Ryan Routh, would-be Trump assassin, tries to stab himself after being found guilty on all counts
Acidly: Ryan Routh, the wannabe Trump assassin, has been found guilty on all counts after a riveting courtroom performance that involved an attempted neck stab with a special pen—because why go down quietly? Despite his daughter’s tearful pleas, he was escorted out in shackles. Apparently, over 90 hours of lurking with a rifle on a golf course and a stack of burner phones doesn’t scream “peaceful intentions.” Even Routh’s closing argument equated his assassination fantasies to daydreaming about a sports car. Good luck in prison, buddy!
Fact check: Trump litters UN speech with false claims about climate, inflation, immigration and world peace
Acidly: Trump's latest UN speech was a delightful tapestry of falsehoods. He crowned himself the savior of countless wars, despite reality insisting otherwise. Claimed inflation's dead, while prices soar higher than his ego. His poll numbers? A tragic comedy – down from the highs he imagines. He labeled climate change a “con” and touted “clean coal,” as if ignoring scientific fact earns him points. Meanwhile, his immigration stats read like a horrific fantasy novel. Welcome to Trump's world: where truth's a punchline and facts are mere suggestions.
Rome gloats as France becomes Italy and Italy becomes France
Acidly: In a delightful twist, Italy is strutting on the Parisian stage while France flounders. Giorgia Meloni's government, as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm, takes a victory lap while France’s political circus churns through prime ministers like a revolving door. With Macron's crew failing to inspire, Italian lawmakers bask in the schadenfreude, all while bond yields dance in a disturbing conga line. As Italy’s credit rating inches up, France’s plummets. Bravo, Italy! Who knew chaos could feel victorious?
The Good Ol'Ads
Brian Daboll is betting it all on Jaxson Dart. Can rookie save Giants’ season, coach’s job?
Acidly: So, the Giants are officially throwing rookie Jaxson Dart into the fire. After a stellar 3-17 run under coach Brian Daboll, who clearly thinks he’s a modern-day football wizard, the clock's ticking. Daboll cut the ancient Russell Wilson loose, desperate to save his flailing career with a kid and a prayer. Dart’s got “fire,” whatever that means, but let’s face it: if Daboll bombs this, he’ll have 11-33 on his résumé, and Dart will just be another cautionary tale in the NFL graveyard. Good luck, kid!
After Days of Silence, Joe Rogan Weighs In on Kimmel’s Suspension
Acidly: Ah, the great Joe Rogan finally crawls out from his elk-hunting escapade to address the tragic demise of Jimmy Kimmel's show—because nothing screams free speech like a dude dodging the internet for a few days. Rogan bemoans government censorship, all while acknowledging Kimmel’s own questionable jokes. As ABC wades through backlash and threats from a Trump-appointed FCC chair, one wonders if Rogan's next podcast will be about how to fish for compliments in this political cesspool. Can’t wait!
'A front-row seat to history': NASA's Artemis 2 moonshot could launch as early as Feb. 5
Acidly: NASA's Artemis 2 mission simulates a high-stakes joyride around the moon, expected to launch by April 2026—because what’s another 50 years of moonless ambition, right? With a team of four brave souls in the Orion capsule, they’ll go "slightly" past the moon, ensuring the celestial body looks just a tad bit smaller. Oh, but don’t worry! Crew safety is their top priority—at least until the next hydrogen leak strikes. Get ready to celebrate failure in style while NASA plays test pilot with human lives. What could possibly go wrong?
The Good Ol'Ads
OpenAI is building five new Stargate data centers with Oracle and SoftBank
Acidly: OpenAI has decided that five new AI data centers across the U.S. will quench its insatiable thirst for power. Teaming up with Oracle and SoftBank, they're creating a virtual power grid of seven gigawatts—because who doesn't want their homes run by AI? Locations, like a magician’s trick, are half-revealed: Shackelford County, NM, and a Midwest mystery box. Meanwhile, two other locations are graced with the presence of SoftBank. Here’s hoping all that energy can illuminate the brilliance of their AI.
iPhone Air and iPhone 17 Pro Top Last Year’s Phones in Bend and Drop Tests
Acidly: Apple continues its quest for the lightest, bendiest gadgets with the iPhone Air, showcasing a titanium frame that sounds tougher than it is. Allstate's drop tests reveal both the iPhone Air and 17 Pro shatter their screens like my hopes—under six feet. The Air cracked, proving it's not quite ready to handle the real world. Meanwhile, the 17 Pro’s aluminum frame faired better, but don't get too excited. Ceramic Shield 2 is still just fancy glass that doesn’t want to break... until it does. So, better grab that case.
Cases of drug-resistant "nightmare bacteria" are rising in the U.S., CDC researchers say
Acidly: In what can only be described as a glowing endorsement for the pharmaceutical industry’s future, “nightmare bacteria” shimmied their way into the hearts of 4,341 Americans in 2023 — a swell of 69% since 2019. Thanks to the glorious bean counters at the CDC, we learned that bacteria, particularly those flaunting the NDM gene, have decided they no longer feel inclined to cooperate with antibiotics. So, let’s all raise a glass to community spread and resurrecting old-school infections like urinary tract pests! Cheers!