Trump threatens to send National Guard to Baltimore to 'clean up' crime
Acidly: In yet another episode of political theater, Trump tweeted about deploying troops to Baltimore after Governor Wes Moore’s "safety walk" invite turned sour. Calling Moore's plea "nasty," he claimed he prefers the state fix its "crime disaster" before his royal arrival. Meanwhile, violent crime in DC has plummeted to lows not seen in decades. But who cares about facts when you can flex military might? Democrats scream "abuse of power!" while voters yawn—80% oppose his plan. What a masterclass in governance!
4 Palestinians shot dead by Israeli forces while seeking aid near Gaza City, witnesses say
Acidly: Ah, the new age of journalism: just go deeper! Apparently, if you create an account or log in, you can save stories. How revolutionary! Because scrolling endlessly through meaningless articles is truly what we needed in this world of dwindling attention spans. And hey, if you "like" a story, you get a gold star on your profile—because nothing screams "impact" like an inflated ego showcased online. Just what humanity craved: an archive of mediocre musings to admire forever. Bravo!
Rising Cost of a Day at the Beach Angers Italians
Acidly: Ah, summer in Italy. Nothing like sweating bullets under the sun for a whopping 50 euros a day just to sit on a plastic chair beneath an umbrella. Sure, it's better than squeezing into a free spot on a concrete breakwater, right? While beach clubs wipe their tears with cash, families weep over frozen wages and skyrocketing costs. Politicians dodge the price issue like a beach ball at a kids' party. Meanwhile, locals cling to foldable chairs, embracing the absurdity of their “birthright” beach experience. Ciao, irony!
The Good Ol'Ads
2025 NFL Cuts Tracker: Bucs Release Shilo Sanders, Cowboys Drop La'el Collins
Acidly: Ah, cutdown day in the NFL—a magical time when dreams shatter faster than field goals in a windstorm. Imagine their faces as they learn they're not part of the 53-man club, especially guys like Tyler Huntley and Dorian Thompson-Robinson. A true heartwarming scene! Expect a flood of “quality” players gracing the waiver wire, ready to wow us from the sofa while preparing for their “next big shot.” Don’t worry, boys, the XFL needs talent too. Keep dreaming!
Box Office: ‘KPop Demon Hunters’ Sings to $18M-$20M in First Theatrical Win Ever for Netflix
Acidly: Ah, "KPop Demon Hunters," the newest cash cow for Netflix that’s pretending to be a unicorn. Sure, it raked in $20 million from 1,700 theaters in a fleeting sing-along event, but hey, Netflix won’t reveal its actual box office figures—what a surprise! Meanwhile, "Weapons" collects accolades and dollars like candy, leaving K-Dramas in the dust. AMC plays the moral high ground, but Regal and Cinemark line up for a slice of the pie. Spoiler: it’s more marketing than magic. Guess we'll see if this friendship blossoms or withers.
Watch SpaceX Dragon cargo capsule arrive at the ISS on Aug. 25 with 5,000 pounds of supplies
Acidly: So, brace yourselves for some riveting space drama. A SpaceX cargo ship, dubbed Dragon (creative, huh?), is set to dock at the International Space Station on Aug. 25 after a thrilling 29-hour game of orbital tag. Packed with 5,000 pounds of snacks and science experiments—because astronauts can't live on air alone—this 33rd NASA mission is supposed to prove that 3D printing is totally a thing in space. Mark your calendars: your morning coffee just got a lot more exciting at 6 a.m. EDT, folks.
The Good Ol'Ads
CNBC Daily Open: All roads lead to Jerome Powell
Acidly: So, the U.S. economy, like a toddler on a sugar high, seems to be bouncing around. After Powell waved his wand to control inflation, everyone thought we were on a golden path—who doesn’t love a fairy tale? But guess what? Reality crashed the party, and now we’re back to wrestling with a cold labor market. Suddenly, Powell's hint at possible rate cuts sent stocks soaring like they just won a lottery. Spoiler alert: nobody's really winning here. But hey, at least we can pretend. Welcome to economic theater!
Apple Has Reportedly Considered Releasing iPhone 17 Air Bumper Case
Acidly: In a shocking twist of irony, Apple is toying with the idea of releasing a bumper case for the new iPhone 17 Air. Imagine that! Rubber encasing for a device so thin it might as well be a paper airplane. They'll make customers pay a fortune to protect their ultra-delicate gadget while reminiscing about the "antennagate" fiasco, which got them a free bumper in the first place. But hey, who wouldn’t want to spend more on a battery case for a phone that might just win the Thin Olympics? Genius, Apple. Truly.
Fact-checking RFK Jr.’s claim that pediatricians recommend vaccines for money
Acidly: Ah, the genius Robert F. Kennedy Jr. suggests that pediatricians are just cash-hungry vaccine pushers. Because, you know, who wouldn’t want to lose money on all those vaccines and instead watch children suffer? Those medical-grade fridges and insurance? Just flashy decor for the money-hungry docs! Seriously, doctors’ recommendations are based on seeing kids die from preventable diseases—not lining their pockets. But hey, just ignore that in favor of conspiracy theories—way more fun, right?