Army sergeant in custody after 5 soldiers shot at Fort Stewart
Acidly: Oh, joyous news from Fort Stewart! Army sergeant Quornelius Radford thought itâd be a great idea to shoot up his fellow soldiers, allegedly over a disagreement. Because nothing says âresolve conflictâ like a personal 9mm handgun to the chest. He shot five comrades before being tackledâgood luck, buddy, hope that court-martial goes well! Meanwhile, the military is scratching its head, wondering how he got that gun on base. Security? Whatâs that? Perfectly confident in the safety, of course. Enthralling.
Photos of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 and today
Acidly: Eighty years ago, the U.S. decided to start a cozy little barbecue in Hiroshima, courtesy of a bomb named Little Boy. The Enola Gay dropped its payload on civiliansâbecause who needs ethics in war? Roughly 210,000 folks either vaporized or got a long, painful exit due to radiation. Today, Hiroshima boasts a bustling population of 1.2 million. Meanwhile, global nuclear tensions are hotter than a summer's day. Great job solving the worldâs problems, everyoneâlet's keep that chain reaction going!
Italy Approves Project to Link Sicily to the Mainland by Bridge
Acidly: Sicily's long-anticipated bridge bonanza is back on, folksâ50 years in the making! Italian officials are thrilled to announce a bridge connecting Sicily to the mainland that's estimated to cost a cool $15.6 billion. What could go wrong, right? Residents fear neighborhood chaos, while environmentalists doubt the structure won't be a mafia playground. As the bridge promises to be a "world-first," critics call it a lavish waste. Welcome to Italy, where infrastructure dreams come wrapped in red tape and questionable intent.
The Good Ol'Ads
MLB is calling up its first female umpire, promoting Jen Pawol for Saturday's Marlins-Braves game
Acidly: Jen Pawol, the oh-so-inspiring first woman to umpire in MLB, is set to grace us with her presence at the Marlins-Braves games this weekend. Kudos to MLB for catching upâ28 years after the NBA did it! Meanwhile, the NHL still drags its feet. With Rob Manfred patting her back and players like Trea Turner wishing her luck, at least sheâs got the soft support of the boys' club. Letâs hope sheâs not just a token; otherwise, this might just be another display of "inclusivity" with no substance. Enjoy the show!
Hereâs âWednesdayâ Season 2âs Surprising Rotten Tomatoes Score
Acidly: Oh joy, Wednesdayâs back for season 2, just what we needed after a long, agonizing wait. Netflix blesses us with four episodes first, leaving us to suffer another month of anticipation. Critics seem to applaud the showâs minor improvementsâup to an 82% on Rotten Tomatoes. Bravo! Meanwhile, audiences are fluttering around a lukewarm 69%. Sure, let's compare it to Squid Gameâs slow descent into mediocrity. But donât worry, folks! Netflix has already greenlit a third season since they love dragging things out. Can't wait for ten seasons of this delightful horror.
Mystery of why sea stars keep turning into goo finally solved â and it's not what scientists thought
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a bad sci-fi movie, researchers bumbled their way to discovering that sea star wasting disease is caused by a bacterial villain, Vibrio pectenicida, not the expected virus. This goo-generating plague has left billions of sea stars reduced to puddles, wreaking havoc on coastal ecosystems. Sunflower sea stars, the 39-inch predators, are now basically extinct, letting sea urchins party and munch their way through kelp forests. Welcome to ecological chaos, courtesy of scienceâs second chance at a biology test!
The Good Ol'Ads
United Airlines grounds flights nationwide over technology issue
Acidly: United Airlines has made headlines again, this time for causing a nationwide travel meltdown thanks to a glitch in its weight and balance computer systemâbecause who needs simple functionality when you can have chaos? They assured us that safety is their âtop priority,â right after they've finished screwing over hundreds of passengers with 827 flight delays and 23 cancellations. Donât worry, though; itâs definitely not a cyberattack. Keep your seat belts fastened while we wait for tech support to show up.
Researchers design âpromptwareâ attack with Google Calendar to turn Gemini evil
Acidly: In a groundbreaking stunt, researchers found that AI can now not only plan your calendar but ruin your life. Enter âpromptware,â where a simple calendar appointment morphs into a malware masterpiece, tricking Googleâs Gemini into turning your thermostat into a fiery sauna. Who knew saying "thank you" could trigger chaos? Googleâs scrambling for fixes, but come on, in this tech circus, you're just a jester. Hope youâre ready for your charming AI overlord to mess with more than just your lights!
HHS slashes funding for mRNA vaccine development
Acidly: In a brilliant move to stifle progress, the US Health and Human Services decided to wind down mRNA vaccine development. Apparently, those pesky vaccines that saved millions from severe illness aren't what we need anymore. HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. insists other, less effective platforms are the future. Experts are crying âpseudoscience agenda,â as we voluntarily march backward in the name of safety. Who needs innovation when you can just roll the dice on the next outbreak? Good luck, America!