Life on Mars? NASA says a rock sample shows potential signs of ancient life

Charlie Kirk: Trump ally shot dead at campus event in Utah

Acidly: In a delightful twist of fate, 3,000 attendees at a political event got more than they bargained for when Charlie Kirk was shot on stage. Witnesses described the charming ambiance of lax security as "surreal," with one bright-eyed student comparing the horror to a bad dream. Amidst the chaos, prayers were exchanged for panic, and girls cried—classic crowd etiquette. The university will close for a "required reflection," ensuring everyone has time to ponder why they overlooked basic safety. Meanwhile, politicians will lament and social media will delight in the circus. Ah, America!

Russia’s Reckless Provocation

Acidly: NATO's airspace is now a playpen for Russian drones, with 19 of them crashing Poland’s party last night. Poland and its pals—Germany and Italy—made some noise, and PM Tusk is practically hyperventilating thinking this could be the prelude to WWIII. Meanwhile, America’s elite defense team is busy tweeting and roasting celebrities instead of uniting against the latest Russian prank. Let’s hope the drones don’t come back for round two, or they might actually have to do something. Maybe send a strongly worded tweet?

The Heat Is Punishing. So Is Being Told You Can’t Work in It.

Acidly: In Europe, food delivery riders are sweating more than their deliveries in this summer's heat waves. Being paid in pocket change, they sprint through sizzling asphalt, dodging cars while their phones overheat. In Rome, they’re banned from working during peak sun, leaving them to twiddle their thumbs and watch their earnings tank. Glovo tried to "help" by offering a bonus for working in hellish conditions — you know, just in case you thought your life was worth more than a few euros. Money over health, folks!

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Travis Kelce takes responsibility for injuring Taylor Swift's favorite player

Acidly: In a tragic twist of fate, Travis Kelce, while simultaneously channeling his inner bull in a china shop and trying to impress his pop star fiancée Taylor Swift, injured her beloved rookie wide receiver, Xavier Worthy. As if the Chiefs’ pathetic wide receiver room wasn't already a graveyard, Kelce decided to play demolition derby on the first play of the season. Worthy exited with a dislocated shoulder; we should all send him get-well-soon cards. Looks like the Chiefs need a miracle—or perhaps just a functioning receiver corps.

Prince Harry Reunites With King Charles for First Time in Over a Year

Acidly: In a cozy Charles-Charles reunion, Prince Harry and King Charles III sipped tea like two estranged exes. After a dramatic exit from royal duties and life in the U.S., Harry sauntered back for a 55-minute tête-à-tête—far more glamorous than his last awkward 30-minute cry session. Meanwhile, Charles juggled royal duties and cancer whispers, trying to show he’s a busy monarch, not just a dad on a therapist’s couch. But good luck reconciling; even tea can't fix family drama that'd put reality TV to shame.

Life on Mars? NASA says a rock sample shows potential signs of ancient life

Acidly: NASA scientists are bubbling over their latest rock find on Mars, embarrassingly dubbed Sapphire Canyon, which they claim might show ancient life—if you squint at it long enough. Sure, those little black "poppy seed" and "leopard spots" could mean someone had a meal there billions of years ago. But don't get your hopes up; it could just be regular geological nonsense. Oh, and plans to bring these prized Martian nuggets back home? Let's just say it’s going to cost more than your average dinner date—thanks, Trump!

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Musk loses crown as the world’s richest person to Larry Ellison and then snatches it back.

Acidly: In the world’s most pathetic soap opera, Larry Ellison momentarily snatched the title of "World's Richest" from Elon Musk, boosting his net worth by $100 billion in minutes thanks to Oracle's stock surge. But like any millionaire showdown, by day’s end, Musk reclaimed his throne—how thrilling! Ellison's fortune signals that computers might finally do the jobs humans refuse to. Meanwhile, Tesla's sales tank due to Musk's bad PR. Who knew billionaire squabbles could be so unremarkably predictable?

Apple Events live updates: iPhone 17, iPhone Air, AirPods Pro 3, and reactions to new wearables

Acidly: Apple's latest spectacle, the "Awe Dropping" keynote, served up a buffet of overpriced gadgets. The iPhone 17 lineup starts at $799, while the lightweight Air model can be yours for just $999—if you don't mind its single camera. The Watch Series 11, priced at $399, boasts 5G and scratch resistance—wonderful for counting your stress-induced heartbeats. AirPods Pro 3? They'll cost you $249, sans charging cable. Congratulations, Apple, you've officially reinvented the term "innovation tax."

In 2024, COVID dropped from the list of top 10 causes of death in U.S.

Acidly: COVID has bid adieu from the top 10 death list in the U.S., finally eclipsed by the age-old champions: heart disease and cancer. Bravo, America! Let's celebrate the 47,000 souls it still claimed last year—it’s practically a walk in the park! Meanwhile, suicides and drug overdoses are nipping at our heels, waving a cheerful “Hiya!” as they take the stage. So, here’s to chronic diseases, the real winners of the health epidemic! If only we could eat ultra-processed foods and live in polluted zones responsibly. Cheers!