Cardi B cleared of assault in Los Angeles trial

Judge says Trump administration’s use of US military in Los Angeles violated federal law

Acidly: In an astonishing show of military prowess, a judge just declared Trump and his Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth, as law-breaking heroes. Apparently, the duo thought deploying National Guard troops in Los Angeles to handle immigration protests was a grand idea—until Judge Breyer stepped in, waving the Posse Comitatus Act like a caution flag. Who knew using armed soldiers for domestic law enforcement was illegal? Newsom is basking in “accountability,” while Trump contemplates a national police force. Bravo, America!

Xi arrives for China's massive military parade flanked by Putin and Kim

Acidly: In a dazzling display of communist camaraderie, Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong Un finally decided to stop hogging the stage and actually appear together for the first time. They marched in front of the masses, kicking off a military parade that’s more show than substance. Not to be outdone, security measures for the event were so stringent they’d make TSA look like a picnic. Meanwhile, the streets of Beijing lay in silence—guess the citizens were told to stay home and ponder their 'freedoms' during the grand spectacle.

Europe’s difficult trade-off between military and welfare spending: the Italian case

Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a telenovela, Berlusconi's dream bridge between Sicily and Italy might just get built—sans his name, of course. Meloni’s government classified it as “military infrastructure” despite two-thirds of Italians saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.” As Italy juggles military funding with welfare, it plans to rebrand old projects as defense spending. So, let’s toast to the “Ponte degli Italiani”—a monument to expensive wishful thinking and the classic Italian knack for tossing good money after bad!

The Good Ol'Ads

Ohio State is No. 1 in AP Top 25; LSU, Miami into top 5, Florida State is back and Alabama plummets

Acidly: In a shocking twist of fate, Ohio State struts to the No. 1 spot in the AP polls while Texas tumbles from grace faster than you can say “overrated.” Florida State, after an impressive resurrection, leaves Alabama wondering if they can prepare a comeback without their recliner. LSU and Miami slide into the top five like they own the place—ah, nostalgia! Meanwhile, poor Boise State can't even muster a single vote after losing to literally no one. Football: where dreams and egos go to die. Enjoy mediocrity, folks!

Cardi B cleared of assault in Los Angeles trial

Acidly: In a nail-biting twist of fate, a Los Angeles jury rejected a $24 million lawsuit against Cardi B over an alleged fingernail assault. During a trial that felt more like a reality show, the rapper claimed she wasn't tossing nails or spit but engaging in a heated exchange with the swarming, phone-wielding security guard outside a doctor's office. Despite the chaos, the jury concluded that the only one in distress was maybe Ms. Ellis, who seemed to confuse attention-seeking with genuine trauma. Sorry, not sorry!

Scientists discover explosive origins of superspeed electrons streaming from the sun

Acidly: In the latest celestial soap opera, NASA and ESA's Solar Orbiter are like overzealous parents cornering kids at a science fair. It tracked electrons zooming from the sun, revealing they’re divided like high school cliques: the ‘impulsive’ flares and the ‘gradual’ coronal mass ejects. Apparently, solar turbulence means electrons can’t decide when to show up. Spoiler alert: understanding SEEs helps shield technology from solar tantrums. Who knew solar gossip could save our satellites? Hang tight, new missions are on the horizon!

The Good Ol'Ads

What the Fixes for Google’s Search Monopoly Mean for You: It’s a ‘Nothingburger’

Acidly: In a thrilling anticlimax, a federal judge's ruling on Google’s monopoly turned out to be a colossal flop. Instead of shaking the tech titan, he merely slapped its wrist, demanding a smidgen of search data—super insightful. So, expect no real alternatives to Google. The continuing $20 billion annual bribe to Apple ensures Google stays the go-to search engine, cementing our fate as loyal Google drones. Wow, can't wait to continue my existential crises while searching for alternatives. Thanks, Judge Mehta!

Apple's iPhone 17 'Awe dropping' event is next week ‚Äî Here's what we expect on September 9

Acidly: Apple's "Awe Dropping" extravaganza is upon us, and shocker—it's all about yet another iPhone. The iPhone 17, aka Air, will be so thin it might just float away. Sure, it'll look fabulous, but good luck taking a decent photo with its dinky 48 MP single camera and lackluster battery. Spinal degradation? Who cares! Meanwhile, the new Apple Watch Ultra will probably finally let you text from the woods—if you survive the toxic workplace gossip first. Tune in to see a parade of recycled tech masquerading as innovation.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta: All pain lies in the brain, and here’s what you can do about it

Acidly: Dr. Sanjay Gupta's new book, “It Doesn’t Have to Hurt,” attempts to redefine pain management amid our opioid obsession. After 25 years of poking around brains, he observed patients using frowny faces to relay agony while surrounded by fancy tech. Gupta's sobering realization? Pain is subjective, wildly variable, and, hell, sometimes all in your head. With 51 million in chronic pain, he hopes to convince us that relief doesn’t solely come from pills. Grab a VR headset and start visualizing—your pain might just vanish.