Senate rejects both parties' bills to avoid a shutdown, leaving next steps uncertain
Acidly: In a classic legislative tug-of-war, Congress couldn't even agree on a snack, let alone a budget. The Senate hilariously blocked both Republican and Democratic proposals, raising the specter of a government shutdown. Who cares that federal workers could go unpaid? Not Trump, who delights in the chaos. Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer rolled his eyes at GOP shenanigans, while lawmakers plan a break—because apparently, dealing with a budget crisis can wait until after Rosh Hashanah. Priorities, right?
Russian Fighter Jets Enter Airspace of Estonia, a NATO Member
Acidly: In a riveting display of Russian audacity, three fighter jets decided that violating Estonia's airspace for a heart-stopping 12 minutes was a great way to celebrate the weekend. Estonia's foreign minister, Margus Tsahkna, called it “unprecedentedly brazen”—perfectly capturing the essence of Russian charm. Meanwhile, NATO scrambled jets; it’s like a game of aerial tag, but with more serious implications. Russia, of course, claims it was just a misunderstanding. Sure, buddy. Enjoy your fleet of "lost" MIGs!
She’s 94 and dresses in ancient clothes. Now she’s become a tourist attraction
Acidly: In the quaint medieval village of Scanno, 94-year-old Margherita Ciarletta is less concerned with Instagram likes and more with shooing tourists off her doorstep. Sporting her century-old garb—not to be confused with a fashion statement—she’s “L’Ultima Regina,” the last woman sticking to tradition. She's independent, witty, and seems oddly amused by the selfie-seeking hordes desiring a piece of her past. “I'm not a superstar," she grumbles, "just a grandmother living my life." But who wouldn’t want a photo op with someone so defiantly unbothered?
The Good Ol'Ads
NFL Week 3 schedule rankings: Top 5 desperation games, from 0-2 Chiefs to Cowboys-Bears - The Athletic
Acidly: Week 3 in the NFL: where the pressure to perform clashes with the reality of mediocrity. Several teams, like the Texans and Panthers, are perilously close to flushing their seasons down the toilet. Meanwhile, the Cowboys and Bears face off, both reeling from rookie coach woes. Lose, and welcome chants of “just tank for Caleb Williams.” The Chiefs cling to historic success, but the buzzards circle if they hit 0-3. One thing's for sure: the fans will only be entertained if it’s misery they find fun.
As Talks Between Disney & Jimmy Kimmel Continue, Conservative Support Around Free Speech May Tip Scale Towards Show’s Return
Acidly: In the bizarre world of late-night TV drama, we've got Ted Cruz, that moist gelatinous tubeworm, throwing shade at Disney for even thinking about getting rid of Jimmy Kimmel. Meanwhile, Kimmel's getting more calls than a Telemarketer at dinner time as Disney wrestles with their shrinking subscriber base. Just imagine the circus if they dare to fire him without an apology. It’s a middle school cafeteria showdown, and Disney is praying for a miracle before the MAGA mob goes full meltdown mode. Welcome to the entertainment apocalypse.
A Tiny Quasi-Moon is Following Earth Around the Sun
Acidly: Oh, look! Earth has a new quasi-moon: a tiny asteroid named 2025 PN7. Spotted in August, it’s a mere 52 feet long, which means it’s smaller than your average bowling alley. It’s like the space equivalent of a lost kitten trailing behind our planet, but don't get attached; it’s bailing out in 60 years. Scientists can't figure out where it came from—undoubtedly a cosmic mystery on par with where all those missing socks go. Enjoy the ride, 2025 PN7; you're basically just a temporary space squatter!
The Good Ol'Ads
Intel, Nvidia deal may have implications for Astera Labs, Morgan Stanley says (ALAB:NASDAQ)
Acidly: Well, isn't this adorable? Intel and Nvidia are cozying up to churn out PC and data center chips, leaving Astera Labs biting their nails backstage. Morgan Stanley seems just as clueless about the outcome as a squirrel in a traffic jam. Who knew collaboration could be this ambiguous? Good luck, Astera Labs – remember, being left out of the limelight doesn't always mean an imminent disaster, just a slow, painful fade into obscurity.
Meta CTO explains why the smart glasses demos failed at Meta Connect — and it wasn't the Wi-Fi
Acidly: Meta's latest smart glasses launch at Connect was a spectacular Dumpster fire. The demos? A live AI cooking disaster, leaving a chef confused and glasses flipping through a recipe like a toddler with a book. As if that wasn’t enough, Zuckerberg’s WhatsApp call rolled up at a snoozing display—because who needs alerts, right? Bosworth claimed they "DDoS'd themselves." Ah yes, nothing screams tech prowess like crashing your own product. But don’t worry, folks. The tech that failed spectacularly "works." Cheers to that!
Kennedy’s Vaccine Panel Votes to Limit Access to Covid Shots
Acidly: In a brilliant display of collective incompetence, health committee rookies decided that seniors should now consult someone qualified—because, you know, walking into a pharmacy was just too easy. Meanwhile, adults 6 to 64 can get vaccinated only if they ask nicely. Good luck to those rural folks without a doc! Unraveling chaos included mics catching insults and members grasping at straws over basic vaccine safety. Let’s just say, when it comes to public health, ignorance is bliss—or, in this case, a potential death sentence.