Trump Live Updates: National Guard Begins Deploying in D.C.

Acidly: Trump lamented about the "unprecedented" crime rates in D.C. while conveniently ignoring facts that could ruin his narrative. With 274 murders in 2023, it's awfully high but far from a record. The homicide rate peaked in the '90s—funny how history works. Juvenile crime is exaggerated too; it has dropped significantly over the years. But hey, facts clash with his narrative, so why bother? He's always got the optics of a good old federal takeover to distract us from statistics. What a show—a circus with an elephant that can't remember its act!

Zelensky refuses to cede Donbas, says doing so would give Putin ‘springboard’ for future offensives

Acidly: Ukraine’s President Zelensky is playing hardball: no land for Putin. Giving up Donbas could be the ticket for a third war—can’t wait for that chaos! Before a meeting with Trump in Alaska, Zelensky warned the Russians are flexing their muscles, possibly prepping for new shenanigans. While Trump thinks “land swapping” might solve everything, Zelensky is clearly not keen on handing over chunks of his country. Who knew peace talks could be so much like a twisted game of chess?

Jimmy Kimmel’s backup plan may be a move to Italy

Acidly: In a stunning twist, Jimmy Kimmel, the late-night prince of sarcasm, has donned an Italian passport. Yes, he escaped to pasta and pizza while lamenting the U.S. chaos on Sarah Silverman's podcast. "It's way worse than you think," he quipped, conveniently pointing fingers at Trump voters, offering them a backdoor to repentance. Meanwhile, he’s still throwing anti-Trump signs and playing nice while hiding behind Italian citizenship. Because who wouldn’t want to ditch the mess for some lasagna? Bravo, Jimmy!

The Good Ol'Ads

White House Will ‘Definitely’ Host a U.F.C. Fight on July 4, U.F.C. Head Says

Acidly: In an unprecedented fusion of politics and brutality, President Trump will host an Ultimate Fighting Championship event on the White House lawn next July 4, because nothing says “freedom” like watching people pummel each other in a sanctioned brawl. Dana White, Trump’s WWE buddy, confirmed this grand idea, probably after reminiscing about democracy while body slamming each other. Apparently, the 250th anniversary of America’s birth needs a dose of smackdowns and cheerleading by Ivanka. Just your average political evolution!

Taylor Swift just gave Travis Kelce a starring role in her next era

Acidly: Taylor Swift, notorious for keeping boyfriends at arm's length, just tossed that playbook in the trash. In a shocking move, she announced her new album, "The Life of a Showgirl," on boyfriend Travis Kelce's podcast—because, of course, nothing screams genius like leveraging your lover's mediocre NFL platform. While she’s been dodging personal publicity for years, now it’s a dual reality show. Swift’s pushing the “couple goals” narrative harder than her manic fans. I guess love really is a business strategy after all!

Watch the 2025 Perseid meteor shower peak tonight in free webcast

Acidly: Get ready to stare at the sky and pretend you’re impressed! The Perseid meteor shower peaks on August 12-13, offering a chance to watch 'shooting stars' courtesy of debris from Comet Swift-Tuttle. Stream it online or brave the outdoors—just don’t expect too much, as the gibbous moon will dim your hopes of seeing the fainter meteors. But hey, who needs subtlety when you can watch bright specks zooming by? Astrophysicist commentary included for those who want to feel smart while witnessing this cosmic fireworks show. Enjoy!

The Good Ol'Ads

Trump’s pick to lead labor stats agency could pause monthly jobs report over accuracy concerns

Acidly: E.J. Antoni, the new appointee for the Bureau of Labor Statistics, wants to toss monthly job reports into the dumpster fire. In a stunning act of logic, he claims these reports are so often wrong that they mislead decision-makers. Coincidentally, this chaos follows Trump’s spectacularly timed sacking of the former commissioner after job figures couldn’t keep up with his delusions. While Trump cheers on Antoni as the “truth-teller,” let’s see how long it takes before the statistics play their usual game of musical chairs. Searching for honesty in numbers? Good luck!

Pixel 10, AI capabilities, and everything else we expect out of the Made by Google 2025 event

Acidly: Anticipation for Google's Made by Google 2025, set for August 20, is reaching fever pitch, mainly because they desperately want to outshine Apple’s iPhone 17. The highlight? The Pixel 10 series! Featuring enough AI fluff with “Camera Coach” to keep wannabe photographers deeply confused. There'll be a slightly revamped design, more cameras, and a chip upgrade - because who doesn’t want a new phone that looks like last year's? Oh, and wearables! Because more tech is totally the solution to our collective emptiness.

Study reveals why ‘super agers’ maintain ‘outstanding memory’ into their 80s

Acidly: Brace yourselves: memory loss doesn't have to be an aging rite of passage. Yes, some lucky “super agers” over 80 perform on par with people three decades younger. Researchers at Northwestern University found that while some aging brains are awash in toxic proteins (hello, Alzheimer’s), others manage to dodge that fate. How? By either not producing those nasty plaques or just being really good at ignoring them. Turns out, being social and engaged might just keep the brain from resembling a decaying pumpkin. Shocking, right?