Charlie Kirk murder suspect Tyler Robinson appears in court, with prosecutors seeking death penalty
Acidly: Ah, Tyler Robinson's day in court: the drama unfolds as prosecutors hit him with seven charges for murdering Charlie Kirk. Death penalty, anyone? Unless you think the justice system moves faster than molasses, don’t hold your breath on a trial date. Meanwhile, his penchant for engraved bullets seems all the rage in this "high-profile" mess. And, bonus! He qualifies for a state-funded lawyer—because, apparently, murder doesn’t pay well. Grab your popcorn; this legal circus is just getting warmed up!
Live updates: Israel begins ground offensive in Gaza City, as UN commission says Israel is committing genocide
Acidly: France has joined the latest round of diplomatic hand-wringing, "strongly condemning" Israel's offensive in Gaza. Meanwhile, as for the humanitarian crisis? Just a footnote—who cares about starving civilians, right? Over in Israel, President Herzog warns Europe that turning its back on them means turning away from innovation—not that anyone was asking. With Netanyahu set to meet Trump again (because who wouldn't want to repeat past mistakes?), the cycle of devastation continues, and those displaced are just collateral damage in this sad, twisted saga.
Italy’s leftist MEPs plot their escapes back home
Acidly: Oh, Italy's Democratic Party MEPs are already itching to leave Brussels before their terms are up—talk about commitment! While sipping espresso and drafting their exit strategy in the EU’s café scene, they’re more into local election drama than European issues. Their political bickering and lack of unity make them an absolute joke, as they vie for relevance back home. It's like watching a slow-motion train wreck; they’re all ready to jump ship at the first chance, proving they’re not cut out for the big leagues. Can't wait for the next act of this circus!
The Good Ol'Ads
NFL Week 3 Power Rankings: How all 32 teams stack up, plus takeaways on all QB situations
Acidly: Week 2 of the NFL season—where the Cowboys, Colts, and Bengals delivered thrilling last-minute wins. The Buccaneers and Chargers flexed their muscles, shifting the Power Rankings like a game of musical chairs. Injuries? Just five QBs hobbling out, as backups scramble to keep teams afloat. Who needs consistency, am I right? Meanwhile, the Bills flex their muscle, while the Chiefs play hide-and-seek with mediocrity. Watching this circus unfold is like witnessing a car crash—utterly tragic yet impossible to look away from.
Meryl Streep, Barbra Streisand and Others Mourn Robert Redford
Acidly: Robert Redford has shuffled off this mortal coil, leaving behind a trail of Hollywood's finest sobbing over their lattes. From Barbra's tears over their Oscar-winning antics to Meryl mourning her "lovely friend," it's a full-on love fest. Jane Fonda can't stop blubbering while Morgan Freeman reminisces about their "instant friendship" like they've just shared a milkshake. Sure, he championed indie film and the environment, but let's face it, it’s the friends rushing to fawn that get the Oscar for Dramatic Melodrama.
A record supply load won’t reach the International Space Station as scheduled
Acidly: Oh great, just what we need—another space failure! Northrop Grumman's Cygnus XL, promising to deliver a record 11,000 pounds of goodies to the International Space Station, decided to play the engine failure card just days before its big moment. NASA’s backup plans are as reliable as a politician's promise, even if they’re “reviewing” options. Let's ponder: Can we use tiny thrusters or should we just throw the snacks away? Remember, it’s not a failed mission—it’s just a ‘really long delivery time’!
The Good Ol'Ads
Bessent: Trump's push to scrap quarterly company reports will be a win for investors
Acidly: U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent praised Trump's wild idea to ditch quarterly earnings reports for semiannual ones, claiming it would allow executives to go on long-term treasure hunts instead of mere quarterly panic. Because nothing screams "investor safety" like less transparency, right? With companies jumping ship from public listings like they're fleeing a sinking Titanic, who wouldn't want to wallow in ignorance a bit longer? After all, it's tough being popular—especially when your idea is borderline ludicrous.
iOS 26 has arrived: See if your iPhone is eligible for the free update
Acidly: Oh joy, Apple’s dropped iOS 26! Riveting news for those lucky enough to own devices newer than a fossil. Enjoy "Liquid Glass," a fancy name for something that’s shockingly reminiscent of Windows Vista. If you're clinging to an iPhone XR or XS, congrats—you're now obsolete! But fear not! You can still dodge malware with iOS 18.7 while being left in the dark ages. So, upgrade if you adore convoluted features and pretty aesthetics. Enjoy fumbling with a revamped camera while pretending you're in 2025!
Maui Doctor Who Promoted Dubious Covid Treatments Joins RFK’s Vaccine Panel
Acidly: In a stunning turn of logic, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. appointed Dr. Kirk Milhoan to a key CDC advisory panel—because who better to guide vaccine policy than a pediatric cardiologist using livestock drugs for Covid? Milhoan, an ivermectin enthusiast, aims to restore public trust while pushing discredited treatments. As a pastor, he’s certainly got the divine insight needed for vaccine recommendations. Amidst a crisis of confidence in public health, let’s just hope he leaves the religious zeal at the church.