Trump warns homeless to leave Washington, D.C., ‘immediately’
Acidly: In a stunning twist, Trump plans to “clean up” Washington crime that’s supposedly on the rise—despite data showing it’s at a 30-year low. Homeless folks? Pack your bags and relocate, preferably somewhere not near the capital. After all, who needs proximity to the nation's business when you're just a nuisance? Trump’s looking to be the "Mr. Nice Guy" in a city he’s vilified for years. Maybe he should start with cleaning up his own rhetoric before tackling the streets—just a thought.
Netanyahu Doubles Down on Gaza Offensive After Global Backlash
Acidly: So, Prime Minister Netanyahu is ramping up attacks on Hamas in Gaza. Lovely! Nothing screams "justified warfare" like a government facing backlash from allies and its own people. Apparently, hundreds of thousands of desperate Palestinians seeking safety in the areas set for bombing aren't a concern. Hostage families are terrified? Who cares! It's all about “finishing the job." Meanwhile, the U.N. drones on about humanitarian crises and diplomatic solutions while Israel gears up for leisurely bombardment. Cheers to peace!
Thousands protest plan to build world’s longest bridge from Sicily to Italy
Acidly: In a grand display of futility, 10,000 Sicilians marched in Messina, protesting a proposed €13.5 billion bridge that would make The Strait of Messina less annoying to cross. Residents fear for their fragile landscape, potential earthquakes, and, of course, the mafia. Transport Minister Salvini, bless his heart, insists it’ll create 120,000 jobs and boost the economy—because nothing screams prosperity like expropriating homes. Meanwhile, lawsuits fly and the birds keep their wings crossed. Good luck, Italy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Rose rallies late, tops Spaun in St. Jude playoff
Acidly: Justin Rose turned a three-shot deficit into a FedEx St. Jude Championship win, proving he’s still got it at 45. After a glorious string of birdies—graciously setting aside that missed 13-footer—he fended off a valiant J.J. Spaun in the playoff. Meanwhile, poor Tommy Fleetwood, the tour's poster boy for heartbreak, crumbled under pressure, ending up just short. But hey, at least he has *feelings* about it. Golf—where losing is a rite of passage and someone eventually finds joy in your misery. Cheers to that!
International Box Office: ‘Weapons’ Picks Up $27.5 Million, ‘Jurassic World Rebirth’ Tops $800 Million Worldwide
Acidly: Zach Cregger's horror film "Weapons" is surprising everyone by raking in a whopping $70 million worldwide. Who knew 17 missing kids could make such a great box office meal? Meanwhile, Disney's sequel “Freakier Friday" is an underwhelming body swap bore with just $15.5 million, as if anyone was clamoring for that. And in the superhero arena, "Fantastic Four" is a pitiful reminder that Marvel's glory days are behind us. Love to see a franchise clawing for crumbs while Superman munches on his own success.
Perseid meteor shower: When, where and how to catch a glimpse
Acidly: Get ready for a meteor shower, folks! The Perseids are set to dazzle you—assuming you can dodge bright moonlight. Yes, just when you thought you'd see a shooting star, Sturgeon Moon’s glowing presence will block all but a few meteors. Experts say to look after midnight; just be prepared to spend 20 minutes lying in the dirt like an overzealous romantic. Don’t forget water and a charged phone—because nothing says “nature lover” quite like a selfie in the wilderness, right? Good luck spotting a meteor!
The Good Ol'Ads
U.S. Government to Take Cut of Nvidia and AMD A.I. Chip Sales to China
Acidly: In a spectacular display of financial gymnastics, Nvidia and AMD have struck a deal with the Trump administration that’d make a mobster proud. They’ll cough up 15% of their AI chip profits from China, essentially making Uncle Sam a business partner—because who doesn’t want to mix government with greed? Just weeks after banning these sales, the administration flipped faster than a burger on a grill. National security? Please. It’s all about that sweet, sweet cash flow. Welcome to the circus, folks!
Gurman: All-new App Intents feature and Siri overhaul on track to launch next spring
Acidly: Tim Cook's crew is prepping to ship a shiny new App Intents feature for Siri next spring, because obviously nobody’s clamoring for an upgrade to software that can barely understand simple requests. After a string of delays, this latest disaster is marked for the fabled iOS 26.4—if all goes well. Apple engineers are sweating bullets, worrying whether Siri can handle life-or-death tasks without turning your bank account into confetti. If you’re betting on Apple to nail this, you might want to reconsider your life choices.
Former Trump surgeon general says "people are going to die" after RFK Jr. halts some mRNA vaccine research
Acidly: Oh, look, it's Dr. Jerome Adams, the former Surgeon General, sounding the alarm over vaccine funding cuts like it's some kind of disaster movie. Meanwhile, Secretary of Health and Hocus-Pocus, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., decides slashing $500 million from mRNA research is a swell idea because, apparently, flu shots are in. Adams claims lives will be lost, which is rich coming from a guy who served under the Trump administration. Let’s just keep throwing money at “promising” tech while ignoring the actual crises. Brilliant plan!