Networks Set Coverage of Charlie Kirk Memorial Service: Here’s How to Livestream the Proceedings Online
Acidly: Get ready, folks, your weekend plans just got hijacked for the Charlie Kirk memorial. Networks across America are clearing their schedules for a parade of conservative bigwigs, including Trump and a parade of gospel singers. Yes, worship will be interspersed with speeches as if Kirk were a deity. Forget your Sunday jazz brunch; it’s time to honor a man who moved the needle for young GOP voters while posthumously scoring himself a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Who needs cable? Streaming trials for all!
Israeli bombing kills over 90 Palestinians as Gaza City faces destruction
Acidly: In one day, Israeli forces managed to off 91 Palestinians in Gaza. It’s a real winner of a record, especially when you consider the five family members of a prominent doctor were among them. “Shock and devastation” were in full swing, much like the relentless bombardment ripping through what remains of Gaza. Meanwhile, tents sprout up like bad ideas amidst complete chaos—because apparently, basic needs are overrated. Protests in Israel call for peace, but who cares? Historical tragedy is just another Tuesday.
She’s 94 and dresses in ancient clothes. Now she’s become a tourist attraction
Acidly: In Scanno, Margherita Ciarletta, 94, is the Last Queen of traditional garb, sporting her dark wool gown daily while tourists swarm like locusts for selfies. A proud relic of a dying culture, she resists the fame that social media thrusts upon her. "I'm just a normal grandmother," she mutters, shooing strangers from her doorstep. With dwindling townsfolk and a life of solitude, she's relished modern comforts. No nostalgia for the hard past—she's too busy enjoying her "better" self, just hoping to dodge the next selfie-seeking crowd. Bravo, Nonna!
The Good Ol'Ads
Angeli, Syracuse upset Clemson 34-21; Dabo Swinney off to worst start of his career
Acidly: Clemson's season is officially a dumpster fire after a humiliating 34-21 loss to Syracuse, a team that came in as a 17.5-point underdog. Steve Angeli dazzled before injuring his leg because, apparently, even he had enough of this circus. Clemson's once-mighty team, now floundering at 1-3, watched their championship dreams evaporate. Coach Swinney was nearly in tears—let's hope the emotional moment didn't come while eating his feelings post-game. Sorry, but the glory days are officially over.
Even Disney stars are joining calls to boycott the media giant after ABC suspended Jimmy Kimmel's show
Acidly: Disney is in a delightful mess. Fans are canceling subscriptions faster than you can say "Mickey Mouse," all because Jimmy Kimmel dared to criticize the "MAGA gang." Hollywood celebs are not just shaking their heads; they're practically marching outside corporate offices, waving "Boycott Disney" signs. Even stars from Marvel regret ever working for the Mouse. With boycotts brewing and angry tweets buzzing, Disney’s financial lifeboat could soon be sinking faster than their latest streaming hits. Ah, the irony!
'Shocking': Black hole found growing at 2.4 times the theoretical limit
Acidly: Astronomers have found a black hole chowing down in the early universe like a glutton at an all-you-can-eat buffet. RACS J0320-35, just a sprightly 920 million years old, is gorging at 2.4 times the theoretical limit, breaking cosmic rules like a spoiled kid in a candy store. This behemoth, weighing in at a billion suns, raises eyebrows (and cosmic questions) about how black holes can get that hefty so quickly. Turns out, the universe might have its share of fast-food black holes. Isn’t that just delightful?
The Good Ol'Ads
Equipment Outage Disrupts More Than 1,000 Flights at Dallas Airports
Acidly: In a glorious display of ineptitude, a telecommunications outage turned Dallas’s airports into chaotic hellscapes, cancelling and delaying over a thousand flights. The FAA blamed a local phone company—because apparently, no one’s heard of backup systems. American Airlines took to Twitter, rebranding themselves as the generous saviors, allowing rebooking without fees like that’s some grand gift. Meanwhile, Southwest boasted about their one cancellation out of 4,000 flights, because who wouldn't want to celebrate such stunning mediocrity? Enjoy your weekends, travelers!
Meta’s Smart Glasses Might Make You Smarter. They’ll Certainly Make You More Awkward
Acidly: Spiritual influencers are now touting 'sentient' AI as the new life coach, because why wouldn’t you trust a hunk of code for your existential crises? As we spiral into delusion, Meta is busy dominating the smart glasses scene, leaving Google and Apple in the dust—shocking, I know. Meanwhile, a snarky Friend necklace eavesdrops on your life, because every moment deserves unsolicited commentary. Just what we need: cringy techno-spirituality and AI gossip, as if reality wasn’t already entertaining enough.
CDC advisers vote that patients must consult a health care provider for Covid-19 vaccination, but no prescription required
Acidly: In a stunning display of indecision, CDC advisors have decided that if you want a Covid vaccine, you'd better chat with your doctor first—because nothing says "let's save lives" like an overly complicated discussion! Meanwhile, they couldn't even agree on if prescriptions are necessary, resulting in a thrilling 6-6 tie. Experts predict this will bewilder Americans further and discourage vaccine uptake, except of course for states that decide to make their own rules. Just another day in the farcical world of public health!