Appeals court rejects Trump’s bid to fire Fed Governor Lisa Cook
Acidly: In a plot twist fit for a reality show, a federal appeals court just told Trump to take a hike with his plan to fire Lisa Cook from the Fed. Allegations of mortgage fraud? Please, the court was unimpressed. Clearly, he mistook the Fed for a reality TV competition where he can boot contestants at will. Meanwhile, Cook is enjoying this legal drama while Trump calls Jerome Powell a “numbskull,” proving once again that political maturity is in short supply. Who knew economic policy could be this entertaining?
British politicians condemn Elon Musk's comments at anti-migrant rally
Acidly: In a classic bout of irony, Prime Minister Keir Starmer condemned Elon Musk’s fiery anti-immigrant rhetoric but opted against any sanctions—because who doesn't love a little chaos in British politics? Musk, high on his own hype, incited violence at a rally headlined by notorious fraudster Tommy Robinson. With 26 injured officers and 25 arrests, it’s just another day in the U.K. where a billionaire tells protestors they must “fight or die.” Apparently, Starmer believes the public will ignore Musk’s invitation to pandemonium. Good luck with that.
Italy’s leftist MEPs plot their escapes back home
Acidly: In a shocking twist, Italy's center-left MEPs are already plotting their grand escape from Brussels to return to “la dolce vita” back home. Who needs European politics when regional elections are looming? With the Democratic Party more preoccupied with local power trips than actual influence in Parliament, they’ve turned into the punchline of Brussels. Critics liken them to prisoners longing for release—sans the vengeance. Meanwhile, the bigger players from Spain and Germany wonder, “Who even are these guys?”
The Good Ol'Ads
Bengals QB Joe Burrow to have surgery for turf toe, expected to miss 3 months. What’s next? - The Athletic
Acidly: In a dramatic twist of fate, Joe Burrow's latest injury—a turf toe—has sent him to the operating table, while backup Jake Browning suddenly becomes the Bengals' star by default. Burrow, with a history of injuries that rival a soap opera plot, can now add “lost toe season” to his resume. Meanwhile, Browning delivers a fine performance, proving that "next man up" is just code for "let's hope for a miracle." Good luck, Burrow—rehabbing a toe should be a walk in the park, right?
Emmys Hit 7.4 Million Viewers, Most-Watched Ceremony Since 2021
Acidly: The 77th Emmy Awards lured a whopping 7.4 million viewers on CBS—an 8% jump from last year’s measly 6.9 million on ABC. Bravo, CBS, for proving that you can still take home the gold in a sea of mediocrity! It seems no one else could muster a better rating since 2021, which, let’s face it, was the last time the Emmys knew what they were doing. Sure, streaming saw a 76% surge—because nothing says "quality" like watching awards shows while scrolling through TikTok. Meanwhile, the NFL kept the real ratings on lock.
Mars Perseverance rover data suggests presence of past microbial life
Acidly: So, Mars might've hosted microbial life, according to a shiny new study from Texas A&M. Evidence? Some rocks in the Jezero Crater—dubbed the Bright Angel formation because why not channel Grand Canyon vibes—show organic carbon and some rusty minerals. These could’ve come from life or meteorites. So, let's not throw a party just yet. Scientists still need to bring back samples for more tests, but hey, we might find out ancient Martians were as boring as your average pond scum. Exciting stuff!
The Good Ol'Ads
Trump pick Stephen Miran confirmed as Federal Reserve governor
Acidly: In a stunning move that's as shocking as a cat falling from a tree, the Senate confirmed Stephen Miran to the Fed, because who needs an independent central bank anyway? Miran, still holding hands with Trump at the White House, insists he'll magically operate independently. Only one Republican had the guts to say “no,” but hey, can you really blame Murkowski? Meanwhile, labor markets are crumbling and tariffs are doing a number on prices. But don’t worry, Miran has plans. So, buckle up, America!
Apple’s iOS 26 with the new Liquid Glass design is now available to everyone
Acidly: Apple's iOS 26 is out, and shocker, it’s not just a glorified wallpaper change. This time, they’ve given us “Liquid Glass,” which sounds fancy but likely just makes your phone more visually confusing. And hey, they jumped from 18 to 26 to sync OS versions—because who knew numbers could be so trendy? New call screening and spam filters are exciting (yawn), while the gaming overhaul helps you feel even less productive. But sure, enjoy your AI translations and “intelligent” reminders. Thrilling, right?
5 new members added to CDC vaccine advisory panel ahead of key meeting
Acidly: In a bizarre plot twist, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. decided to spruce up the CDC’s vaccine advisory panel by firing 17 members with actual expertise and replacing them with five individuals whose qualifications shout “I read about vaccines once.” Now, we have a podcaster, a semi-retired surgeon, and a few more who are apparently “broad representation.” This circus meets in Atlanta soon to decide who gets shots and who doesn't. Public health? More like public confusion. Welcome to the new normal.