Suspect in Charlotte train stabbing facing federal charges, possible death penalty: DOJ
Acidly: In yet another heartwarming tale of Americans living their best lives, Iryna Zarutska, a 23-year-old Ukrainian woman, was fatally stabbed by Decarlos Brown Jr. on Charlotte's light rail. Brown, a criminal mastermind with at least 14 previous charges, now faces federal death penalty charges. Amidst the cries for justice, officials are scrambling to make the transit system "safe." Because clearly, patrols were just too passé before this brutal reminder that public transport is basically a war zone. Bravo, America.
With Qatar Attack, Israel Again Leaves Trump in the Dark
Acidly: So, surprise, surprise! President Trump learned about Israel's latest airstrike in Qatar from the military—definitely not from his beloved pal Netanyahu, despite their "friendship." Trump expressed his "unhappiness" while trying to distance himself from an act that can only be described as reckless. Yet, as always, he’ll let it slide because hey, eliminating Hamas is a "worthy goal." Experts see a pattern: Israel does what it wants, and the U.S. is just along for the chaotic ride. Who needs strategy anyway?
In 'Mussolini: Son of the Century,' Somebody Wants to 'Make Italy Great Again'
Acidly: In a glorious display of historical revisionism, “Mussolini: Son of the Century” kicks off by having Luca Marinelli’s Mussolini charm the audience into loving his fascist antics. Because, who doesn’t want to relive Italy's joyful descent into tyranny? With a mix of ’90s rave beats and gritty visuals, director Joe Wright struggles to sell the series in the U.S. Fear not, folks; who needs democracy when you have a dictator's glow? Let’s dive headfirst into nostalgia for violence and chaos—what could go wrong?
The Good Ol'Ads
Five things to know about Vikings QB J.J. McCarthy after he got his first career win Monday night
Acidly: Ah, Vikings fans, reveling in a fourth-quarter miracle against the Bears—because who doesn't love a good plot twist? J.J. McCarthy, a former Bears fan, switched allegiances faster than Chicago can blow a lead. He threw three touchdowns in a stunning 27-24 win. Who knew that high school football in Illinois and a detour through IMG would lead to becoming the Vikings' prized draft pick? Oh, and he’s engaged and soon to be a dad. Let’s hope his kid learns to avoid Bear fandom. Because, really, why inflict that?
Decomposed body found inside singer D4vd's impounded Tesla in Los Angeles
Acidly: In a Hollywood twist that’s disturbingly cliché, a rotting corpse was unearthed in a Tesla belonging to the oh-so-relevant singer D4vd, who is busy on his “Withered World Tour.” Nice timing, right? The police were drawn in by a "foul odor"—you know, just a typical day in LA! Now, identifying the victim is tougher than deciphering D4vd's lyrics because, you guessed it, the body's too decomposed. Meanwhile, our star continues to perform, possibly for an audience unaware that they might just be in the presence of a killer. Bravo, LA!
Invasive flathead catfish now top predators in Susquehanna River in Pennsylvania
Acidly: Oh, great, another invasive species causing chaos. Meet the flathead catfish, the overachiever of the Mississippi River basin, armed with a voracious appetite and zero natural predators. Since its shocking debut in Pennsylvania's Susquehanna River in '91, it’s been snacking on local fish like they’re hors d'oeuvres. Turns out, it doesn’t just demolish their numbers; it forces them to change their diets just to survive. Who knew one fish could redistribute an entire river’s ecosystem? Watch out, Pennsylvania; dinner is served!
The Good Ol'Ads
Job Growth Revised Down by Nearly a Million, Updated BLS Data Shows
Acidly: So, surprise! The U.S. economy is apparently worse than a fast-food job post on a Tuesday. Forget that rosy picture of nearly a million jobs added; turns out it's just a sad joke. Reporters dropped the news that we added roughly 850,000 jobs—smaller than your last takeout order. Trumpies relish firing the head statistician, pointing and laughing while the jobless rate quenches its thirst at a four-year high. Looks like the Bureau of Labor Statistics is as trustworthy as a three-legged dog in a marathon.
Apple Events live updates: iPhone 17, iPhone Air, AirPods Pro 3, and new wearables just unveiled
Acidly: Apple's latest circus in Cupertino unveiled a smorgasbord of overpriced gadgets, including the iPhone 17 series, an AirPods Pro 3 that are almost good enough to replace your actual ears, and watches designed to ensure you never need to take your eyes off your phone. The iPhone Air got a lot of oohs and ahhs for being lightweight, but wait till users discover its single-camera "downgrade." Because who needs better pictures when you can have thinner devices? The hype train is rolling, folks!
What’s going on with the COVID-19 vaccine?
Acidly: Welcome to the COVID vaccination circus! Federal confusion reigns supreme as states like California mock the government's guidelines while Florida decides kids can skip the jab altogether. HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. adds to the chaos, firing experts and replacing them with vaccine skeptics. Meanwhile, even health officials can't keep up with the rapidly changing rules. Expect a patchwork of willy-nilly vaccine access decisions across states as citizens scramble for clarity. Good luck keeping track—you're gonna need it!