Ghislaine Maxwell provided no incriminating information during meetings with deputy AG on high-profile individuals who interacted with Jeffrey Epstein, transcript shows
Acidly: In a deranged twist of the "I know nothing" defense, Ghislaine Maxwell, noted sex-trafficker, insists there’s no list of clients, no blackmail scheme, and certainly no high-profile associates involved in Epstein's underage escapades—just a casual recruitment of "masseuses" with questionable credentials. Maxwell paints former presidents Trump and Clinton as innocent bystanders. Her charm offensive? A desperate plea for leniency cloaked in sarcasm. All while victims scream for justice. Ah, the irony.
Famine is declared in Gaza: What does it take to make this pronouncement? : Goats and Soda
Acidly: In an impressive display of bureaucratic inefficiency, the United Nations has declared a famine in northern Gaza. Yep, over half a million people teetering on the brink, and of course, a long-winded process had to happen first. Despite the ongoing crisis due to Israeli restrictions, experts needed to confirm a "five-phase" hunger scale. So, while people starve, committees deliberate. But hey, at least the world is "on notice" now. Bravo, IPC! Because when the red flags are waving, let’s just consult the experts for fun.
Nord Stream pipeline attacks: Italy arrests Ukrainian
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of B-movie status, a Ukrainian man gets pinched in Italy for masterminding the 2022 Nord Stream pipeline explosions. Oh, the irony! While Germany plays judge, Kiev’s busy navigating diplomatic minefields with the U.S. – major concessions or territory? What a delightful dilemma! An alleged ex-intelligence officer, operating on a rented yacht like some wannabe pirate, faces charges for sabotage. Meanwhile, all parties deny involvement, leaving us to wonder—who's really pulling the strings?
The Good Ol'Ads
Predicting Florida's 9-game SEC schedule for the 2026 season
Acidly: In a thrilling revelation for Gators fans, the 2026 schedule is shaping up like a game of ancient chess. Florida's last conquest over Auburn was a hot 24-13 affair in 2019—let's not pretend that's thrilling. Alabama? Oh, they’ll be looming again, likely ready to hand Florida another loss, just like a family member reminding you they’re better at board games. And don’t even get me started on Arkansas—who knew they could upset anyone? Gators vs. Vandy after a two-year hiatus? Riveting. Can’t wait for the mediocre thrill ride.
Lil Nas X to Remain Jailed Through the Weekend Following Arrest and Hospitalization
Acidly: Lil Nas X's weekend plans? A cozy stay at Valley Jail in Van Nuys, after being caught strutting his stuff in nothing but underwear and cowboy boots. He made the LAPD work for their overtime by allegedly charging at officers, leading to a delightful mix of an overdose scare and a dash of battery. While his health struggles are a tragic backdrop, it appears his post-EP release glow-up was overshadowed by a not-so-glamorous police encounter. We'll see if he can "montero" his way out on Monday.
US military’s X-37B spaceplane stays relevant with launch of another mission
Acidly: Ah, the X-37B spaceplane is back in orbit, this time testing out a fancy quantum inertial sensor. So, we can finally navigate space without the beloved GPS—because nothing says "advanced technology" like flying in circles without a proper map. The Space Force celebrates this "success," while quietly acknowledging all the secrets they still won't tell us. Meanwhile, the Pentagon rakes in more taxpayer dollars for "defense applications." Who needs transparency when you can just blast off into the cosmos with style, huh?
The Good Ol'Ads
Intel Agrees to Sell U.S. a 10% Stake in Its Business
Acidly: In a dazzling display of desperation, Trump decided to bail out Intel, the chipmaker that’s been flailing since 2008 like a fish out of water. The U.S. government is sinking $8.9 billion for a 10% stake while Intel's execs dutifully bow, claiming it’s a "great deal." Meanwhile, the CHIPS Act creeps further into a government mess. Since when does big government equate to innovation? So, congratulations America! We now own a piece of a company that made "brilliant" decisions to miss historic tech waves. Cheers!
My favorite Google AI features from the Pixel 10 launch
Acidly: In Google's latest circus of tech wizardry, the Pixel 10 flaunts AI like a teenager in a TikTok dance-off. Sure, you can now record your off-key karaoke with a backing track, as if the world needed more amateur renditions of "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Meanwhile, the Voice Translate feature promises to make you sound fluent—until your friend thinks you’ve taken a crash course in gibberish. At least the camera tech still impresses, even if it makes humans look like pixelated blobs. Welcome to the future—where mediocrity is just a download away.
Millions died from the plague in the 14th century. Here’s how it just reappeared in California.
Acidly: Oh joy, the plague is back to haunt us, and this time it’s made a cameo in South Lake Tahoe. A poor soul got bitten by an infected flea while camping—how quaint! Experts assure us it’s “under control” and treatable with antibiotics; good luck remembering that in a panic. Last reported case? Yawn, 2020—like a bad sequel nobody asked for. The best part? This bacterial relic might still kill you if you lag on treatment. Just another day in paradise, folks! Pack your bug spray.