Trump Issues Warning Based on Unproven Link Between Tylenol and Autism
Acidly: In a spectacular display of medical malpractice, Trump and his health lackeys unleashed a steaming pile of confusion over autism. Apparently, Tylenol is the new villain, and a under-researched B-vitamin drug is our savior—thanks for the groundbreaking findings, guys! While Trump squawked about vaccines causing autism, scientists firmly reminded everyone that, oh, studies have debunked that for over three decades. But why let facts ruin a good panic? Let's toss a few million into the research abyss! Cheers to ignorance!
How Israel could retaliate against the growing push for recognition of a Palestinian state
Acidly: Ah, the United Nations General Assembly—a glamorous gathering of world leaders playing dress-up as peacemakers while the Gaza Strip is practically a humanitarian war zone. France and Saudi Arabia are whipping up a grand new plan for a two-state solution. But wait! The U.S. and Israel have decided that a Palestinian state is worse than a broken record. The plan conveniently ignores every major sticking point and expects the corrupt Palestinian Authority to magically gain respect. Spoiler: it won’t end well. Just another day of diplomatic theatrics.
Rome gloats as France becomes Italy and Italy becomes France
Acidly: Two prime ministers down in France and suddenly it’s the Italian job over there! Giorgia Meloni can’t stop grinning as her government flawlessly reduces Italy's debt while France stumbles, bedazzled by its own instability. Macron’s policies? Clearly a circus act. Meanwhile, Italy's right-wing scribes are cackling like lunatics, reveling in French despair. Who needs a stable government when you can watch your neighbors implode? Long live the schadenfreude! Italy may be a mess, but at least it’s a consistent mess.
The Good Ol'Ads
Lions News: National media makes predictions for Detroit Lions vs. Baltimore Ravens
Acidly: Ah, Monday Night Football, where dreams of excitement clash with reality like blindfolded toddlers playing dodgeball. The Ravens, fresh from a "terrifying" 41-point spree, are facing the Lions, who scored a mere 52 last week. Riveting. Can anyone even pretend pressure on Goff is the answer when the Ravens are missing talent? But fear not! Home advantage makes everything sunny in Baltimore, where the stat nerds drool over their MVP’s absurd numbers. Spoiler alert: Ravens will probably win. Shocking, right?
Jimmy Kimmel’s Show to Return to ABC on Tuesday Night
Acidly: Guess who's back? Jimmy Kimmel! After a dramatic Disney meltdown over some comments about the right-wing's latest victim, ABC finally decided to let the hot mic back on air. Last week’s suspension was all about avoiding “insensitivity”—because nothing screams sensitivity like silencing a comedian, right? Meanwhile, some affiliates refuse to air the triumphant return. Will Kimmel start a revolution or just tell some lame jokes? Either way, this episode will be more anticipated than a Kardashian wedding—like that’s a good thing.
NASA unveils 10 new astronauts for missions to the moon — and maybe Mars
Acidly: NASA has unveiled a shiny new group of wannabe astronauts—five men and five women who bravely survived a selection process that could rival a reality show audition. Sure, they might stroll on Mars someday, but first, they’ll endure two years of training for space stuff while eyeing a moon mission like eager undergrads at their graduation. And just in case this isn't patently obvious, NASA is hell-bent on beating China back to the moon. Because nothing screams success like cosmic competition.
The Good Ol'Ads
CNBC Daily Open: When you're good to Nvidia, Nvidia's good to you
Acidly: Nvidia's $100 billion investment in OpenAI is like a game of financial hopscotch—jump from one pocket to another with a sleight of hand. OpenAI will build power-hungry data centers, and guess who gets paid? That's right, Nvidia! It’s a cash merry-go-round where everyone spins, but only Nvidia gets dizzy. Meanwhile, Apple's iPhone 17 prices are skyrocketing, leaving your wallet gasping for air. Hot tip: when in doubt, just buy more chips; the tech circus never stops!
Apple releases macOS Tahoe 26.1 developer beta 1
Acidly: Oh joy, Apple’s latest effort: macOS Tahoe 26.1! It’s not an exciting update; it’s a lovely basket of bug fixes ripe off the low-hanging fruit tree. Developers rejoice! Just when you thought macOS 26 couldn’t get duller, here comes a beta that’s as thrilling as watching paint dry. If you're brave enough to install it, remember to back up your Mac—because you know, fixing bugs is way more fun when you risk losing everything. Let’s all pretend we’re excited for yet another mediocre "upgrade."
Rheumatoid arthritis kept her captive. This nerve stimulator set her free
Acidly: Lynn Milam spent over four years trapped in a creaky body, sidelined from hugs and hand-holding by rheumatoid arthritis. After a futile medicinal circus, an experimental device zapped her vagus nerve to life this October. In a shocking twist, her elbow pain vanished faster than her husband’s patience. The FDA greenlit this miracle bean-sized wonder, promising a sprinkle of hope for others in misery. Because nothing says “rebirth” like a voice that whispers. But hey, at least she can now hold hands—what a victory!