Trump puts DC police department under federal control, deploys National Guard
Acidly: In a jaw-dropping press conference, Trump declared D.C. a crime-riddled hellscape, despite crime actually plummeting. With alarming overreach, he plans to seize control of Washington's police and deploy 800 National Guardsmen, all while claiming to "clean up the Capital"! Such a heroic endeavor—get rid of the homeless, but criminals? They’ll simply be jailed. Mayor Bowser, probably twiddling her thumbs, pointed out crime is at a 30-year low. But facts, who needs 'em? Tune in for “Liberation Day,” folks!
Tributes, condemnation pour in over slain Al Jazeera journalists in Gaza
Acidly: Five Al Jazeera journalists, including the intrepid Anas al-Sharif, met their grim fate at the hands of Israeli forces. Targeted like they were prime-time villains, these fearless reporters were annihilated while documenting genocide—hardly a fair fight when your opponents are drones. Global outrage erupted, but let's face it: international condemnation is the world's favorite way to look busy while doing nothing. Meanwhile, the death toll for journalists in Gaza continues to climb; who needs reporters for the truth anyway?
Thousands protest plan to build world’s longest bridge from Sicily to Italy
Acidly: In Sicily, over 10,000 marchers vocally opposed the pregnant idea of a bridge that promises to connect the mainland to the island, only to potentially connect more Mafia to power. Transport Minister Salvini labels it an economic jackpot, while locals understand "compensation" equates to losing their homes and lush landscapes. Who needs nature when you can have a 3.7km Instagram opportunity, right? Critics and activists are ready for a legal showdown, and hilariously, this could become yet another Italian spectacle to savor—Mafia vs. Nature. Exciting!
The Good Ol'Ads
Texas is No. 1 in preseason AP Top 25 for first time, edging Penn State, Ohio State; 10 SEC teams ranked
Acidly: Texas Longhorns kick off the college football season as the No. 1 team. Congratulate them on achieving this dubious honor with just 38.5% of first-place votes. At least they edged out Penn State by a nail-biting five points—truly impressive. Their opener is against Ohio State, the reigning champs, who’ve had Texas’ number before. So here's to more “high expectations” and potential heartbreak for Texas fans who’ve been on this roller coaster. Will they end in the dumpster fire of disappointment again? Stay tuned!
'The Gilded Age' Season 3 finale reveals who lives, who dies, who gets divorced
Acidly: In the grand finale of "The Gilded Age," Bertha Russell—HBO's embodiment of social ambition—loses it all, including her husband’s love. George, fresh from a gunshot wound and a hospital’s "no questions asked" policy, tells her he hasn’t forgiven her for their daughter's happy marriage and her cutthroat tactics. But hey, at least everyone else is thriving in their gilded mess. Bertha, the queen of social climbing, watches her future ride off in a carriage while she clutches her champagne flute and sobs. Cheers!
Perseid meteor shower: When, where and how to catch a glimpse
Acidly: Ah, the Perseid meteor shower is here to mesmerize stargazers with its “dazzling” display, as if we needed more reasons to squint at the sky. Expect a max of 2 meteors per hour thanks to that pesky Sturgeon Moon lighting up the night like a glow stick at a bad rave. Cloudy skies, showers, and the thrill of hoping for a fireball—who wouldn’t want to endure all that?! Your best bet? Staring at the dark for an eternity while hoping your neighbor’s porch light doesn't ruin your cosmic moment. Enjoy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump Names EJ Antoni New BLS Commissioner
Acidly: In a shocking twist that could only come from the dysfunctional circus we call politics, Trump is nominating E.J. Antoni, a Heritage Foundation economist, to head the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Following the dismissal of Erika McEntarfer—fired for not cooking the job numbers to Trump’s liking—Antoni's already casting doubt on the agency’s credibility. In a gnarly blend of loyalty and bias, we're left wondering if data will still be “fearless” or just another tool for presidential spin. Can’t wait for the next economic report—because who needs accurate statistics when you have allies?
Samsung’s Galaxy S25 FE looks like a barely downgraded S25+ in latest leaks
Acidly: Samsung’s thrown the Galaxy Z Fold 7 and Flip 7 into the market like confetti, but guess what? They’re not stopping there. Enter the Galaxy S25 FE, a mid-range gem that dares to be "good enough." With a sleek design, it boasts a 1080p screen and the same outdated Exynos 2400e processor. You’ll love those triple lenses on the back— oh wait, they’re the same as last year’s. But hey, at least it has a larger battery now that could’ve been done ages ago. Get ready to celebrate mediocrity this holiday!
NIH director: mRNA vaccine contracts were canceled because public lacks trust in technology
Acidly: In an epic display of incompetence, NIH head Jay Bhattacharya declared mRNA vaccines "not viable" because, shocker, the public doesn’t trust them. He blames this on the vaccine hesitancy he encouraged during the pandemic. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offers a different excuse—apparently, the vaccines just aren’t effective or safe. Meanwhile, experts roll their eyes as public health discussions devolve into a blame game. Thanks, guys! Who needs effective vaccines when you've got conspiracy theories?