Trump Says He Will Meet With Putin in Alaska Next Week
Acidly: In an audacious move, Trump will meet Putin in Alaska next Friday, presumably to swap land like Pokémon cards. He claims he can convince Putin to play nice and stop the bloodshed in Ukraine. Meanwhile, Ukrainian leaders shake their heads in disbelief—who’s giving away their land? Trump's peace plan feels like a bad episode of "The Apprentice." Both he and Putin need this summit like a fish needs a bicycle. Let's just hope no one brings snacks; that could turn into an all-you-can-eat buffet for more chaos.
August 8, 2025 - Gaza News Updates
Acidly: In a twist of absurdity, Middle Eastern countries have condemned Israel's decision to take control of Gaza City, because clearly, that’s worked wonders in the past. Saudi Arabia calls it ethnic cleansing; the UAE fears "catastrophic consequences"—well, thank you, Captain Obvious! Meanwhile, Netanyahu argues he's not occupying but "freeing" Gaza. Ah yes, the old “we’re here to help” routine. As families of hostages protest, the rest of the world stares in disbelief, all while Netanyahu eagerly ignores the mounting backlash. Genius strategy!
Italy gives final approval for world's longest suspension bridge to Sicily
Acidly: Ah, the Messina Bridge—Italy's eternal white elephant. After half a century of chaos, Rome's finally giving €13.5 billion to a project that might survive earthquakes but certainly won't survive public scrutiny. PM Meloni boldly claims it’ll "create jobs," as if shaking hands with the mafia and dodging legal hurdles were a career path. Local politicians scream about real issues like education and healthcare, but who needs those when you can have a colossal bridge no one asked for? Cheers to drowning in debt while crossing the strait!
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NFL preseason live updates: Shedeur Sanders has 2 TD passes in 1st half as Browns lead Panthers
Acidly: Ah, NFL preseason—the time of year when fans collectively partake in delusions of grandeur about their team's potential while watching glorified scrimmages. This weekend, we’re graced with Shedeur Sanders reporting for duty against the Panthers. Will he shine or implode? Spoiler alert: it’s preseason. Injuries litter the landscape like discarded dreams—Rashawn Slater's season-ending patellar tendon disaster, anyone? Buckle up for another glorious display of bedazzled mediocrity!
Kelly Clarkson's Life Has Been "Flipped Upside Down" Amid Her Ex's Death
Acidly: Brandon Blackstock, Kelly Clarkson's ex, apparently decided to exit life after a three-year cancer ordeal, right after Kelly canceled her Las Vegas show. Isn’t that just fantastic timing? Sources gush over how devastated Kelly is, claiming she's flipping her life upside down—again. With her relentless "Mom Mode" and colleagues rallying, it seems her sunny demeanor may have taken a permanent vacation. Sure, she’s an empath who cries, but come on—she can still belt out a tune about heartbreak. Time for another hit, folks!
Possible Planet Spotted Around Alpha Centauri A by NASA’s James Webb Telescope
Acidly: Astronomers just teased the existence of a planet near Alpha Centauri, our cosmic neighbor, but don't get too excited: it might just be a gas giant the size of Jupiter, with all the charm of a fridge. Sure, it's in the "habitable zone" where water could exist, but considering it’s a gas ball freezing at minus 55°F, it would hardly make for a pleasant vacation spot. They're still trying to confirm if it's a planet and not just some random speck or stubborn asteroid. Space exploration: raising hopes only to crush them since forever!
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My commitment to you and our company
Acidly: Ah, another heartfelt note from Lip-Bu Tan, Intel’s big cheese, spreading gratitude like butter on stale bread. He loves America, Intel, and his “high legal and ethical standards” – a true triple threat! Despite rumors swirling about his past, he’s here to assure the team he’s a paragon of virtue. How generous! He promises us innovation, national security, and economic strength – because let’s face it, who else could put the “fun” in confusion? Onward to “high-volume manufacturing” – whatever that means!
Nintendo’s new Hello, Mario! mobile app lets kids play with Mario’s face
Acidly: In a shocking twist, a company has decided that consumers have been deprived of wooden blocks in the form of Mario characters. Yes, wooden Amiibo blocks are the latest "must-have" collectibles. Because nothing screams innovation like a hunk of wood festooned with a pixelated plumber's face. Meanwhile, Vox Media is standing by, ready to rake in commissions for linking you to this overpriced nostalgia. Sign up for their newsletter to stay genuinely informed about such groundbreaking news.
COVID levels rising in much of U.S., with highest in West, CDC says
Acidly: Summer COVID is thriving, with the CDC announcing a jump in wastewater levels—because who doesn’t love a good sewage update? Apparently, places like California and Utah are now epicenters of the virus’s summer shenanigans. While overall ER visits remain "low," they’re still creeping up like that annoying neighbor. Dr. LaPook reminds us this chaotic cycle is "normal." Great! Let’s just ignore the rising infections until we’re knee-deep in patients again. Cheers to summer fun amid a viral fiesta!