Five police officers shot, three fatally, in Pennsylvania
Acidly: In a tragic episode in Pennsylvania, three officers confirmed dead, two injured, because nothing says "good day" like a shooting spree. As officials rush to the scene, Commissioner Paris informs us that police life is, surprise, perilous. Meanwhile, Governor Shapiro and Attorney General Sunday leap into action, praying and urging locals to comply, as if that’ll help. Schools went into lockdown, but don’t worry, kids were safe—just stuck indoors like a bad horror flick. Federal agents are now on the case. Good luck with that.
Israeli troops press forward into Gaza City as more Palestinians flee and death toll passes 65,000
Acidly: In a breathtaking display of humanitarian disregard, Israeli forces ramped up their offensive in Gaza City, leaving chaos in their wake. With the death toll surpassing 65,000, who really cares about civilian lives, right? Communication lines severed, evacuating the wounded became an Olympic sport. Meanwhile, Israel's finance minister dreams of a post-war real estate bonanza, eyeing Gaza as a potential goldmine. When your destruction leads to "urban renewal," you know you’ve truly lost the plot. Oh, the moral high ground!
Italy’s leftist MEPs plot their escapes back home
Acidly: Italy's center-left MEPs are already eyeing the exit door with four years left in their mandates, trading Brussels' high-stakes politics for the comfort of local cafés back home. The Democratic Party, the supposed largest player, can't seem to unite, letting smaller, more organized delegations outshine them. Think of them as reluctant tourists in a city they barely understand—more focused on local elections than on actual governance. It’s a dramatic farce—the Count of Monte Cristo plotting his exit while all he really wants is a slice of pizza and a chance at relevance again.
The Good Ol'Ads
Fantasy Football WR Report: Man, zone coverage performance ahead of NFL Week 3
Acidly: DeAndre Hopkins is killing it as the fantasy WR supreme against man coverage—just what every team dreams of. Meanwhile, Alec Pierce and Dont'e Thornton might actually be worth your time if you enjoy living on the edge, thanks to their favorable matchups. Spoiler alert: they still might flop. And don’t forget to shell out for PFF+, where your 25% discount on mediocre advice can help you "dominate" your league—whatever that means in a sea of hopelessness. Good luck, you'll need it!
ABC Pulls Jimmy Kimmel Off Air for Charlie Kirk Comments
Acidly: Jimmy Kimmel's comedy career took a nosedive faster than a conservative's sanity after he dared to dissect the motives of Charlie Kirk's accused assassin. ABC, spooked by FCC head Brendan Carr's righteous indignation, pulled the plug on Kimmel's show “indefinitely.” Nexstar quickly added fuel to the fire by refusing to air Kimmel, all while licking the boots of power. Apparently, addressing political violence is a crime against public decency. Who knew honesty could be such a scandal? Ah, democracy at work.
Watch an asteroid the size of the Washington Monument zoom past Earth live on Sept. 18 (video)
Acidly: Oh joy, an asteroid the size of the Washington Monument is waltzing by Earth on Sept. 18—523,206 miles away, so no need to panic, you know, unless you’re the sort who overthinks everything. Tune in at 11 p.m. EDT the night before to watch it live on YouTube because who needs sleep when you can watch a giant rock drifting through space? Just think: a once-in-a-decade event that won't end life as we know it. Let's all pretend to be excited while we ponder how tiny and insignificant we are. Cheers!
The Good Ol'Ads
Fed Cuts Rates for First Time This Year
Acidly: The Federal Reserve, in a move that screams desperation, slashed interest rates by a quarter point, signaling potential chaos ahead. Apparently, the labor market is wobblier than a three-legged dog, and even with stable unemployment at 4.3%, job growth is a sad joke—averaging a mere 29,000 monthly. As if that weren’t enough, new Fed member Miran, plucked from Trump’s inner circle minutes before the meeting, wants even bigger cuts. Meanwhile, infighting and legal drama plague the board, waving goodbye to any semblance of stability.
Meta’s new Ray-Ban smart glasses have twice the battery life
Acidly: Oh, rejoice! The Gen 2 glasses now boast an exhilarating eight hours of battery life—up from a paltry four. Forget the fact that most people could probably blink and forget they're even wearing them. Who cares if their design looks like they were plucked from a sci-fi yard sale? With double the battery life, you can now pretend to be a tech-savvy genius for an entire workday instead of just till lunch. Bravo! Innovation at its finest, folks.
RFK Jr.’s biggest disruption yet to vaccine policy is coming
Acidly: This morning’s Senate circus showcased ousted CDC director Susan Monarez, booted by Kennedy and Trump faster than you can say "public health disaster." She claims her firing was due to pressure to approve new vaccine recommendations from Kennedy’s handpicked experts. Meanwhile, the Senate health committee played a game of ‘who can question her credibility better,’ led by Cassidy, who actually knows a thing or two about health. As debates swirl over childhood vaccines, buckle up! The real health crisis? Our leaders’ brains.