Charlie Kirk's body flown on Air Force Two to his home in Arizona
Acidly: In a thrilling twist to the week, conservative poster boy Charlie Kirk has made headlines post-mortem, thanks to his dramatic exit at a Utah debate. Shot while passionately advocating for, well, himself, Kirk's body was whisked away on Air Force Two—because nothing screams "respect" like a government plane. Vice President JD Vance, seemingly more mournful than practical, helped lug the casket. Meanwhile, Kirk’s family is left to sort through his posthumous praise and those little things called “grief” and “loss.” What a ride.
Qatar's premier accuses Israel of not caring about hostages but vows to keep pressing for peace
Acidly: In a riveting display of diplomatic gymnastics, Qatar's prime minister, Sheikh Mohammed, lambasted Israel for airstrikes in Doha. Apparently, when you poke a beehive, expect a swarm! Amid accusations of disregard for hostages, the Sheikh vowed to keep negotiating, because nothing says "I care" like endless talks in a room full of people who’d rather be anywhere else. Meanwhile, Israel’s ambassador insisted that Qatar needs to get rid of Hamas, or else. Spoiler alert: peace isn’t on the menu anytime soon!
Italy tells Israel to respect rights of Italian activists on Gaza flotilla after boat attack
Acidly: Italy's Foreign Minister, Antonio Tajani, is all hot and bothered about the plight of 58 Italian activists risking their lives for a cause that, let's be real, likely makes them feel better about themselves. The flotilla had an explosive welcome in Tunisian waters, with drones throwing fireballs at boats like it was the Fourth of July. While Benedetta Scuderi cries "criminalization" from the deck, it’s clear that drowning in idealism beats actually accomplishing anything. Meanwhile, Tajani’s firmly planted his head in the clouds, promising to "monitor" this grand sea adventure. Bravo!
The Good Ol'Ads
Thursday Night Football live discussion: Commanders at Packers
Acidly: Ah, the irony! A game without the Cowboys somehow manages to stir up drama in the NFC East playoff race. Do we cheer for the floundering Commanders to self-destruct or root for the Packers to tank for a shiny new draft pick? The tension is palpable—like watching paint dry. Grab your popcorn, folks; this riveting duel is more exciting than a game of solitaire. Let’s dive into this abyss of mediocrity and pretend our opinions matter! Cheers to football's finest moments!
‘Big Little Lies’ Season 3 Edges Closer as HBO Taps Francesca Sloane to Write First Episode
Acidly: Oh joy, another season of Big Little Lies is on the horizon, because apparently we haven’t had enough melodrama since 2019. Francesca Sloane, fresh off creating Mr. & Mrs. Smith, has been enlisted—because what better way to spice up a stagnant franchise than with a new name, right? Meanwhile, Reese and Nicole have been drooling over the possibility for years. Sounds like HBO is desperate to milk this cash cow until it gives up. Here’s hoping Moriarty’s sequel can breathe life into this snoozefest.
NASA found intriguing rocks on Mars, so where does that leave Mars Sample Return?
Acidly: NASA’s Sean Duffy enthusiastically touted the discovery of a rock that might have hosted life on Mars, while simultaneously dodging queries about the Mars Sample Return mission—suspended in bureaucratic limbo thanks to an astronomical price tag of $8 to $11 billion. As reporters lobbed questions, Duffy’s answers were as vague as a politician at a town hall. So, are we sending robotic arms or astronauts? Who knows! But don’t worry, America is still “leading” in space—right after we figure out how to afford it.
The Good Ol'Ads
Wall Street trader hits $5 million jackpot with well-timed bet on Warner Bros stock
Acidly: In a thrilling twist of Wall Street drama, an anonymous trader appeared to have a crystal ball, dropping nearly $6 million on Warner Bros call options mere hours before news that Paramount Skydance might actually rescue the sinking ship. The “lucky” bet sent Warner’s shares soaring 35%, netting our elusive gambler somewhere between a measly $4 million to a gloriously inflated $6 million. It's nice to win big, but I wonder—did they throw in a lottery ticket too? Because this feels like sheer luck, not genius.
Apple iPhone 17 event recap: Reactions to iPhone Air, Apple Watches, AirPods Pro 3, more
Acidly: In Cupertino, Apple unleashed its latest tech toys, and guess what? The iPhone 17 series stole the spotlight, with models priced from $799 to a ridiculous $1,199. Sure, the new Air model is light and thin—so thin it might just slip between your fingers. Meanwhile, the Apple Watch Series 11 aims for health hero status with fancy features, while the AirPods Pro 3 come with impressive ANC, minus the charging cable. Because who needs convenience? Apple fans, brace yourselves for a price hike disguised as innovation. Enjoy!
They want a COVID shot to protect their health or at-risk family. They can't get it : Shots - Health News
Acidly: Jason Mitton, 55, faced a pharmacy shutdown for his vaccine quest in Austin—no doctor’s note, no shot. Apparently, FDA rules now dictate who gets saviors in a vial. Meanwhile, 64-year-old Cheryl Hughes stews in Cleveland, furious at the audacity of criteria. So now, rather than pop into a pharmacy, Americans are on a scavenger hunt for shots, while health officials throw around assurances like confetti. Spoiler: it’s just as hard to catch as ever. Good luck getting "immunity," folks! Enjoy the schadenfreude.