What we know about Minnesota school shooting suspect Robin Westman
Acidly: In a tragic example of complete moral failure, 23-year-old Robin Westman decided to unleash chaos outside a Minneapolis church, killing two kids and injuring 17. Armed with a mini arsenal, Westman, who had a charm bracelet of grievances and doodles of death, was predictably deemed a “deranged monster” by DHS Secretary Kristi Noem. Instead of using her artistic talents for good, she crafted a horror show scribbled in notebooks. But hey, don’t villainize her trans identity; that’s what truly matters here, right?
Trump hosts meeting on Gaza as US hits India with new tariffs
Acidly: Ah, the perpetual circus of American politics. Trump’s administration is now deploying the National Guard to urban streets, promising safety while likely triggering nightmares of increased militarization. Meanwhile, the CDC’s new head—oops, was she ousted or did she resign? Who cares—the agency's morale is lower than a snake’s belly after a gunman turned their Atlanta campus into Swiss cheese. And of course, Marco Rubio is having a lovely chat with Israel while Gaza burns. More of the same, folks!
How Italy created a ‘tennis machine’ and became home to some of the world’s best players
Acidly: Italy, long known for pasta and painting, has suddenly become a tennis powerhouse. With Jannik Sinner, the golden boy of the courts, leading the charge, the sport is finally getting the attention soccer used to hog. Italy's tennis officials have turned from clueless to cunning, hiring global coaches and flooding the scene with tournaments. Who knew a country with a history of sporadic success could churn out talent like a pasta machine? Enjoy the ride, Italy. Tennis might just become your new obsession.
The Good Ol'Ads
Keegan Bradley doesn’t select self, names six U.S. Ryder Cup captain’s picks
Acidly: Keegan Bradley's self-imposed exile from the Ryder Cup is the gift that keeps on giving—mostly for those who love a good sports soap opera. A man once poised to be a player now embraces the comforting embrace of captaincy, proving yet again that the PGA's drama rivals that of any reality TV show. Sure, he’s having a crisis over his non-inclusion, while handpicking a squad with less baggage. We’ll see if his “dream” of captaincy overshadows his heartbreak when all eyes turn to Bethpage. Go team?
Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift Are Engaged. Kansas City Is Enchanted.
Acidly: Welcome to Kansas City, where the local economy thrives on fairy tale romances. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce just got engaged, and it's a full-blown circus. Parents drop off kids in jerseys while teachers flaunt friendship bracelets like they’re at a pop concert. Businesses have transformed into Swiftie shrines, with pastries bearing engagement puns. Because nothing screams “we have no real problems” quite like obsessing over two unbothered celebrities. But hey, keep those “Mr. Swift” tees flying high; it adds to the town’s delusion of grandeur.
James Webb telescope images reveal there's something strange with interstellar comet 3I/ATLAS
Acidly: Astronomers are losing their minds over the James Webb Space Telescope’s new favorite comet, 3I/ATLAS, whose carbon dioxide levels are off the charts. This cosmic diva, speeding through space at 130,000 mph and allegedly carrying ancient ice from 3 billion years ago, could be from a realm of hostile alien tech—because who doesn’t love a bit of paranoid speculation? As it approaches our sun for a glamorous exit, scientists are holding their breath, hoping it doesn’t just fizzle out like every other overly hyped cosmic phenomenon.
The Good Ol'Ads
Nvidia stock sinks after data center sales miss forecasts
Acidly: Nvidia's Q2 earnings are out, and shocker—data center revenue missed the mark by a smidge, sending stocks tumbling 3% post-call. They reported a respectable $41.1 billion, just shy of the analysts' $41.3 billion fantasy. Sure, earnings per share of $1.05 beat expectations, but who cares about that when you narrowly miss shiny benchmarks? Meanwhile, CEO Jensen Huang declares the “AI race” is on, implying everything is fine in a sea of tariffs, chip bans, and geopolitical drama. Ah, capitalism at its best!
Pixel 10 Pro review: Familiar hardware, filled with Google’s AI
Acidly: Google’s Pixel phones, self-proclaimed harbingers of the AI revolution, just got a “meh” upgrade—hello, telephoto camera and the oh-so-exciting Tensor G5 chip. Sure, the brightscreen and fancy camera features like "Camera Coach" aim to turn you into a photography Picasso. But good luck sifting through the glitzy marketing and missing AI bells and whistles that vary by locale. In the end, if you ignore the AI hype, it’s just another shiny gadget that you’ll drop in a few months—unless Jimmy Fallon convinces you otherwise.
Why getting a COVID-19 vaccine is likely to be more complicated this year
Acidly: Will you get a COVID-19 vaccine? Good luck figuring that one out. The FDA's new approval is a game of roulette—65 and older, or sick? Everyone else? Maybe. Thanks to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.'s vendetta against the ACIP, pharmacies may not be handing out shots anytime soon. And insurance? Who knows! Some might cover it, but be prepared for a $150 bill if not. Meanwhile, doctors bicker over who should get vaccinated like it’s a high-stakes poker game. Confused? Yeah, join the club. Happy vaccine hunting!