Chicago mayor signs order aimed at resisting Trump’s planned immigration crackdown
Acidly: In a bold move, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson is channeling his inner superhero against President Trump’s looming immigration crackdown. He signed an executive order, insisting the city won’t play nice with federal agents. Meanwhile, the White House giggles at his “publicity stunt,” suggesting he should focus on actual crime instead of posing for the cameras. Johnson’s plea for Trump to stand down is as likely to be heard as a whisper in a tornado. Here’s hoping Chicago survives the circus without a military invasion… or another debacle.
Houthis Say Prime Minister Was Killed in Israeli Attack
Acidly: In a dazzling display of "who's next?" diplomacy, Israel has offed Houthi Prime Minister Ahmed al-Rahawi during a workshop in Sana. Hardly a game-changer since he was more of a symbolic figure than anything resembling a strategic asset. The Houthis, riding high on their ideological banner of “death to Israel,” are already plotting attacks in solidarity with Gaza. Meanwhile, Yemen sinks deeper into chaos. But hey, at least they’ve got a new acting PM to carry on the same old brave, ineffective rhetoric. Bravo!
Italy’s PM Meloni ‘disgusted’ over porn site allegedly showing doctored images of her and other high-profile women
Acidly: Ah, Italy, where PM Georgia Meloni’s latest crisis is “deepfake chic.” A sleazy forum dubbed Phica thought it’d be cute to splash doctored images of her and other women with a side of misogyny. Meloni, feigning shock, decried the gall of those using a keyboard to besmirch women’s dignity—how novel! This uproar, bred by a click-happy society, stirred her deepfake battle cry with hopes of empowering other victims, while her own past quirks on sexism remain hilariously muddled. Welcome to 2025, folks!
The Good Ol'Ads
Arch Manning's nightmare outing leaves Texas reeling after Ohio State loss: 'I've got to play better for us to win'
Acidly: Arch Manning's debut as Texas' starting QB was less "The Next Big Thing" and more "Oops, I Did It Again." With tears in his eyes, he exited Ohio Stadium, where 107,000 Ohio State fans eagerly flipped him the bird in perfect rhythm. Losing 14-7, Manning struggled to throw a pass over ten yards until the fourth quarter. Cheer up, Arch! At least you’re good at commercials. But amidst the chaos, he'll be remembered as the kid whose first chapter in college football was a cringeworthy disaster—classic Manning.
Frankenstein: Guillermo del Toro's Netflix adaptation debuts in Venice
Acidly: Ah, Guillermo del Toro’s *Frankenstein* – finally a reason to dust off my Netflix account. After years of doling around on his film wish list, del Toro decided to resurrect this one from the crypt at the Venice Film Festival. Critics are split: some say it’s a masterpiece, while others insist it’s just big and hollow like a pumpkin. With Oscar Isaac serving as the harebrained Victor and Jacob Elordi as the mopey monster, one can’t help but wonder—did we really need another lumbering cinematic revival?
The geology that holds up the Himalayas is not what we thought, scientists discover
Acidly: Stop the presses! Scientists have just kicked a century-old theory about the Himalayas to the curb. Turns out, the notion that crust doubling holds the mighty range aloft doesn’t withstand scrutiny—because, surprise, rocks turn to molten goo! Who knew? The new "mantle sandwich" theory explains the Himalayas' height: a crust-crust-mantle arrangement that actually makes sense, unlike that 100-year-old idea that geologists held onto like a security blanket. You know, classic "science." Think we’ll finally let go? Nah!
The Good Ol'Ads
Billion-dollar Powerball jackpot fever hits western Washington ahead of Labor Day
Acidly: Get ready to throw your paycheck at another Powerball jackpot—this time a measly $1 billion. Why? Because who needs savings when you could gamble on “being lucky”? Rafael Romero, the wise sage of chance, insists you can't win if you don't buy a ticket, which sounds like the perfect motto for perpetual losers. Odds of winning? A delightful 1 in 292.2 million. But hey, plan away: buy a house, retire, maybe find that "passion" you forgot while slaving away. Happy Labor Day, losers!
Some early Pixel 10 buyers report wireless charging issues; start and stop, slow speeds
Acidly: Ah, the Pixel 10 – Google’s latest piece of tech that makes you feel like you've stumbled into the Stone Age! Early adopters are discovering that instead of a fine-tuned charging experience, they’ve got a whole lot of “charging... maybe?” Some chargers can only muster a sad 5W, while others drop the connection faster than your last Tinder date. Apparently, the Qi2 update is the culprit, leaving older chargers as useless as a broken umbrella in a monsoon. Good luck finding a certified charger that actually works!
Doctors may need to rethink decades of routine beta blocker use for some patients after a heart attack, studies suggest
Acidly: In a groundbreaking revelation, the REBOOT study ditched beta blockers for heart attack patients with functioning hearts. Spoiler alert: they didn’t help. Researchers discovered that for over 8,400 patients, taking these pills did as much good as listening to elevator music—absolutely nada. Strangely, women on them faced more risks, while men remained largely unscathed. Meanwhile, the BETAMI-DANBLOCK study found some benefits, but let's face it, both studies scream: “Beta blockers? Yawn.” Time to rethink that prescription pad, folks!