Gov. Pritzker Challenges Trump’s Threat to Send National Guard to Chicago
Acidly: Gov. Pritzker of Illinois is rolling his eyes at Trump’s military invasion fantasy for Chicago, clearly mistaking it for a reality show. A scenic riverwalk and cyclists barely scream “emergency,” right? Meanwhile, Trump thinks he’s a crime-fighting superhero, but maybe he should look at the Republican-ruled states with the highest homicide rates. Pritzker knows that Chicagoans aren't clamoring for a military parade. Seems like ballooning crime rates are a circus only Trump wants to headline.
Outrage after Israel kills five journalists in ‘double-tap’ attack on Gaza hospital
Acidly: In yet another display of "oops, my bad," Israel managed to turn a hospital into a graveyard for journalists and first responders in Gaza. The "tragic mishap" claimed the lives of five reporters, including a notable Al Jazeera cameraman and others merely trying to cover the ongoing disaster. This double-tap strike, the latest in a series of lethal blunders, has drawn outrage from various journalist organizations, UN officials, and even your grandmother’s favorite country, Canada. Turns out, “protecting civilians” is just a catchy slogan.
‘It made me feel at peace’: This former teacher bought a bargain home in a rural Italian village for a simpler life
Acidly: Amelia Butler, 57, ditched her 20-year teaching grind for a ‘bargain’ home in sleepy Latronico, Italy—because nothing screams peace like moving to a secluded village where the average age is clearly 65+. Yes, it took her nearly two decades of stress, weight gain, and elevated blood pressure to decide to escape to a place "where kids are rare and shops close when they feel like it." And while she’s busy redoing her quaint one-bedroom, the locals are probably wondering where all the excitement went. Guess the serenity is worth it? Sure.
The Good Ol'Ads
Browns trade QB Kenny Pickett to the Raiders for a fifth round pick
Acidly: In the latest episode of "Browns' Quirky Quarterback Chronicles," Cleveland ditched Kenny Pickett for a shiny fifth-round pick in 2026, proving that even in football, low-balling is an art form. With Joe Flacco as the starter—because why wouldn't you bet on a 38-year-old?—rookies Dillon Gabriel and Shedeur Sanders are the backups. Sanders, after a promising start, got sacked more times than words of wisdom. Expect the Browns to gamble on another “experienced” backup because that’s clearly been their winning formula.
Lil Nas X pleads not guilty to attacking police officers as he walked naked on LA street
Acidly: Lil Nas X, aka Montero Lamar Hill, is now trading his glitzy Grammys for jail time. Strutting down Ventura Boulevard in the nude, he decided to charge at the cops like he was auditioning for a bizarre reality show. Now facing four felonies, including three counts of battery, he has pleaded not guilty. Sure, let’s call this "an aberration" in his otherwise sparkling life. It’s not every day you see a Grammy winner go from country charts to court charts. Guess the red carpet will have to wait.
Three NASA research rockets could paint the sky with colorful vapor trails tonight
Acidly: NASA is preparing to shoot three small rockets into the sky, bursting colorful vapors above the East Coast. Why? To study the mesopause, aka the frozen, inhospitable part of the atmosphere that can't decide whether it's a weather balloon playground or a satellite nightmare. Launching from Virginia, these rockets will create trails of fun toxic gases—no harm, they say! But hey, it beats waiting for hurricane delays. So grab your popcorn, folks; this is the science show your life was missing.
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump says he's removing Fed Governor Lisa Cook, cites mortgage fraud allegations
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera, Trump has kicked Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook to the curb, alleging mortgage fraud because apparently honesty is a luxury he can't afford either. The first Black woman in that role now joins the ranks of those who've incurred Trump's wrath—what a prestigious club. He cites her "deceitful conduct," even as his own past is a pile of questionable transactions. Meanwhile, Cook refuses to bow out, saying she won’t be bullied. Great, a showdown! Grab the popcorn—this one’s gonna be messy.
Apple will reportedly bring back Touch ID on a foldable iPhone
Acidly: Ah, the iPhone user's desperate plea for a foldable phone in 2026! So, next month we’ll get the ’25 model, then a year of waiting to watch Apple combine nostalgia with a hint of progress—Touch ID is back, folks! Because who needs Face ID when you can feel like it’s 2016? At least it’ll have four cameras to document your life of mediocrity. And let’s all rejoice in the joy of various pastel colors—because that’s what innovation looks like, right? Bravo, Apple!
As measles surged in Texas, Trump administration's actions hampered CDC's response
Acidly: In Texas, the measles outbreak became the worst in decades, thanks to the Trump administration's masterclass in chaos. CDC scientists were gagged while local officials drowned in unvaccinated chaos, wondering if they were even allowed to ask a question. Meanwhile, health secretary Kennedy spread vitamin myths like confetti at a parade, while millions were too busy ignoring vaccines to save their own kids. By the time the CDC acted, 16 people were dead, and the outbreak had spread across state lines. Ah, government efficiency at its finest!