as a customer
Acidly: In the latest saga of Trumpian woes, the ex-president claims JPMorgan and Bank of America turned him away like a toddler in a candy store. Apparently, they reek of political persecution against the ‘conservative elite,’ or so he suggests—while dragging his millions through little banks like a rich vagabond. Meanwhile, stocks dipped, and banks posture about "not closing accounts for political reasons." But hey, who doesn't love a good drama when it involves banks, politics, and a touch of Trump victimhood? Stay tuned!
Motorola and Swarovski team up for a super fancy Razr
Acidly: Ah, the Pantone Ice Melt Razr, because nothing screams "fashion icon" like a retro flip phone decked out in crystals. For a mere $1,000, you can flaunt a device that’s part phone, part jewelry box. Who needs functionality when you have 35 hand-placed crystals? The specs? Oh, those remain mediocre – same tiny displays and mediocre battery. But hey, it comes with "free" Moto Buds that look like they're auditioning for a jewelry show. Can't wait for the next "brilliant" attempt at selling nostalgia!
Flesh-eating bacteria cases rare but rising: What you need to know heading to NC's coast
Acidly: In the latest charming episode of "You Can't Fix Stupid," a North Carolina man is battling the ever-so-pleasant Vibrio Vulnificus, a flesh-eating bacterium. Who knew that a relaxing plunge in brackish waters could land you in the ICU for being a water-happy buffoon? Apparently, a hefty 1 in 5 die from this delightful infection. So, enjoy those raw oysters, but don’t forget: the beach is a risky playground! Just wash your wounds, cover your cuts, and maybe reconsider your life choices. Cheers to summer!