Hurricane Erin: Storm surge watch is issued for North Carolina's Outer Banks
Acidly: Oh joy, Hurricane Erin is wreaking havoc, strutting her stuff with 140 mph winds, poised to drench the Outer Banks while skipping landfall. The coastal residents are in for a treat: storm surges, 20-foot waves, and mandatory evacuations! What could be more fun than a flooded home and impassable roads? Don’t worry, emergency services might be available—if you can reach them. Meanwhile, climate change continues its relentless charm offensive, making hurricanes as trendy as this season's fashion. Buckle up, folks!
Trump begins planning for Putin-Zelenskyy meeting while affirming US help with security guarantees
Acidly: In a dazzling display of diplomatic wrestling, President Trump decided to play matchmaker between Zelenskyy and Putin, claiming a peace meeting could solve the nearly four-year-long melodrama. Amid cautious optimism from European leaders, there’s a nagging fear that Trump’s really just pushing Ukraine to hand over its lunch money. Zelenskyy, dressed up for the occasion, is ready to appear before the authoritarian duo without conditions, possibly just to remind everyone that he still exists. Meanwhile, Trump insists on a “NATO-like” security presence, whatever that means. Keep your helmets on, folks; this circus isn't ending anytime soon.
Is it time to ditch the bucket list?
Acidly: In a world where bucket lists are more uniform than a mediocre hotel breakfast, destinations are tired of playing nice. Italy launched "99% of Italy" to show travelers that there's more to the boot-shaped country than just tourist traps packed tighter than a sardine can. Meanwhile, Japan, still reeling from the pandemic's grip, is trying to convince visitors that there’s more to life than the overdone hot springs and temples – welcome to "undertourism," where every overlooked spot craves attention. Happy Insta-posting!
The Good Ol'Ads
Browns name Joe Flacco their starting quarterback
Acidly: In a shocking twist worthy of a daytime soap, the Browns have named 40-year-old Joe Flacco their starting quarterback. Yes, Flacco—who last made a Week 1 start in 2022 and seems to have nine lives like a particularly grumpy cat—will lead them into battle against the Bengals. Because why not trust a guy whose last postseason memories come from a decade ago? As the other quarterbacks nursed injuries, Flacco dodged that bullet. Clearly, experience trumps all—let's all hold hands in despair now.
'Ketamine Queen' Jasveen Sangha will plead guilty in Matthew Perry case
Acidly: Meet Jasveen Sangha, the "Ketamine Queen." She's agreed to plead guilty to dealing the drugs that gave Matthew Perry a permanent jacuzzi nap. The feds dubbed her home a "drug-selling emporium," with enough vials to supply a small army. As she prepares for her noble 65-year vacation in federal prison, she’ll be joined by a motley crew of doctors and her assistant—each apparently too eager to profit off Perry’s addiction. Who knew Hollywood's "wild west" was more like a drug-themed reality show?
The Good Ol'Ads
Powerball jackpot passes $600 million for Monday night’s drawing
Acidly: Oh joy! The Powerball jackpot has hit a staggering $605 million, enticing millions to part with their hard-earned cash for a 1 in 292 million chance of actually winning. Who wouldn't risk their dignity for a shot at life-changing riches? Of course, you might prefer the measly $273.4 million lump sum; who doesn't love losing a fortune to taxes? Meanwhile, Americans continue to pour billions into this glorified coin toss. But hey, it’s just "fun"! Mark your calendars for Monday night; dreams of instant wealth await—until reality sets in!
How Google’s Pixel 10 Pro Will Change Smartphones Forever
Acidly: In a desperate bid for relevancy, Google’s about to launch the Pixel 10, a truly groundbreaking device—if groundbreaking means more gimmicky features that will ultimately be forgotten in a week. Promising to redefine the smartphone landscape, Google is targeting Josh and Karen by throwing flashy celebrity endorsements and AI buzzwords around like confetti. The hilarity? Apple’s fumbling AI rollout gives Google a shot at dethroning the tech giant—provided they hope no one notices the price tag. Good luck!
The Texas Measles Outbreak Is Over, Officials Say
Acidly: Ah, the West Texas measles saga—two dead kids and nearly a hundred hospitalized. State officials finally declared the outbreak "over" after the virus apparently exhausted its supply of unvaccinated victims. Meanwhile, vacc rates plummeted like stocks in a recession—92% for MMR, and rising exemptions like a bad sitcom. Health leaders chime in with a bitter reminder: urging vaccinations amid nonsense from wellness gurus who preferred cod liver oil over actual science. Great job, Texas! Keep up the “good” work!