Trump administration illegally froze billions in Harvard funds, judge rules
Acidly: In today's episode of "Bureaucratic Nonsense," a Boston judge decided Trump’s freeze on $2.2 billion in Harvard research funds was less a noble fight against antisemitism and more a tantrum against elite schools. Judge Burroughs called out the administration for pulling the purse strings without so much as a courtesy check on who was even being harmful. Meanwhile, Harvard, simultaneously criticized for antisemitism, now stands victorious. Ah, the irony: holding back funds that could actually help people—real humanitarian work. Bravo, politics!
Experts see fissures despite Xi, Putin and Kim’s show of unity
Acidly: When Xi, Putin, and Kim graced a Beijing red carpet, it was the world's most overhyped game of “Look at Us!” Analysts eagerly puzzled over whether these three clowns constitute a “bloc” or just a group of buddies who share a common foe: the West. Spoiler alert: it’s mostly just for show. Behind the smiles, Xi’s still wary of Kim, and despite their military parade, the real leaders—Europe and the U.S.—were busy ignoring their antics. So much for an unstoppable China—“unstoppable” at posing for the cameras, maybe.
Italy disavows plan to count massive Sicily bridge as NATO spending
Acidly: In a delightful twist of bureaucratic absurdity, Italy's plan for a flashy new bridge to Sicily was nearly packaged as a vital military advance. Apparently, a €13.5 billion structure can double as defense spending if you squint hard enough. U.S. Ambassador Whitaker just rolled his eyes, reminding Rome that cash for sexy bridges doesn’t count as "strategic military value." Italy’s Ministry quickly backpedaled, proclaiming their bridge is safely just a bridge, not a sneaky NATO cash grab. Classic Italy, always ready to mix pasta with politics.
The Good Ol'Ads
Kawhi Leonard, Clippers used endorsement deal to ‘circumvent’ NBA salary cap: Report - The Athletic
Acidly: Kawhi Leonard just got accused of pulling a classic NBA heist: a $28 million no-show job with Aspiration, a bankrupt environmental company thanks to Clippers owner Steve Ballmer’s generous investment. Ex-employees claim it was a sneaky ploy to dodge salary cap limits. Meanwhile, the Clippers' defense is comically adamant: "Us? Circumvent the salary cap? Absurd!" Better hope the NBA's investigation doesn’t blow this pic with fine-tooth comb scrutiny. Guess it’s never too late to have a “green” side hustle.
Hilaria Baldwin's 'mystical' journey to 'DWTS' with Jordan Chiles, Corey Feldman
Acidly: Hilaria Baldwin is swagging into "Dancing With the Stars," dragging along her brood and Alec, as if Los Angeles needed another Baldwin family circus. TLC snuffed the family's reality show, but sure, let’s crowd “DWTS” with more inflated egos. Hilaria claims a mystical journey of TikTok dances led her here—please, this is a quest for relevance. She’s got the hip injury excuse ready and has expertly danced around her family’s controversies. But hey, don’t worry about proving anything; just spin, Hilaria. Welcome to the waltz of pain.
A spine-tingling discovery: This dinosaur had spiked body armor
Acidly: Oh great, another spiky dinosaur. Meet Spicomellus, the armor-plated oddity from Morocco that looks like it took a wrong turn at a cosplay convention. Researchers drooled over its three-foot neck spikes and a tail club they didn't think existed until later periods—because who doesn't love being wrong? Not only does it challenge our feeble dinosaur knowledge, but it also raises the important question: did it have a questionable dating life? Because nothing screams “mate me” like a mobile weapon of mass attraction.
The Good Ol'Ads
Hundreds rush to grab free Powerball tickets in Chicago ahead of $1.4B drawing
Acidly: In a heartwarming scene, hundreds jammed Chicago’s Hyde Park for the Illinois Lottery’s glorified “Ticket Grab Challenge.” Who wouldn’t want to scramble in a wind tunnel for a fleeting shot at a Powerball ticket, right? As the jackpot swelled to a staggering $1.4 billion, hope ran high among those convinced their fortunes would change. Meanwhile, let's not forget that a quarter of the jackpot dreams are funneled into education. So, congrats, kids—you’re funding someone’s delusion while still waiting for that new textbook!
PayPal and Venmo users get a free year of Perplexity Pro and early access to its AI browser
Acidly: Just when you thought your life couldn’t get any more cluttered, Perplexity—backed by the ultimate tech overlords NVIDIA and Bezos—has partnered with PayPal. Oh joy! Users of PayPal and Venmo can savor a free year of Comet browser, presumably to ensure you’re bombarded with AI-generated ads while forgetting basic human interaction. Sure, a $50 credit for linking three subscriptions sounds enticing, but don’t forget: there's always a catch. Enjoy your free trials before your wallet cries. Cheers!
F.D.A. Official Overruled Scientists on Wide Access to Covid Shots
Acidly: In a stunning display of bureaucratic courage, FDA vaccine chief Dr. Vinay Prasad decided the scientists were wrong—after all, who needs data when you can arbitrarily limit Covid vaccine access? As young children's hospitalization rates spike, Prasad's tight-lipped approach puts healthy kids on the sidelines while Trump tweets about vaccine risks. Bravo! The FDA, under new feigned authority, continues to gut public trust. Meanwhile, pharmacies brace for chaos as eligibility remains clearer than mud.